gibbor120 wrote:


just wana say thank you so much, that post like changed my yom kippur, (as well as the shiur, for other reasons maybe you can guess)

Exactly!

But imho it's more than just to make sure you won't go down that road again, it can change other areas of your life as well, like you said about how your understanding of yourself changed your social life, finding the void in your life can change how you approach shiduchim and eventually who you decide to marry. I don't believe marriage is about fixing a problem or plugging a hole, a person should try to be wholesome and healthy before they get married (like somebody once said "if you don't have a life, why involve somebody else in your problem?"), but I do believe that part of what one looks for when looking into compatibility is whether that person makes you feel more complete, which I believe will be clarified to you once you find that "hole", at least, the person you marry shouldn't make the hole bigger...

Lots of success in both parts of the process!

Sept 15, day 6

as of monday at 9:45, ill have been a week clean. impressive but something doesn't sit well with me. its like im missing something,its like the feeling you get right b4 the monster comes and eats you. i cant put my finger on it, its just creeping me out.
yom kippur was...good. i always dont really know what to expect on yom kippur. the day leads for a big build up and then when neila comes im like almost "let down" at how normal i feel. like i get all excited and daven realy loud and with intensity, but its like im still me. idk. but overall i felt i made some progress in my attitude towards my avodas hashem, the one day at a time and the taking things slow.
now im home for sukkos and the real challenge begins. home is always where i end up falling the most, jujst because i have nothing else to do. i dont really get along with my family so much(dont get me rwrong, i luv them dearly and they r awsome, just w/e) so i spend alot of time in my room on my comp. BH i hav my sukka to build and i might go drive to ****** to get stuff for a friend for sukkos ( i live out of town). so just trying to stay buissy as muc has i can. i still have video games and learning to keep me busy if i need but i cant do that for but so long. ya home is just not good for me overall. not much to do, no1 to hang out with, i slip into my old hermit ways.
its funny , everyone is saying that u need to find the void that acting out is filling up, and i really dnt know what. i have goal in life, to become a therapist/counceler to teens and perhaps addiction counceling. i have a great passion for helping people. i k i need work in my yiddishkeit, and i hav alot to work on, idk what big thing is missing. its just like ive been doing it for so long, and the urge has just been so strong for so long. and like even after i kinda," grew up" and became a normal adult, acting out was just still there even though it wasnt perhaps the most logical thing to go to. when i was younger it was just the way i felt ok. but now/b4 when i did it it didnt even make sense i just did it bc i have been doing to forever. so maybe it possible if i "break" the habbit, and work on my lusting, i wont even need it. thats just my hope, and ik i have to be carful, but i feel like if im not hopeful, my negativity will just consume me and i wont have any chance.
another thing im noticing, is that while i am still looking at women, i dont feel like its "lustful" rather just admiration. that might mean absolutly nothing and is probibibly the same thing, but idk. its more that i find the personality of woman amazing. they are just better then men imo (lol, minus the being complete vipers when they want to). idk, this probibly isnt very good thinking but just what i am thinking.

only thing i know to do is just stay positive and keep on puting one foot infront of the other, just feeling anxious about evrything

RebYid, the monster is the void, and you are keeping the monster away by filling the void and coming here!

Think about why don't you get along with your family although you love them?
Think about if you don't feel "lustful" towards women why do you "admire" them so much?
Think about when you are dating, etc. why does the need to act out seem to disappear without any feelings of lust?
Think about what the experience of the last week was like and why does it feel too easy?

I think you'll find that there is one answer that answers all these questions. Good luck, and congratulations!

but if the monster is the void, what was there b4? wats suppose to be ther?

