Avrom wrote:


Nah! It's only your imagination, Avrom. He's closer than ever. Elul is a time of Ani Ledodi Vedodi Li - I am to my beloved and my beloved is to me. As the Alter Rebbe zt"l teaches us in Likutei Torah - Just like when a king comes to a city, the entire population comes out to greet him in the field. Everybody can approach him withot an appointment, and his mood is one of happiness and goodwill. Once he enters the city and goes into his palace, only special people can see him, and only with an appointment, and the evironment is much more serious. So too, in Elul, Hashem is in the field, before the Days of Awe when things get serious. Now is the time when everybody - even the peasants and the low-class citizens - can get close to Him, and He greets us all with a warm smile. He's waiting for you to get close to Him, and He will surely reciprocate with love and kindness. What a pity to miss this great opportunity by falling for the YH's lies.

Grab this golden opportunity, my dear chaver. Find yourself a quiet place where you can talk your heart out to your Loving Father. Explain how you want to be good, but need His help to keep at it. Then just try your best and let Him do the rest.

Hatzlacha

MT

My week was very interesting to say the least, unfortunately I don't think that I should post about it since it may cause an identity crisis (a.k.a. anonymity issues, -Tz's lashon).In that spirit, if I told you what happened then please don't post what it is.If anyone is really curious, you can ask me, it isn't private but I just don't need the whole internet to know.

But it is probably a good thing, and I have to go back to yeshiva soon so I hope everyone has a good week and much hatzlacha.

MT:

La'aniyus Da'ati, I respectfully disagree about Hashem being more close to us at certain times than others. (I have the same problem with "this time being an eis ratzon, this time not", etc.) Hashem is there year round, 24/7, and it's only our perceptions that make Him seem closer or more distant.

Avrom--keep it up man! Keep on going! Every post you write literally gives me tons of chizzuk.


I fell last night, and that was after drinking two cups of Caffeinated Pepsi at 8:00 shallosh sheudes and staying up till 12:40am before going to bed--I was still to tired to fall asleep, and my organ was on fire (figuratively of course) as I lay there trying to fall asleep. You know, this isn't like any other addiction--if you don't have cocaine, you can't get high, whereas just by moving or rolling over in the wrong direction you can "get high" as it were on this. But Baruch Hashem, I didn't use imagery, and Hashem helped me make it through 4 challenging days clean, since Tuesday.

I've discovered a few things:

-I have mood swings occasionally. Anyone have good ideas about how to combat those? One day I'll be doing great, then the next day I will have trouble focusing during davening, won't want to learn, will try watching TV, etc.
-I think some issues of mine are humility and self-esteem: that is, I sometimes build myself up unconsciously in order to assure myself that I am perfect while knowing deep-down that I am not. I think I have a faulty idea of self-esteem ingrained in me, in that it isn't okay for me to make mistakes. I have to accept that it is perfectly fine for me to make mistakes.
-With that attitude, it shouldn't be any problem for me to accept that I am an addict / have problems, and not only that, but I need to open up to someone (because I haven't really opened up in real life to anyone explicitly (even though my brother and two friends know that I've been "nichshol" in this area / watched porn in the past)).
-I also need to gain confidence in social interaction, because I have an insecurity or two about my appearance, my shyness while speaking to people, etc.
-I agree that this problem is a symptom of other problems--but I think this issue has also helped create the problems, and thus a big motivation of stopping is that these other problems might go away as a result of stopping.
-I stay inside most of the day without much social interaction, as there aren't many good Jewish kids my age where I live. Hopefully that will change within a few weeks, when I start at a Jewish college.

On a more positive note, I blocked YouTube on my computer, and after deleting a lot of people as friends from my Facebook account (down from 500 to 180), since I never really talked to those people anyway but I just knew them (an interesting experience which created a queasy feeling I couldn't quite put my hand on), I decided to delete my Facebook account. (However, I can always "restore" it by just logging back on, but as of right now, I'm off Facebook.) A big step.

I'm feeling pretty good right now, just because I've been learning well the past few days (even though it was a gigantic adjustment coming home from camp to my house, I think I'm over it.)

I also need to come up with more positive hobbies also. I think I'm be'ezras Hashem going to resume:

-Piano playing
-Maybe learning how to cook
-Playing basketball

(I haven't done any of the above in a while.) I also need to make time for them at college, since I have a feeling I will be learning Torah a lot and academics a lot, so I need to make sure to get outside and stuff.

