you see, when i was doing my 90, i had help from almost everybody on the forum.they were helping me climb the mountain of sobriety.and it was almost a 90 degree climb - straight up.i couldn't have done it myself. but i had everyone screaming - go jack, we're all behind you on this! you tell me, how could i disappoint everyone? how would it look if everyone was helping me and i let them down?
jack

hergel, it means being accustomed to doing something, a habit.an addiction is hergel at its highest and most powerful.how to break that magnet of hergel? for one thing, it aint easy. the answer, according to the experts, is group support.but you also have to habve the right attitudes, for that you read the attitude handbooks.but the books wont have their effect without support from the group, unless you are superman, that is.
jack

is this really me? i used to mast- every day.go to the movies as often as possible.be pulled by that strong magnet called tayva.take a detour on the way home.i dont feel that pull anymore.i dont recognize myself anymore.i feel like a pretzel.

the 5 senses - seeing,hearing,touching,feeling,tasting. if any of these are stimulated, the feelings go right into the heart and soul.if they are stimulated by bad things, then that is bad.conversely, if they are stimulated by holy things, then that is good.for an addict, this logic doesn't work too well.but we could at least try to do whatever we can.so why stimulate our senses with bad stuff? doesn't it make sense to try and avoid negative stimulation? that's why the posuk says 'your eyes should see your teachers'.the purpose is to expose our senses to things holy and pure.and why do you think the halacha is that you should avoid certain streets if possible?it is so that we don't expose ourselves to impure stimuli.
jack

some more thoughts on 2 years clean.
the 4th of elul will be my 2 year anniversary with GYE.what have i accomplished and what have i yet to accomplish?
i dont feel the strong pull anymore to visit moviehouses like i used to.i was so entrenched in this that i never thought i'd be able to pull out of it.every time i had a chance, i was there.
however, my eyes still wander. i am so used to this, that again, i don't know if i'll ever be able to get out of this habit.the major problem is in the street.
also, i'm not telling anyone to read the secular papers, but the next time one of you married guys is thinking of cheating, you should know that almost every day
in the new york post, is another story of someone who got in BIG trouble for cheating on their spouses.so DONT DO IT! it AINT WORTH IT! you want your picture on page 1 of the ny post?they'd love it! an orthodox jew is committing infifelities? ah, what a story! so, in a way, the ny post should save some people's marriages.but again, dont read it on my account.
jack

dear chevra, 2 years ago reb guard told me to heal myself while i still have bechira in the matter.because there will come a time when my bechira will disappear, and then healing will not be a result of my work, and therefore not worth so much.what he was talking about was menopause in my wife.when that stage comes, i will no longer have to be abstinent. well, something similar happened to me recently (just last month). i lost my gevuras anoshim. i now have to take pills if i want tashmish.guard was right - i worked on healing myself just 2 years before i dont have to work on it anymore - i'm no longer a ba'al bechira in this matter. the message is clear - healing is much more worthwhile when we are baalei bechira than when it is forced upon us. so thanks to reb guard for giving me the added incentive to heal. and as guard told me - this is a message to all that zera is a gift from G-d and should not be abused. jack

Dear Jack,

Great to hear from you, and thank you for that very powerful message.

Hoping that, medically, a viable eitza will be found.

Jack try this


www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/JackSimcha.mp3

Jack you are a beautifull person with a huge jewish heart.

just look at all the nice things people are saying to me - it is precisely this that got me over the top 2 years ago. and i will ALWAYS have a place in my heart for the people on this forum - even the ones i dont "know". i'm only sorry i dont have the time to post as often as i would like. jack

hello all, it's been a long time.i just want to share some more ideas with all of you. in my battle with this, i realized there was a void because i gave up my 'best friend'.rabbi twerski told me to fill that void with torah.but the two are not the same.how do i get the torah to fill that void? how do i get the torah to give me pleasure? well, it's not easy, but here is what i came up with:
1 - the pleasure of torah has to be visceral - you have to feel it in your gut.it's not enough to feel it in the intellect.it has to replace something physical.we must use our physical senses to appreciate the world of Hashem.so, how to do it? spring is coming - BREATHE in the spring air.LISTEN to the birds chirping - they are doing what Hashem created them to do.read perek shira - SEE how all the animals are doing exactly what they were commanded to do.TOUCH an orange, FEEL an apple, how beautiful! what a beautiful world Hashem made for us to enjoy! EAT the matza, feel the bondage/freedom that was the mitzrayim experience.remember - only G-d is perfect.if we make a mistake, get up.
2 - learn up a good tosfos - there is no pleasure that matches this.go as deep as you are able, and in as much detail as possible.go slow, take in every detail.make it physical, learn with a smile on your face, learning tosfos is like eating - dont foerget your fork and knife!
i wish myself chizuk in these areas.
i love you all, jack.

Very good points. 

Great to hear from you, Jack!

dear kedusha, it was great to meet you at the meeting.the mesiras nefesh you put in to come by train on a long trip just to come to the meeting is a lesson fo us all.we all need role models in this battle, and you taught me something that day.
jack

It was worth it just to meet you! 

as you all know, i am trying to deal with the absence of 'my best friend'. yesterday, i mentioned rabbi twerski's answer. today, i will mention another answer, by Rabbi Feldman of Ner Yisroel, i think it is an opposite answer than that of R. twerski: at the end, i will tell you what R' Guard said about this:

Rabbi Feldman of Ner Yisroel wrote a book not too long ago called 'In the eye of the Storm'. In it he dealt with a couple of different controversial issues in the jewish community. one of these issues was the issue of homosexuality. Now, I fortunately do not suffer from this disease. But maybe some of the thngs he said about this could be applied to us addicts, who are NOT homosexuals. It's been a long time since I read it, so i'm working from memory - but he seemed to say the OPPOSITE of what Rabbi Twersky told me. And to tell you the truth, I see R. Feldman's side more than Rabbi Twerski's. So here goes:
R. Feldman says that he understands how difficult it is for a homosexual to be abstinent.and he feels for them, really.but he said if they suffer and hold out, and abstain from forbidden behaviors, they will be rewarded. Nowhere does he say anything about looking to replace the fobidden behaviors with permissible ones. He speaks about suffering', and being rewarded by G-d for this suffering. this is what i am doing, and have been doing ever since I started battling this disease - suffering. And no, i have not been able to follow r. twerski's advice, even though i wrote that post yesterday - i was just searching, maybe, and maybe someone out there WILL be able to follow R. twerskis advice. and use your 'kosher aisle' section for what is was meant to be used for. For me, though, i only know suffering.i'm sorry to end on this note, but according to R. Feldman, suffering for Hashem in this world will be rewarded - the paycheck will come.

when i sent this to r guard, he said the following: maybe one needs a synthesis of the two - sometimes you can use rabbi twerski's answer, if possible, and sometimes you can't, so you just have to suffer and know there will be reward at the end. i happen to think this is an ingenious answer! jack