the heibishter did for me what i can't do for myself.

after a month of agmas nefesh & thinking how was i so naive to put myself into this trap where i didn't belive to hear hi, talking to my wife like this, my wife apporched me & told me she doesn't understand why this therapist tells her to saparate from me. b"h she is back! (she never left the house, just my bed)

the only thing is when she relized this mistake she became N. (miscarage in the 6-8th week) so we waiting to start counting & go to M.

meanwhile to stay current today is ז אלול. & i relap. will this be finally the last time?

i'm going out of my mind. last week thrusday i had 5 times M. I had since than 4 quite days & today... b"h.. only once...
very disappointing!

I hope to start with normal therapist soon (not one that will have my wife deal with my problem...) & get the gabage out so there is no need to act out again

thank you hashem for another non-acting out day. I have all the reasons to act out. empty office, tired, some work I try to escape, etc. so at last i escaped to this place. better off.

B"H I was finally able to scheduale a long overdue meeting with a terapist. looking foward. althou I cannot be mochel myself for not doing it 20 years ago. & than i would have gotten married healthy

"TO EXCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE!"

kol hakavod!

yasher koach. it's mamesh "me'ayn Olam Habo" to read your chizukim & remember the zmiros shabos.

today i'm davening to be zoche for the 3rd clean sober day

Keep up the fight! I have also been clean since Motzaei Shabbos Nachamu and find that the only approach that works for me is looking at each day as a part of a struggle in a long war, and that when I look backwards, my inner strength and confidence just collapses.

B"H I went to the terapist for the first time yesterday it was good & painful! yes, good! & yes, Painful! she gave me some homework to do some tapes to listen some books to buy (& read, of caurse) i need to get over this pain NOT with acting out & NOT with using my wife.
it was (& stil) painful to understand that i'm in bigger trouble that i thought. that (i can't write, my heart is bitting from thinking) I CAN"T WRIT IT NOW! but the pain is there! IT CAN"T BE! IT"S IMPPOSIBLE! NO IS NOT TRUE! what do i do with this info?! i do i deal with this? when i came home i told my wife maybe i should wait with the next appointment till she comes back from the mikva. 'cause i can't do it alone. i need to use her bodey instead of my usual drug/pain killer (porn). but i can't do it to her! she can't be my subsitute! she can't be my sex maid! she is a person of her own! not just another piece of "b'sar ta'ava"!!!

HELP!!!!

i feel your pain. remember that you are doing something about the situation, not just continuing along doing nothing. kol hakavod for going to the therapist.
as they say in the Marines, pain is fear leaving the body. this process should leave you in a better place. Hang in there. Take it bit by bit. hope things get better and better

thanx,
as a matter of fact, when i got home i started listening to one of the tapes & after half hour i stopped & texted her i can't do it she texted back "SLOW DOWN" i guess i was going to fast & needed to give it more time. can't do it all at once.

I give this terapyst my ful trust. i understand she knows what she's doing. however she is taking me thrue a very hard path. right now i have flashback memories which i never had before. i relive my life as a 8 yrs old naive boy in a smart old body. & this is not easy. the best i can say is: יה"ר מללפני אבינו שבשמים שיהא עסק זה לי לרפואה שלימה כי רופא חינם אתה

i must have had a painful dream last night which was too painful to remember. i do remember having a dream. not the whole dream i remember. i remember the end which got me wet. & I was going crazy there after. remind me of nevuchadnetzer calling all his philosophers to reminfd him what was the dream as he already forgot...

I can't do it anymore! day 27 turned into day 0! HELP!!

on the other hand I'm lucky to be able to go thru the pain for 27 day!

Mazal tov!!! Please have a lechaim and be happy for such an excellent result. 27 days is an awesome achievement, well done! iy''H bischar zeh Hashem will help you do even better next time.

can i ask you what kind of doctor are you? refuas hanefesh? i realy need one! (yes I'm going to therapy but she is not available all the time. may you have opening when she doesn't)

i can't handle the pain of acting out. in the past i used to act out multiple times same day B"H today is only once & w/o pictures. so far.

I blame my self. WHY DID I NEED TO TOUCH MYSELF!

on shabbos I spoke to my wife & she told me she expected me to act out long ago. she never asked me & I never said anything. she doesn't think it's her business.but as I go to therapy & she is aware of how at the begining the situation is getting worst so of caurse I may have acted out. when i told her i'm still sober she gave me a lot of pride. & i felt good sbout myself. until yesterday when i wasn't able to keep my eyes off a triger & today to loose it completely