Oh yeah: one other thing I realized was that I've been subconsciously diagnosing myself with a ton of problems. Like "your parents are divorced", "you've been through this, that, etc.", "this incident happened to you as a little kid,", etc. I think that it is counterproductive to focus on all of the PROBLEMS I've gone through:

-First, if I was to really count it up, the billions of kindnesses Hashem has done for me completely outweigh problems I might have had; and
-Second, when I focus on problems, it almost becomes as if "wait, I'm not supposed to be happy. Quick--stop being happy!" It's kind of like when my mom yelled at me recently, and normally my reaction would be to storm to my room, but Baruch Hashem this time I didn't particularly mind. But I went to my room anyway--why? "Because I'm not SUPPOSED to ignore that". I need to just forget about problems I have and just be thankful all the time.
-The above point is very similar to a realization stated in a chizuk email a few months ago: someone got onto a bus, and realized "hey, there's no CHIYUV for me to lust at random passengers on the bus, look at them, etc." There's no obligation for me to have a yetzer hara in the first place, and I can survive without lust just fine!
-Third--I also focus on the problems of others around me too much (like my parents, my brother, etc.) While I need to feel empathy, it's becoming counterproductive--like I'm sad when they're sad, etc. I doubt the definition of empathy involves actually undergoing the actual sadness they are going through, because it is quite frankly very paralyzing to be empathetic like that.

Sorry for the long post; those were just my thoughts the past few days.

Avrom--I guess I've kind of been thinking "once I overcome my addiction I'll solve problems A, B, C, etc.", and this gets me very into the 90 day count. At the same time, though, while my goal is to be rid of this, the battle is fought one day at a time, and I think all cheshbonos are counterproductive. My cheshbon after getting home from camp was supposed to be "no porn through my start at college, I'll by then have like 60 days (running from camp through college), and pretty soon I'll hit 90 days"! You see how long that cheshbon lasted.

You see, we aren't in control of anything. Just put in my effort for TODAY, one day at a time, and maybe in a month we can look back and say "whoa--where'd those 30 days come from? I've been clean THAT long??"

I've also found that it was good to get away from GYE (no offense to anyone), because GYE stresses a huge focus on the problem, which for me was kind of counterproductive. It's almost like the realization above: there's no chiyuv for me to be unhappy given what I've gone through, to lust for anyone--in fact, there's no chiyuv for me to act as if I have a problem at all! Ignore it, forget about it (but of course with a solid plan of shmiras einayim, and fences), maybe post once a week, and when you need chizuk there is plenty of that, because we are literally all in this together.

Now just time to live and be happy, because R. Nachman was really correct that depression is the root cause of all sin.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read that , I wrote that for my own benefit, but if you took the time to read it maybe you found something helpful.

It seems your heading in the right direction chacha!! KOT

Just three things id like to share with you:

In your megilah you mention


- HOW do you do that?? In my experience the more I try to forget about a problem - it just rebounds with double velocity!! Only when I explain to myself that the problem is not really a problem - and try to see the bigger picture, that every thing is just for the good. Only then the issues become (more) barebl.


two:


This sounds scary - ill leave to the experts - but regarding myself, i realized that if im not constantly busy with the issue - it catches up with me. Leanyius daati - it has not come the time to forget about the problem. HOw many yom kippurs was I ready to forget that I ever was mzl... Now is the time to act. Perhaps after a couple of clean months - when one sees that the plan is working, maybe then start to forget about it? Anyhow as of now I think its important to know that I have a problem. Would love to hear what the oilam thinks of this...??



One last thing:


there IS a concept of hashem being closer. That's why people go to the kosel... Or daven with more kavanah at certain times..
I just want to add that R' Sholom Shwadron says: Many people think that they will leave tshuva to the long winter... Whats the rush to make an effort in elul?? Wrong!! Being that the king is in town and every peasant has the opportunity to see him. If a person over sleeps the kings arrival - and dears to approach the king in his palace - he will be kicked out!! The king will ask "I was in your home villiage - where where you then??" SO if someone misses that opportunity he also looses the year-round possibility to get into the palace by appointment.



If I only brought up these 3 points - you can take from that that I agree to the 1342 things you wrote

Keep up the good work!!

This is a official welcome for Jeshmo!!! I added your name on page one;)

Speaking of page one, zvi - whiee is tha kishka????

What a week!

