Yesterday during YK davening, I did not feel the 'passion' that I wanted to feel. My davening was quite 'dry'. But B"H I did not let it get me down. I told myself that there are many mature couples who have a good relationship, without any 'fireworks'. They are content with the mere fact that they are there for each other. Same with my relationship with Hashem. I can be content knowing that He is constantly by my side, providing me with all my needs.

Boruch Hashem for that!

MT

Machshovo Tova wrote:


I had a similar experience.

I remember dov writing somewhere that during the first year or two of his recovery his passion for yahadus dwindled (or something to that effect)

In the past, our passion was fueled by or desire to conquer our addiction. Now that we are BH making progress we need to realize that even though we are making progress we still need all the help we can get.

Interesting, same here.

Me three.

There is the last keta of viduy, that goes " הרי אני ככלי מלא בושה וכלמה"
When I was in the midst of constantly acting out in my addiction, that line resonated so deeply with me. This year not so much. Same with other parts that had to do with my acting out. I know I have not been perfect this year, but I have been so much better than I was in the past, I just didn't feel it as much. Like when I clop the Al heit on interest. I have never paid or been paid interest by a Jew in my life, I just never feel that one. There were more like that this year.

I am still not sure if that is a good thing or not. Thoughts?

I had a less intense davening than usual as well.Probably for the same reason, every year I used to think about my acting out when I davened and this year there was B"h less to think about.

I think it might be that until now the davening was a bit of a fake thing.I would be asking hashem for mechila b'ikkur on the one aveirah I had pretty much no intention of changing.It's hard for me to think of that intense tefillah as real when I would fall that night, or at least within a few days.

Now the job is the real thing.Which I think is actually being honest with ourselves.It doesn't take much honesty to realize we masturbate and watch porn, but to start thinking about the times we were disrespectful to horim umorim, or made leitzanus etc. is a lot harder and "not such a big deal anyway", definitely not like masturbating.

So maybe until now we thought along the lines of Hashem is ok with the rest, but this is a big thing.Now we have to realize that anything holding us back from being close to him, is going to have to go.

I don't know if this is right, Iv'e been thinking a bit about it as well.My thoughts are more centered about how all the stories about tzaddikim that really believed they were the biggest reshaim around.They weren't stupid, obviously they knew they were better than everyone else, how did they do it?

I know that the answer is we're not supposed to compare ourselves to others, since we might have bigger kochos and different circumstances, but still, if you know that you've been doing hard things then how do you feel like the biggest rasha?

Dov, bring out the zeir anpin please.

inastruggle wrote:

Anyone for making a Inna Quotes thread? Gibbor? TOGBURP?

Let me tell you about my Yom Kippur, and I think it fits in to what you all are saying,

It was very hard to daven this Yom Kippur, every time a Shemoneh esrei started and the Shul would throw itself into the fervor and high of the tefilah, I just stood there thinking “what the hell am I doing?”
There was just no connection, and I guiltily thought about how I could get this fast over with quicker.

And so I read a bit and spaced out a bit, and I tried to think about the life I am living and why on earth am I not touched by the holiest of days. But still nothing.

Then sometime around Ne’ilah it hit me “I am a six month old when it comes to relationships of any kind (six months ago I became sober), how do I expect myself to all of a sudden have a real relationship with my god?

Dov speaks about this a lot, that our relationship with god matured as we were developing our acting out habits and the vitality of Jewish life was just a way to deal with the acting out. After I would act out I would immediately do Teshuvah and by some seforim and sit and say tikkun klali and go to the mikvah and when Yom Kippur would come I would shed real tears, and swear that I would never do it again, and then it would wear off, and I would get stressed again for whatever reason and I would act out, and BOOM!!! I was back there shedding tears learning lekutei moharan and doing tikkunim. And everyone around me was like “ooh ahh, what a holy guy, what a real Chassid” because it’s so amazing that a litvak learned how to serve Hashem with his heart, wow, and the truth was that I got into Chassidus because the litvish way wasn’t helping me deal with my emotional pain of masturbating and looking at porn, Chassidus made me feel that I still had a relationship with god and that was my entire relationship with him, this knowing that I have fallen and now I can still talk to him.

Dov says it’s a nuclear reset button, which I think means that the acting out acts as a catalyst for bigger connection, so I act out so I can have a bigger connection, and then I feel great and then I get stressed and I act out to escape, and I am back again with the tears and the seforim and such a holy yid and this cycle keeps going on and on.
It is true that we can all have a relationship with god even after the biggest sin, but that was my WHOLE relationship, and once I stopped that type of terrible sinning, I had no frame of reference and so I stood there waiting to daven Shemoneh esrei and no words would come forth.

“So here I am a baby standing before you god, with no words because I need to learn how to speak to you again in a real way. Please god please teach e to know you and to be able to learn how to talk to you. Teach me how to be real, how to be present with the people I am with especially my wife and kids. Teach me to have a real relationship with you and everyone you have put in my life!”

As your name clearly indicates: "afreshstart"!...

and the 39 is the 39 malkus!!!

i hope i can move on and grow, and learn and keep growing,and find a way to connect to hashem in a real way,

with the help of God i am clean for today, and may he grant me a clean day tomorrow!

so iam back after a couple of days away,

thank god i was away because i was so busy, and not for other reasons 'hmeiven yavin'

i do not know what i did to deserve this love from hashem that he is keeping me clean this long, and like a near death experience i had a few years ago, i am left wondering - "why?" what is so special about me that i deserve to live, and i think the same way now, why do i deserve to be clean with hashem's help?

as a side note, i am living proof that a real near death experience is NOT enough to keep a person clean. near death experiences are to easy, there is no effort involved (i am not referring to a long term sickness which is a different concept totally), you either survive or you don't. its more a lesson in gratitude than in really changing.

thank you hashem for helping me be clean today, and i pray that you can give me a clean day tomorrow, for it is only with you abundant love that i can make through this day and any day that you choose to keep on your straight path. i beg of you to please open my heart so that i can learn your ways and so that i can learn to know you in the way a mortal can. i don't want your olam habah and all your gifts as much as i want only you. please god let me in to your world!

still clean thank god!!!!

but I am triggering more and more and more as each day goes by,

at cvs at the checkout line is very hard as all the magazines are stacked right in your face, so sometimes I win and ignore But a lot of times I don't and it really hurts when I give that double take!

I really really don't want to go back to that dark pit of hell of lusting
please help me god stay away, please!

as you just wrote elsewhere, it's one cvs trip at a time.

KUTGW!!

KOMT!!!

Hi Fresh.. is it maybe the after Yom Tuv syndrome that others are often reporting. So then I can tell you same here, it's not really helpull but at least you know your'e not the only one and we need to ask for extra dose of help from above in these days, or in TODAY.

haha, post yom tov blues

i think dov mentioned that on simchas torah when the mechitzahs are open and we catch sight of that pretty chassidish girl and we give an extra jump the next time around, or we hope to catch sight of her again as we come around the circle again

after a whole night and then day of this and of course all the chol hamoed outings to places unknown, of course i end up a molten mush of stressed nerves and frayed emotions and unchecked lust

its like the emergency room on motzei shabbos in israel, all the frummies who were holding it through the shabbos finally explode when they get the chance and run to the hospital

a hatzalah friend of mine told me this was his busiest night of the week!!!

afreshstart39 wrote:
oy yeah makes sense