i'm B"H doing well.
9 days is a tenth of the way to 90! woohoo!

about the tehillim, i was thinking of starting from the first ten perakim and adding from there, but in the meantime i'll say tikkun haklali and b'ezras hashem we won't even have to start tehillim. (though we can do it for other reasons obviously )

i finished the ten kappitlach in tikkun haklali (though i didn't say the stuff before it)

in case anyone doesn't know which they are,
16, 32, 41, 42, 59, 77, 90, 105, 137, and 150.

let's use this to get a bit closer to hashem.

Hey Everyone!!!
Been a while since i posted, so here's a breif update.

Shavvos before shavuos (including thursday) had a hell of a time with lack of shemiras einayim, triggering an avalanche of memories, add to that some really bad moods, but after some chatting here with a few guys (including hopefull, so he is still around!) i Bh came back to myself. had a very nice shavuos and came to a strong realization, since i was feeling so down, i was wondering if i were Hashem if i would give me, Yankel, the Torah again. And then it hit me, Hashem knows me better than myself, and if he is giving it to me again then He must know that i can hold to it!!! it was quite a humbling thought!

Anyway, Wishing you all a Great Shabbos!!!

I regret to inform the chevra, but I fell last night after a series of slips during the day. Thankfully, my fall didn't involve imagery.

I think I'm experiencing not quite withdrawal symptoms, but instead a steady ache--almost like a thirst. I figure that if I stay clean long enough, it will go away. It has also been frustrating, because on last Saturday and Thursday nights, I had keri dreams in which I dreamed I was watching shmutz--to the point that when I woke up, both times I was thinking "crap, I fell, I'll have to tell the guys". It's kind of disheartening, but again, it's all about one day at a time, so even if theoretically that did count as a fall (which it doesn't), it doesn't really matter practically for what I am going to be doing the next day.

Baruch Hashem, I think I've been learning more lately. My last exams are tomorrow and Tuesday, and the last thing school related that I need to do is a graduation speech.

How are you guys doing? Thank God, life is good for me. I feel that even if I fell yesterday, I still made tremendous progress, and now it's just a matter of #1 not slipping, and #2 having faith that I really don't need to quench the thirst, becase that will just make me more thirsty.

Baruch dayan haemes...a 19 year old boy that I knew, didn't know too well but my brother went to school with him for a while, committed suicide this morning. Inastruggle...I understand the whole siyum mishnayos thing now, that tragedies close to home make a huge impact and we want to somehow help solve the tragedies.

Chachaman, I love your honesty, and your not getting down after a fall.
This is what I think, we've had an amazing Kabalas hatorah, followed by a Shabbos. Now is time to put all our Kabolos into action, so what does the YH do, go all out to trap us. If he doesn't he's out of a job.
I BH haven't fallen (Yet) but I feel he is knawing away, slowly chipping away, be more lax in shmiras enayim, watch a movie, ... your feeling tired relax with ... we all know our triggers, he knows our triggers.
I could do with a chizuk here guys.
Yes I've reached over 100 days, but it's still the same battle. Day in day out.
Does it ever get easier?, I thought I had this beat, I actually was finding the Shmiras Enayim in the street easier, but the YH has his ways.

I think inastruggle would be able to answer that last question, or people like Dov that have been sober for several years.

Chachaman is still the same old Chachaman--one little fall doesn't substantially change my future prospects.

I guess you're welcome to join our group, but idk how old you are and whether this would be the right group for you.

israel613120


Contemplating this isn't a good thing. It's none of our business if we have it beat. It's none of our business how things will be tomorrow. We need to deal with now.

Will it be the same, harder or easier tomorrow? Who cares? It doesn't help me now.

First to Chachaman,

Sorry to hear about your fall, the good news is, you will now have a few more kappitlach tehillim standing by your/our side. Keep up the good attitude KOT KOMT!!

And Israel, I am totally with you (as skeptical knows ). i've been having a hard time too lately with just that. made it over 100 days (lost count) and am also feeling like i am losing the grip.

Don't have time right now and not much to write so i'll see if i have something later, in the meentime just KOT KOMT, it's the light in the DARKNESS that really glows, and Hashem really loves!!

I am going to California for the next 6 days, hopefully I'll be shomer einayim. I think the key for me is to not have any fantasies or imagine different scenarios.

Chachaman wrote:

Is this what you meant to say? "I'm fully committed to doing everything in my power (including asking for help from a higher power ) to be shomer aynayim!"

What strategies are you going to use?

To chacha, KOT, just like you're doing

About feeling like we're losing our grip after being clean for a while, maybe it's because there isn't such a difference between each day.In other words, between day one and ten there is a huge difference in feeling and the intensity of the struggle but between day 100 and day 101 it's pretty much the same thing and more than that the intensity of the struggle is pretty much the same thing so we might think that we're just in a rut and not moving.