The last oink meeting really had an impact on me. Having Guard call in was major major chizzuck. It didnt really matter what he said, the mere fact that he made the effort to call in was priceless. Thanks



Ben Durdaya gave some priceless advice as well.
Step 0:
You must internalize: I don't have to
Four innocent sounding words... He explained that many times we feel that "We must act out, we must touch ourselves down there or we must fantasize.." We have to tell ourselves "I don't have to!!" If I want to I can - but its my choice.

The past few days Ive came into general situations where I'd usually say "I have to" One example was, one night when I already showered, got into bed and was saying shma.... "NO!" - I forgot to daven maariv. So I got out of bed, and started davening maariv. It was still relatively early so I thought "I could still get dressed and daven with a minyan.. But I already started daveing marriv: I have to f\finish maariv in the comfort of my pj's and air conditioned room.

But it struck me: Avrom! If You cant apply rules In other parts of life - How do you expect it to work ONLY in regards to acting out!!
How many billions of times did my eyes get "lost" and I told myself. "I anyways fell - I have to masturbate" If yu want to overcome yourself - you gotta start here. You have to work it across the board. If you give in here - you stand no chance of overcoming the yetzer hora from the other stuff...

Seeing the bigger picture, I reluctantly got dressed again, and davend maariv with a minyan. It wasn't the best maariv I ever davend. It was a simple one. But had a deep impact...


Balayla hahoo,
That night - I had a dream with one of my fantasies.. When I woke up - I was at 99.5% already. One touch more would have been enough.
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With the strength I gathered a few hours before I screamed "NO! I DON'T HAVE TO!!!" Beezras Hashem I made it thru the night!!



Good Shabbs

KUTGW!!!

Avrom, great stuff, you're really growing. KUTGW!

About what you wrote in your post before that,




What I do to forget about a problem is just get busy with something else and not think about the problem.I don't try to forget about it (think green elephants) just get busy with something and if I start thinking about it I remind myself that it's not going to be helpful so forget it, start thinking about something else.

What you said about realizing, and telling yourself that it's not really a problem is true.We have to remind ourselves that Hashem has a plan and it's all for our good.But that still doesn't help for the l'maysah that right now it's painful and probably not gonna be fun.For that I just try not to think about it unless it's going to help (99% of the time it won't).I think at one point during the summer I realized I was worrying about the zman and I actually used the blow it up method .

This is also the way I feel about our lust issue, unless it's going to help to think about it, a.k.a. to plan a strategy or to think about doing something, then I try to forget the issue.If I'm walking in the street and see something then I don't try to even think to myself to watch out because it might lead to a fall, I just try to look away and keep thinking something else.

Getting out of isolation:

Usually I post mainly, to help myself. But now I gotta share an insight that just came to my mind on the way back from oink.

Addict or not - we have an major issue. And for once its just because we are frum jews we have yet another major issue to deal with. A nochri - who watches porn - yes, it may be ruining his life. Yes hes doing a bad thing. But that's what he is, its ok for him to be a lowlife.
By us however there is a major issue, because the we display ourselves and where we really are - they are miles apart. If you are a ben torah or learining in kollel, like me - that just makes it much worse.

This double life is a product of our behavior. At the same time however it becomes a major cause. We cant bear this life. Every thing regarding kedusha and yiddishkeit feels fake. But most of all there is no simchas hachayim. How could there - we are only busy "acting" our role.


So what can I do about it?

I can just tell you what Im experiencing with meeting real people, it has an amazing effect! Its like my two half's are coming together. Yes, its a nasty dirty and ugly part of me. But life is so real - I cant explain it so well, but I hope you get the point... If i forgot to mention it - real life tastes really good (Even with the ups and downs)

Hi guys, I'm back! Later than promised, but I'm here... bekitzur, I'm not sure whether to stay on the forum, I'll write the reason on my own thread some point soon (probably on Sunday). Bit anyway, how are you all doing?
And to be yotze: My week's been good b'H- a rough start, a couple of falls, but I didn't get depressed and it's been good b'H.
Have a great shabbos!

Zviiiiiiiiiiii!!!

Welcome back! ??

In any case, Good to have you here.... Don't let it get you down! One day at a time brother..

Hi everyone,

I am sorry I have not posted for a long time. I was in a very bad place. Still am. I am acting like I did before I became a baal teshuva. I don't know what to do.

-some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Keep going Elias, we're all with you!

ZVI, welcome back!

Some guy, how about having a nice long dmc with your rabbi?

My week was interesting, bit of a crazy schedule but keeping afloat.(sorry for the lack of details, identity crisis)

Good shabbos to gye and all yiddin.

WELCOME BACK Tzvi!