I was doing quite well, until yesterday I allowed the yetzer hara to have his way.
And it was not porn, and not even using memory of such imagry or fantasies about other women whilst masturbating, but still I did intentionally masturbate.
(you see, in my old days before coming to this site I was addicted to that and in my worst days did it two or three times a day sometimes. Some of the times in the past it was because of porn but also often I 'helped myself' with fantasising about sexual activity with other females. So even although porn has been a problem, masturbation in general was an even bigger problem).

It's not that my wife and I are not intimate with each other but I guess my libido is higher than hers causing me to want it more.
I was honeat and told my wife when she got home from her work and she was unhappy about it. Although we initially had a good conversation, it ended up in arguing.

When this morning I clicked on 'I had a fall' on the 90 days chart and saw the harsh reality of being back at 0 days and level 0 (despite the cumulative count of 44 days clean) I feel sad. But I shouldn't feel too sorry. And, thinking things over, I will use this fall to learn and do better next time. Because although what I thought was innocent, it is still caused a fuss.
I prayed to Hashem that he may help me get a tenfold of clean days this time, or more. I need His help.

hi daniel

i feel really bad . its very upsetting been there in the past after even being clean for more then a year its not easy but it seems your on the right track with the right additued so keep on learning for your falls how to be carefull in the future .

kol tov and have a gr8 shabbos.

thank you for your kind words! Have a great shabbos as well!

Hi Daniel!

The past is the past! You fell, it sucks but don't sweat it and move on!

Perhaps you are concentrating to much on the days? On how many days you have been clean. I try to concentrate just on today. It doesn't matter what happened beforehand. Perhaps, i am 10 years clean or 10 minutes but i just focus on the now. How am i doing now? The answer should be: amazing, life is great!

Anyhow, good work on the 44 days, but pick yourself off, dust yourself off and KOT!!!

Daniel Wrote: "When this morning I clicked on 'I had a fall' on the 90 days chart and saw the harsh reality of being back at 0 days and level 0 (despite the cumulative count of 44 days clean) I feel sad...

TO DANIEL:
First of all, Great kudos to you on keeping your spirits up even after such a fall. May others learn and take strength from you!
But- there is one point which I would like to make, in ref. to your saying that you had a sad feeling when you realized the harsh reality of "starting from Zero" DESPITE accumulating 44 days...
When we are dealing with issues of spiritual building, there is no such thing as starting all over from zero! Even if you fall again and again, and even if your fall was so harsh that you seemed to have collapsed your whole building, and UNDONE everything which you have accomplished until then, You are NEVER back at point ZERO. yes,sure you are starting the 90 day count again from zero, and are RETURNING to level 0 (or 1), but remember this- you always start off with the previous count, or sometimes many counts and building experiences from the past counts. You take all that with you on your new journey, and if you work correctly they will help you progress better than you were able to do before you had accumulated these experiences
As you yourself wrote : "I will use this fall to learn and do better next time" - but it is not only learning from the fall itself, but taking with you to the new start all the encouragement and the ideas and suggestions which you got during your past journey(s), and of course there is also the tremendous z'chus (merit) of abstaining from acting out for a period of 44 days, which no matter how many times afterward you fall again, you will NEVER lose!!!! and which you take with you as a merit for siyata Dishmaya (divine assistance)to help you reach even greater heights on your newest drive.
Keep up the good work and the great spirits!

It takes courage to reset the count, admit it openly and start over from 1. Honesty is the only path to healing. So this is healing.

as others have said, the number counting might not be for everyone...if it becomes too big of a deal...I personally can deal with it...when I don't focus on it.....I try not updating until gye sends me a reminder or something.....I had a 115 day count; then a 90; now I am around 50 someplace B"H, and I will say that again...Baruch Hashem.

b'hatzlachah further onward

Thanks for these wise words. Indeed the accumulated days are not wiped away; they are still there. And it is good to remind ourself that every sober day is a day of victory! Doing good so far btw!