Hashem's love for you (and all others trying so hard) is immense. May He help you break free and have menuchas hanefesh.

Soo an update 

to date I have identified that I have a major lapse every 10 -15 days or more 

and the same lapses occur in a round 

alot of it has to do with guit from past behavior 

for a looong time I was convinced I was something really bad 

but my wife actually helped me learn that really I am partly a child 


and children are not blamed 

but at the same time I must grow up 

yesterday I had the privilege of helping a great person and he gave me a blessing 

there are no accidents 

I have been learning mishne Torah by the rambam and I have reached chapter 4 in yesodai hatorah 

on to many more 

my children mostay look to me for all information and guidance 

and their teachers in school 

I have continued to learn acceptance of who and what I am and what I can become 

I haven't been here for a long while but I'm still trying to get better 

the relapses are different

I mostly am having difficulty with interaction between people 

it has been propused I might hav some kind of high functioning autism 

yesterday my father elliot Solomon אליהו משה בן פלורנס passed away 

I am an onen at the moment, I feel bad about burying my father in America rather than Israel, I just dont have that kind of money, in fact I owe that kind of money already 

if I did I would move him here in a heartbeat but I felt that waiting for donations while he remained unburied would be disrespectful to his body 

Boruch dayan emes. May Hashem comfort you and your family. May your father be a meilitz yosher for you and all close to him.

Baruch Dayan Haemes

BD"E

Baruch Dayan Emes

Since my father's passing I have continued to struggle to find meaning in what I do vis a ve 
avodat Hashem 

I often feel like there is no sense .....I am sullied and the greater ones before me failed as well 

I have missed many a day of tefillin 

and recently I got a throat infection 

my wife no longer believes in Hashem's existence and wishes for me to do the same 

I couldn't do that, but I dont believe In me instead 

most of my children are on their way to being non religious 

I am powerless to intercede .....and why should I preach at all, it is hypocritical to say the least 

but I only wish for them to gain that which i lost and threw away 

I wish I could say I made progress somewhat, but I really didn't 

Sorry to hear about your loss. המקום ינחם אתכם.
I once heard pshat of why we say Hashem should be Menachem you, since no one else can be menachem. I can't claim to understand what you are going through.

You mentioned a point which I think is very true. It is not, not believing in Hashem, it is, not believing in yourself.

May Hashem grand you a drop of clarity so that you can go on with your life even with all the sefeikos and doubts. And may you have the strength to withstand these trials and tribulations.

Hatzlocha Rabba

I am sure I am not alone in saying that our thoughts and prayers are with you. May Hashem shine His light on your family.

I have not been here since my father passed away 

Since then my uncle and mother also passed away 

I have become far more understanding of my reasons for struggling in viewing addiction 

At the same time I am still struggling 

Its difficult in these times of difficulty 

Yesterday I was soo nervous about losing money for a job critical element 

So I gave my word no looking at r rated or above 

Instead i watched cartoons 

I hope Hashem helps me make it today 

Welcome back.

Every time I test Him 

Every time I think " what harm could it do?" 

Every time I think it couldn't be worse, or what could possibly go wrong more 

I am shown in real time

Oh man. Totally and completely.
How's your religious standing and the relationship between you and your wife re Hashem?