Hi everybody!

While in the process of "fixing" myself in other areas of my life and in the spirit of the new year and aseres yemei teshuva, I'm going to take a shot at the 90 day chart.
In my intro (guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/218879-Re-%28trying-to%29-Keep-Smiling) I claim that I am not "addicted" but (wrongly, yet) willingly using inappropriate behavior as a form of stress relief. So, in addition to being a tool for stopping this bad habit, it will also give some insight into the truth of that statement...

For me the biggest part of making this happen is finding healthy ways of stress relief. I find meaningful communication to be a tremendous stress reliever, so, you'll probably be hearing from me...

I've been involved in the process of breaking bad habits recently so I am confident (as opposed to over-confident) in the chances of success.

Wish me luck!

OK, I created my chart, here it is: guardyoureyes.com/90-days-chart/chart?start=200#3235
I'm a bit nervous about all the 3 day y"t coming up, but we'll see...

The first thing I should probably do now is get off the computer and go to bed... :p

Good night!

Good Luck on your quest. Remember 90 days is a nice round number, but the important part is taking it one day at a time and putting one day and one foot in front of the other. Find healthy stress outlets, or better yet, try not to get too stressed.

Also if you are in E"Y you don't have to worry about 3 day y"t.

smiley1900 wrote:



Looking forward. I myself have found opening up to the group on the forum has been one of the most (if not the most) useful tools in my recovery so far.

smiley1900 wrote:
Hatzlacha Rabbah!!

Oh, yeah, and keep smiling!!!

Day 2

Does a 24 hour posting marathon count as a day? I guess it doesn't break the rules...

Here is some of the stuff I've been busy with:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/219008-Core-Issues

guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/218879-(trying-to)-Keep-Smiling#219129

Thank you mbj and shteig!

A good yom Tov to all!

This was the best and worst yom Kippur of my life.

In the state of mind I was in on erev yom Kippur I thought that it would be close to impossible to make it through the day if I had to deal with any stress at all (I don't think I've had this problem on yom Kippur other years, but I'm not sure), so instead of concentrating on the busyness of erev yom Kippur and yom Kippur I just concentrated on keeping my yetzer horo away by focusing on staying stress free, I had my eyes open like a hawk looking out for stress triggers and nipping them in the bud. With hashem's help it worked, and I'm happy to report day 4 on my chart!

It was the best yom Kippur of my life because I don't remember a yom Kippur with so little stress (and because I didn't fall on yom Kippur while I was afraid I would). It was the worst because I have never had a yom Kippur with so little focus on the tasks of erev yom Kippur and the davening on yom Kippur.
I hope hashem will forgive me, I think I did it for his sake, or did I? Was it justified to ruin my yom Kippur just to not have to deal with the stress of trying to stay clean? I did feel that I didn't stand a chance if I didn't do it that way, but I also didn't try the other way, for fear of failure, maybe I was doing it for myself...

Good job, smiley! You managed to keep away the yetzer horo of stress, but don't worry, now you can bring upon yourself the yetzer horo of self-doubt! Oy! I hate you yetzer horo!!! Go away!!! I can't spend my whole life arguing with you over everything!!!... I'm think I'm gonna go buy an esrog to shut him up, hope it works...

Good Yom Tov to you all!

Dear yetzer horo of self doubt,

Even if it was your idea for me not to daven on yom kippur, so that you can get me after yom kippur with self doubt, the joke's on you, because I made it to day 4 thanks to you, and now I'm with my friends on GYE forum who hate you just as much as I do, if not more. And they'll help me make it to day 5 and 6 and 7 and 90 and 180 and 365 and 730 until my last day (or your last day, which will probably be much sooner...).

Anyways, if it was you, thanks for your help, you can go now, I don't need you and don't want you to help me with this... If it wasn't you, sorry for the false accusation, you can still go now, I have no time for you, I'm busy with my friends now...

I like your attitude! But be careful, there was someone in the Gemora who said "Geera B'Eina D'Satan" and he got in trouble. So don't be surprised if he shows up with new tricks. Just remember, you only have to fight for one day at a time. And you have the Highest Power on your side, ready to help you when you ask.

KUTGW, KOMT, and Hatzlacha with the Esrog!