Of course that's completely wrong.Because every day clean is a gem in itself even if we already B'"H have a bunch of gems and stop appreciating each one individually.Part of this would also be that now is the time to work on the small parts of this battle like the second glance in the street which is not nearly as exciting or fulfilling (most of the time) as the big battle of not m****** and looking at p***,

Also I think that we have to realize that eventually the intensity of the struggle is going to stay the same until 120 since there is a natural struggle that everyone has plus the extra struggle we have since we know how much excitement and pleasure is just a few clicks away, so we never are going to "beat" this thing.

So in the meantime let's just enjoy the relative peace that we're having and work on the small stuff and of course stay on guard.

just to be clear, we're doing the first fifteen kapitlach this time, right?

Hello, gotta keep this one short but I hope to post again soon

Sorry to hear about the fall. "In order to jump a person will bend his knees" and boruch hashem we are on our way up. So I daven that this fall, that I consider myself being a part of, should be the bend of our knees that we all needed to make us jump higher then ever before.

Great week bh, I think its helping me a lot that i stopped counting. I cant fool myself - i know its been around a month. But I don't get up anymore every morning counting sefirah every day. Still does anyone have any tips how to live "one day at a time"? (-without cheating) Truth is if I would fall anytime soon it would be a nuclear disaster - like the previous 5 times when I reached one month and had a fall.

Iyh I will say the 15 kappilach tehilim, (by the kosel bl'n!! - does that count as double?? )

thank you Avrom! it really means a lot.

I think the YH makes falling seem much more desirable the farther away we are from it, because the terrible post-fall feeling is far away at that point. I guess we just have to realize that the whole idea of shmutz is extremely stupid (just like we nowadays think idol worship is stupid), and that it inherently solves nothing and only makes us unhappy. anyway, here is something from Dov in the latest chizuk email that I wanted to copy and paste:

"

The reason that the 12 steps are not about our lust problem (beside for the simple admission of our lust illness in the first step) is because our avodas Hashem/sanity/approach to life cannot be about fighting lust either. Focusing on fighting lust means we are probably thinking about it all the time (not a good idea). To me, it also may mean that I am not serving Hashem. ("What?!", Calm down... that's better :-). What I mean is, that I do not believe Hashem wants me to make the struggle with lust the focus of my life. Leave the romanticized and glorified pulverization of the Yetzer Hara to those more qualified, thank-you. I'm just a measly addict, anyway...

What I believe my Tatty wants of me is: To serve Him. To live for Him. Making the struggle with lust my raison detre' is just as wacky to me as those guys who work out 18 hours a week and spend another 18 hours a week organizing their organic meals, another 5-10 hours reading about improving their health...I always wonder: what are they living for? to be healthy?? Doesn't it make more sense to be healthy in order to live?!

Anyway, you see that's insanity, no? There must be balance for a normal person, right?

Well, for me, an addict, the balance bar goes a bit the other way, believe it or not. I can't afford to struggle with lust as much as a normal yid can. For me, lust needs to be even farther out of the picture, even more remote. As much as possible, I need to keep the issue of whether I lust/not lust, act out/stay sober, come in contact with inappropriate scenery or not, etc, Hashem's business, rather than mine. True, I have to be wise, honest, take whatever steps needed to avoid it... But I just can't afford to make a big deal of it.

The thing I need to make a big deal of is this: Doing His will for me today.

Exactly what is that?

Well, think about it, for it's a big deal. It's actually the biggest deal.

Again, not "what does He want me to do with my life", but just with today.

On a good day, that is my main concern, as much as possible. That's my business. Sound simple? It is.

Yes, I know what it's like to be mentally bombarded with old lust images, euphoric recall, and images of the women on the street. I am aware that once lust ideas get into my head it becomes very hard to think of anything else, especially avodas Hashem. That's why I generally do not let them in - in the first place. But thinking about not thinking about them is just as dangerous for me.

When I screw up though, and the lust gets in, I use the tools we talked about:

- Calling someone and admitting it. This kills the secret and ruins it's power (see the tzetel katan of Rav Elimelech of Lizensk),

- Thinking about what I really want from this image / lust pursuit, i.e. true pleasure, acceptance, and love.

- Admitting that the lust can't give it to me.

- Then asking Hashem to give them to me, cuz only He's got 'em all.

Whatever. There are many, many tools. But they are all ultimately half-measures. And, as they wrote in AA, "half-measures availed us nothing." Which I understand this way: If the main thing we are doing is fighting to stay sober, where's the beef? When does the avodas Hashem start? When does living start?!

True, once we are in trouble, getting away without giving in to the temptation somehow, is technically in the category of avodas Hashem. But for an addict - of all people - I find that making that into a "lifestyle" is completely unacceptable. In fact, In my case, I don't even look at it as in the category of avodas Hashem any more than I view catching my balance when slipping. Getting away from the temptation is purely selfish (enlightened self-interest perhaps, but selfish nonetheless). And I wouldn't have it any other way!
"

I guess I'm not really taking a break from GYE

Baruch Hashem, things are going well. I'm stressing out a bit about a speech I have to give on Monday, but after that things should be fine.

It's interesting to see how far I've come in just 9 months or so as far as attitude goes:

www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=5582.0