i noticed something interesting on the forums here,

there are many members that have great advice for others on the forum and its almost as if i could picture a wise man behind that anonymous username typing his words with such care and love and wisdom. and then i find a thread, usually here in the 90 day threads, which describe the journey of those self same wise men, but all i ear behind their words is not the voice of a wise old man, but of the soft, (and sometimes loud) crying of a child trying to come home, to find a way out of whatever situation they are hurting in.

it hit me very strongly this thought as i realized that all the wise words are nice and helpful, but the simple honesty of the child within calling out is what is going to help us.

when i hear a member describing their growth or journey it calls me back to my own reality and it is like a light that seems to beckon me to join. i need to clearly spell out my own journey. not so much to sound like a wise man on other threads, but more to get clear where i stand and see my own journey, and find that little child within me, who has been crying out to his father the moment he came into this world.

so here is my journey
i will post as often as i can, as my life is very hectic, but i need to see my own journey unfold and i hope that as much as i learn from it, someone else reading will learn from it as well.

my journey here in my own words starts well after my 90 days, but 90 days or not i need recovery, and work to keep going.

i started my journey to sobriety over a 140 days ago, but i stopped counting because i found that i was keeping a tally and seeing how far i can go instead of just letting everything go into god's hands.

the reason i am clean for so long i believe is because i was caught by my wife, and the pain of that experience has shocked me into sobriety, but i cannot continue this way, because once that shock wears off i am doomed. i need real recovery and i need to be here sharing that with whoever may chose to listen.

i did my first step, and said over my story on a phone conference, so i will not go into it here,
my story is basically the same as a lot who are here on the site, i was into porn and masturbation and i risked my marriage and my future just so that i can act out, because it felt so good, it took me away from myself and i could feel great without having to deal with my inner turmoil.

i am still powerless to my lust, and i know that if i let myself have any lust i will be lost.

so i am here today with gods help clean and i pray that God lets me be clean tomorrow, but that is tomorrows journey.

for now,
Goodnight

Honesty is the way, the only way I found to work.

Keep it going, please let us learn with you!!

why am i still up on the computer?

i should have been in bed 2 hours ago! b'h i am not doing anything wrong to warrent even a slip, but i am just wasting time,

maybe it is not only porn i need to work on,

i cant have lust, but maybe i lie to myself and say that i can have hours and hours of gye, wikipedia, and whatever uslelss info to read about online,

oy vey back to square one i guess,

I agree, and I think others have posted on the issue of escaping to the computer to waste time and not confront the real life. I do the same and it is as much of a problem as lust albeit not with the same or even near the same consequences.

Yitzchok

Welcome to the 90 Day forum.
It is nice to post on other threads, but having my own to vent, and think thoughts out loud has really helped me get my problems in perspective.

Good Luck

I can relate to this big time. I waste so much time "stam" online. All is kosher....but is a waste.



afreshstart39 wrote:

I wouldn't say back to square one, just look at yourself, you were sure you just had a porn problem.

You have come a long way to now realize that our problem is deeper than that! It may be square one, but certainly not back to square one, rather a new square one.

(and for the practical kabalah, it's like keser of malchus is malchus of yesod vedok)

KUTGW!!! KOMT!!!

youre right pidaini, its a new square,

i just installed webchaver, even though i have k9 already on, so that my wife can see what i am wasting my time on and for how long, and trust me she hates it when i waste time,
so do i, but i know how to trick myself!

thank god i am very busy and not a lot of time to waste, but sometimes i will find myself up to 2 in the morning reading ridiculous stuff

last night i was reading about power rangers, because i saw a video in cvs earlier that day, and when i was way younger i used to watch the show,so i wikipediaed it and read about all the different power rangers stuff, how sad,then i found out that imdb isnt blocked so i can watch trailers and even an episode of power rangers!
(how sad is that!!!) i then realized i have a problem not just with porn but with wasting time (power rangers is pretty rock bottom if you ask me)

so we got covenant eyes and my wife will see if i was on Wikipedia for 4 hours or on imdb watching power rangers (how embarrassing!)

and all the places that are not blocked by k9 will be recorded in the book of li... uh... i mean in webchaver, and i know that she will come a'knockin' if she sees me wasting away on the interwebs

afreshstart39


You just pinpointed part of the issue.

