What about your work? Are you between jobs now, too? And even if u r, why r u at home too much? Is there any way to get out of there and busy with something?
Batoloh maivia lidai shiamum does not just mean batoloh as in
wasting time - but even just not having a job, career, vocation or
avocation - will make you meshugah R"l.
Whatever you are doing - learning a lot, etc - is not enough. There comes a time when every caretaker husband and wife need to come to terms with the fact that they will be poor caretakers, husbands, or wives, if they do not stop and take care of their needs.
And 'your needs' are certainly not
sex. Not by a long-shot. Your needs are things like feeling and knowing true love, feeling and knowing that you are truly loving another (including Hashem), satisfaction in your own mental, spiritual
and physical health, lack of self-centered fears and worries and self-pity, etc.
No matter how morally good you are (and I am
sure you are
more morally good than I and most people am), you will still fall in more ways than just one if you are feeling sorry for yourself at all. Self-pity does not work, but the reverse is true: it is poison, no matter what the motive and trueness of it. Furthermore, it is ultimately cruelty to yourself - and eventually will be cruelty to those around you.
She will eventually discover how much of a burden she is to you physically, emotionally and spiritually...and will even blame herself (as you are) for your aveiros like nighttime zera levatola. Now
that would be a very sad and cruel turn...
The way you have been writing till now is "look at poor me" at every turn, chaver. It is not the derech.
In the program we have a 3rd step. It is all about accepting G-d's Will as the very best He can do for us today, no matter what things look like. And if the issue is how badly we feel about the life and circumstances He is able to give us today, then we pray for him to change us once we come to terms with the fact (in step 4) that whatever bitterness we have, is because of our middos, and is truly our great problem in this life and not the circumstances, at all.
Take it easy, man. Learn how to laugh a bit...your name sounds liek the opposite of who you really are!
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/grin.png)
It's funny - Yitzchak Avinu is called the midah of gevruah in human avodah, midas haDin, and his relationship to Hashem is called 'Pachad' Yitzchak! Yet his name is the strangest of all: "He laughs/will laugh"! Him? Certainly the most serious of the avos?!
The Sfas Emes writes that "
I say that if you were to meet Yitzchak avinu, all you would see was the happiest man on the planet. For he had no fears whatsoever of events, bosor v'dom, himself, the malach hamovess, the yetzer hora - nothing! Only awe of G-d overtook him. So he lived and walked with a lightness, comfort and an ease that no one else has."
That's what step 3 is about. Letting G-d run my life, and giving my life and all it's details into His hands for real. Admitting it is for the best and truly good.
It's not a 'madreigo' - so many thousands of gentile (and frum) alcoholics the world over do it one day at a time - and it works for them one day at a time! Farm boys and inner city whatevers, no issue what religion or religious level you or i are on - we
can all learn this.
It's about
acceptance, rather than
martyrdom.