P.S. I see you haven't chosen an avatar yet, here's a suggestion (if it doesn't blow up the servers, if it does we'll just move it to the "arms race" thread)

Hmmm... Do you happen to remember where that gemara is? I vaguely remember that gemara, but iirc it is about saying things to "wake him up", my intention here is to identify and expose his sneaky tactics...

Thanks for the support!

P.S. Thanks for the suggestion! lol

yeah, the y''h is always changing tactics. As soon as you think you've got him figured out and start to relax, he finds another way.

Don't worry about y''k, all Hashem really wants is sincerity and it sound to me like you nailed it! Hatzolocho raboh living sober today.

Thank you dr. watson! What's most frustrating is how he distracts me with a mitzvah and sneaks in when I'm not looking, argh!... This place helps me stay focused, I love this place! There's a saying I saw somewhere, that when two yidden get together, you have two yetzer hatovs against one yetzer horo, because yetzer horos are selfish and don't help each other... (A bit concerned about the three day y"t coming up, x2, but hashem will help! "habo litaher...")

I don't know why the term "sober" gets on my nerves, maybe because I haven't accepted the term "addicted" as applicable to me, I prefer the term "clean". Although the gemara does say that a person doesn't do an aveira unless he gets a "ruach shtus", perhaps the term "sober" can be applied in that sense... I've been arguing the semantics of this conversation since my first day, yeah, that's me! I get hung up on these things... But as long as I don't lose focus of the goal it's OK, right?

Smiley,
I am exactly the same way. I can never bring myself to use the words addict, addiction and sober when referring to myself. Instead I use euphemism like lust abuser, problem, issue, clean etc. That is really just pride talking (for me at least). The truth is recently I have come more and more to accept that on some level I am an addict.

Did I ever get so bad that I put myself in really compromising situations and really lost control? no. But I am someone who does not have total control over this impulse. I fall when I don't want to because I find I can't stop myself. I have been trying to quit this for at least the last 15 years, but I haven't has any success until now. Lastly, I use it as my drug of choice when I am depressed. So while I am not about to check into a rehab facility, I am an addict. I am not saying you are, just don't get caught up in semantics.

Really, this is just a change in perspective. It doesn't change my approach in recovery. As long as I am making progress in my current approach I will continue, if I find myself unable to move forward, or chas veshalom moving back, I will have to reevaluate my approach and take stronger measures.

Eli

Gevura Shebyesod wrote:


He showed up with a new trick, and I'm not surprised... But this is war, and if I'm busy being careful I can't focus on my war efforts, but I guess running through a mine field is not such a good strategy either...

Dear YH of conspiracy theory,

I see you hiding behind the bushes and I'm petrified, but I won't back down and I'll fight you forever! Like G ShebY says "you have the Highest Power on your side", so eat that! The war is on!
I have to revise my strategy, maybe I'll use an idea or two from you YH...

Thanks guys, gotta run, see y'all later...

Dr.Watson wrote:


Dear Dr. Watson,

Your comment about sincerity touched me very deeply, I didn't even realize why until after I ran out to start my day. I've been waiting all day (yeah, long day...) to tell you why:

Part of what fed into my cycle of feelings of inadequacy, isolation and depression growing up (see post here for more details: http://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/218879-(trying-to)-Keep-Smiling#219129) was this very idea about sincerity: I know myself to be very sincere, everything I do is with extreme sincerity, I have a very hard time faking things that are important to me, or lying to people that are close to me, that includes first and foremost lying to myself, that is something that is (consciously) very difficult for me to do. Yet, all I would hear all the time is phrases like "odom korov eitzel atzmo" and "al kol peshaim techase ahava - ahavas atzmo", iow, there is no such thing as true sincerity, nobody is truly sincere, etc. This was always very difficult for me to accept and led to deep feelings of self doubt. Even now I struggle with decisions that I make whether they are sincere or driven by selfishness, although I had no selfish thoughts while making that decision. Your comment about how I "nailed it" with sincerity is proof for me that the people who claim that there is no such thing as true sincerity don't know what they are talking about and cannot recognize sincerity only because they don't have it themselves, while those that do have it see it right away!

Thanks again.