A thought enters our mind - whether it's from something we see, or hear - and we have a really hard time letting go of it. We then go in search for more and more of it.

Thoughts may actually be what we are addicted to.

Therefore, we need to be aware of thoughts that are dangerous. When we realize that those thoughts are trying to invade our minds, we have to firmly give them the boot. If we see something that we know triggers us to certain types of thoughts, we need to look away. These thoughts are dangerous for us, because they lead us down a path of destruction, and therefore we can't even let a seed be planted.

my problem is that i need to escape and run away the moment i feel life is getting to difficult,(like every day!!!)

i will run to any place i can,
porn was like heroin for me, but movies and TV was like pills, and wasting time online is like marijuana, and learning chassidus was like medically prescribed drugs, i had different poisons for different occasions, now i cant do porn,and not so much tv and movies, so i overdose on wasting time, and preaching chassidus (instead of living chassidus)

i hope that one day with the help of hashem i will look at chassidus and avodas hashem as a way of life not as a way to run away from life

skeptical wrote:


the power ranger thoughts were not initially dangerous thoughts, they were just a silly memory that i wanted to look up, and then one thing led to another, and i spent hours on non dangerous thoughts,

how do i safeguard against thought that arent dangerous?

recently i am feeling like that guy in the movies who gets hit by a volley of machine gun fire, but instead of bullets its triggers for lust, and like the guy, i feel my self being jerked this way and that as if in a seizure as each bullet hits and i just want to fall to my knees like that guy in platoon (don't watch it, its a waste of time, except for that scene)

every time i trigger it hits and hard, so far i haven't done anything not even a slip really, although my body does its own double takes on its own and i pull myself back,

but everywhere i turn its another volley, and i am still struggling to get up, and keep going, because i am hoping that eventually the bad guys will run out of bullets and i will be able to strangle the thing with my bare hands, one day, one day...

i walk the streets and a jogger, and a neighbor, and a store clerk, and a... it goes on and on, they all have there fingers on my trigger and all i can do is keep telling myself to keep moving through the volley, keep moving through it, don't let yourself fall to your knees, be the soldier that you are and keep moving,

and as blood from my wounds drain me from my life force i am reaching, reaching for a force beyond me that can help me for i cannot win this war on my own, i am compromised, i am injured, i am broken, my insides lay before you, for all to see

"keep moving, keep looking the enemy in the eye and see it for what it really is,
remember the pain that started the battle remember the falls, remember the hate you felt for yourself as you fell and remember that you fell again to cover up your self hatred"

so i keep dragging my boots through the muddy bloodstained jungle " keep moving forward, keep moving, keep moving, keep moving...."

"PLEASE GOD DONT LET ME FALL, DONT LET ME FALL AGAIN INTO THE BLACK BITTERNESS, INTO THE BOILING POT OF MY OWN SHAME...please God help me through this day, help me to keep moving, help me to learn to see myself, to love myself, and to see You through eyes that are not tainted by the twisted calculations of a sick sick man.

i continue through the clearing in the jungle that He has made, and i keep moving and keep moving, please keep me moving, please!

with God's help i remained clean for today, may He grant me a clean day tomorrow.

okay, now i am really going to bed,

i was going to look up up another stupid idea on wikipedia, but its just stupid,

maybe i need to keep an eye out for stupid ideas, the dangerous ones lead to porn and the stupid ones lead to stupid things

who knows
Goodnight!!!

Well done!! You stopped yourself!

One day at a time... one day at a time..