ok to answer the qs i guess..
why dont i get along with my family? well my older brother is a bipolar recovering alcohaulic who, while i love with all my heart, cant stand being around.
my parent have a terrible attitude towards rabbis and yeshivish people, who while im not a huge fan of myself, have a respect for torah they sometime i feel lack.
our home is so mest up with my parent taking care of my older brother, whos 29 mind you, and trying to make money so we can survive, ( moneys always been tight)
why do i admire girls? because they are nice and sensitive and understanding and such great caregivers. and all the problems that women have seem so trivial. they are mean to each other only because they feel threatened by each other. guys r jerks just because they dont care enough to gie a rats chamor about other peoples feelings.
why do i not have lust issue while i date? idk, i guess Ming n watching porn was my conection to something intamite, however not it really was. i feel like with out a gf or being involed with a girl dating wise, that im alone and no1 really gets me. that i dnt feel comfortable enought to really let go of my self. and when i m**, i can put my self with who ever im thinking about or watching while i do it. its lame but i guess "nessisary" substitution. thats the only thing i can think of. when i was with sima, "my ex", i just forgot about my self completely and was hers; anticipating what she wanted and needed to a tee, and jumping on the oportunity to give it to her. whether it was txting her at 6am while she was on the bus to school, or singing her to sleep, it gave me perpose. i knew i was helping her. trunes out i wasnt so much and just destroying my self, but thats why i did it, and then i didnt need to "act out" i had my outlet. so my dangerous thought is, if so why woulndt marrage help this issue? asuming i find the right girl and this zeal to be a devoted husband continues on? idk. ppl are saying not and i trust them. hence my confusion

I don't know too many girls, but they have their own pros and cons, yeah, their's are kind of the opposite of ours.I guess that's we we're supposed to get married, ezer k'negdo.

Disclaimer:I don't know much about marriage but I'd like to share some thoughts anyway.

I don't think anyone can tell you that you for sure won't have any problems if you get married.It just makes sense since it didn't help anyone here (that I know of).

I've seen other people post about not having a problem while dating. I've been told by at least one person that marriage helped him, for a little bit and then it was back to normal. I've also heard in shiurim about marriage, that at the beginning it's total bliss and then it, like every good thing, starts taking alot of work.

So, maybe the way it works is like this.While dating and possibly at the beginning of marriage, while it's still new, and life is great, then it does help.It's solving up the emotional issues that cause it.But then, when life starts getting hard, and marriage isn't so much fun anymore, then the issues come back.Plus of course now there's the added stressor of marriage.
I don't think you'll always be in the mood of being a devoted husband.You can be a great guy (and I'm sure you are) but eventually enough is enough.

What do you think?

ive thought i that, kinda of, and i guess i just think, ya ik marrage isnt all luvy duvy. your wife will piss u off, and u her, and its stress shain kmohu. idk, like if i play that out, that marage is just more stress, then how is marrige a good thing? it must give you inherent tools to deal with it if your willing to work with it. so i guess like i could hear why marrage could be alotr more stress, and then all the more reason to go back to acting out, but if the entire point of marrage is make it work, by connecting with your wife, by trying your hardest to be the best husband, even wen you dont want to, that it might make it work. for example. i have a terrible time waking up in the morning. i dnt think it has 2 do wit hsleep, i just like the warm bed. now the honest truth is, if i dont wake up, no1 but myself will be hurt. no1 will even notice. alot of things in my life are like that. im very much only acountable to my self. and then on the otherhand, things in which i am acountable to other people, i have a hard time noot doing. like i still call my mom every night even wen i dont want to bc ik she misses me. when i had my bouts of reeeeal depresion and had suicidal thoughts, how ever much i thought and "fanttasised" about, the honest honest honest truth is ik i could of never done it unless i was pushed off the dee pend for real. why? bc i alwasy thought about my family, and how they would be so broken. so like when it come to things that are only me, i struggle greatly. but if it is something that affects other, i can bring my self to even slip. so on one hand i have low self respect, but at the same itme i realise im worth it bc other ppl think so, and it is real to me. i gues its the paradox of self esteem. a person who has low self esteem realy has self esteem or he wouldnt be botherd by rejection. only because he is machshiv himself is he able to be hurt wen his esteem takes a hit. so idk. im hopefull ill be a good husband, and ik it wont be fun and games, but if the option of releving the stress come to watcing porn, which im aware WILL mess up my marrage for obvious and numerous reasons, idk if ill take that option. god i hope im being honest but i feel liek i am. idk could be ill think differently wen im in the situation, but this is how i see it now. basicly my life has had no real consequence up till now,, and marrage is the recognition that ther is some1 out there who will look to me for everything. and everything i do will mean somethign to her. how i tlk to her, the desisions i make, how i treat my self. thats big to me. so idk

again, ik i have lusting issues, from habbit, form just my serouding, from my pervert friends. but if im able to conquor that, idk, maybe ill be ok. i hope i will. i pray i will

I'm not saying that the point of marriage is to add stress, just that it probably will at times.That doesn't mean it isn't working out, and I'm sure all in all it's the best decision one can make.We still have to be realistic about it, Iy"h it's gonna be great, but it won't be perfect.

The thing is that while stress isn't really a bad thing and a little fight is also totally normal, if the way we know how to deal with that stress is through P and M, then we're in big trouble.As I'm sure you know, we aren't rational when the urge hits and if the only thing that's been holding us back was marriage, then we're in big trouble.

Anyway, B"h you started dealing with this before marriage, almost a week clean!

You're gonna be fine, just let Hashem run the show, he's doing it anyway.

ik ik but ppl here have been clean for years and they still fall. that shows me there really isnt a way to beat it, just hold it off. and with what?

idk im tired i need sleep. thx for hearing me out

I don't know, I think most people who've been clean for years manage to stay clean.But who cares, even if they fall every few years it's not like falling every day or every time we're stressed.

I should go to sleep as well, you think that staying up late might possibly have to do with our inability to get up in the morning?


good night

You guys took the words out of my mouth, I just want to clarify one point. It's not that marriage will not have that "filling the void" effect and it's also not that marriage just creates stress, it's that marriage cannot be depended on for plugging that hole, because that's not what marriage is made for and is not designed to fulfill that role. Marriage is made for two people to take what they have and turn it into something much bigger, a family. Marriage cannot help the people be who they need to be for a few reasons: 1. it is not designed for that, 2. once married, the people involved in the marriage are now a family, a family has new needs that marriage comes to fill, if the marriage is busy filling the needs of the people involved as individuals (which there is no guarantee it will actually do that), its energy will be used up and there will be nothing left for the family they created.
There are sometimes you hear of people that the marriage helped them become a "new person" and raise a happy and healthy family, but that is unusual, marriage does not usually help for people who are not strong enough without it.

What you need to do is become a strong person and learn to fill your void in healthy ways (does a GYE addiction qualify? idk, but it's definitely healthier than the other stuff...), then you can come in to marriage with a strong foundation upon which you can build a family, the stronger a person you are on your own the more energy your marriage will have to provide for the needs of the marriage and family.

I hope this makes sense, and helps you in your journey.
It's amazing how trying to explain something to somebody really helps you understand it better yourself, thanks for enabling!

...so, the above begs the question, what difference does it make who I marry? And if marriage is not there to fill a void, why is it important that I understand what that void is before I get married?
I would think that the answer to these questions is in 2 parts: 1. just because marriage is not designed to fill the role of making me a strong and wholesome person it doesn't mean it shouldn't help for that, and definitely doesn't mean that it should make the void feel deeper. so when looking for a partner in marriage I would think that it is important to try to find somebody who will help in my personal journey as well, and who I could help in their personal journey (perhaps this is the concept of compatibility). 2. the success of our mission in building a family depends first and foremost on us as individuals (duh!), although we do travel that journey as a unit we each contribute with our own personality, if the person I am married to has a personality that aggravates the void I have the need to fill, it will be very difficult to work together as a unit, and the journey of marriage is destined to be a stressful one, sometimes even to the extent of being unsustainable. so compatibility is not only important for both people in the marriage as individuals it is also crucial to success of the marriage.
So, bottom line, I believe very strongly that the key to a successful marriage is knowing yourself and being realistic about your needs, not turning every expectation into a need, but also not living in denial.

Ok, that's enough for now, I'm gonna be mumbling marriage and relationship gibberish in my sleep if I don't stop... (where is the off switch? ah, there it is:
)

sept 18, day 9

havent posted in a couple of days, been busy/unmotivated/depressed for no apperent reason
arguing with my mom a lot bout my brother. she thinks ive changed and stuff. idk what to think. still clean, but mournings are hard when i just wake up for obvious reasons. if any1 has tips on making erections go away id appreciate it. thats usualy how i fall, went it wont go away.
clean 9 days so far. feeling blah and lonerish. yesterday i drove to baltimore for a freind to get stuff for yontiff. 5 hour drive there and back, so lot of alone time. just pounded loud music and drove fast with the windows down, almost liek a convertable right? anywho. still no crazy urges so i guess that's good. hopefully yuntiff will be OK. shmiras aynayim needs work.i dont stare as so much think about the ppl i see, wonder what there life is like, if they are nice or mean, wishing they would just like talk to me and tell me there life story. idk w/e

gut yuntiff

I find the faster I go to the bathroom and get dressed the faster it goes away.

RebYid90 wrote:


Look at the description at the top of this forum:
"One of the most powerful tools for breaking addictions is to stay out of isolation."

Be strong!