pischoshelmachat wrote:


I find myself in the exact same situation. Frankly I think it is a good thing. It helps you not get into a deep depression because of your fall. On the other hand I feel less urgency to pick myself up. The important thing is to remember why you are doing this in the first place. You saw the benefits to your life. Use those as your guide to keep going.

KOT my friend! I respect you greatly for an open and honest post.

pischoshelmachat wrote:


You're in good company, Yossi. You are sharing with people who have been there done that again and again for years (decades in my case). But hang in there, brother. Throw your load on Hashem and He will take care of you. Just try your best (avoid "all" triggers) and let Him do the rest.

Hatzlacha

MT

Hi Dear Friends,
I have been struggling to get back on the train since my fall 3 weeks ago. Things were going so well for 51 days and I was excited for reaching Shavuous clean. I am pained that this did not happen and I need help getting back on the train.

first of all
51 days is an amazing achievement and you are going into shavous with that in your bank account.

second now that you did it for so long you can definitely do it for longer next time with all your experience.

third and possibly most important if you don't get on the train monster truck now then it's only going to be harder to do it later. im lo achshav amasei?

you can do it, so get to it

Please daven for me.

Why do you think you are having trouble starting again? What is keeping you from getting going?

pischoshelmachat wrote:


i daven for everyone on gye pretty often, bli neder i'll have you in mind specifically next time.

and like MBJ asked, is there something specific bothering you about this time?

Hi,
I don't know why I cannot snap out of this horrible situation. It is 3 weeks if the YH nagging. Over Yom Tov I will learn shtark and daven and be happy with my family. Hopefully, that will give me some good momentum.
I wrote this to my partner today.
Good Morning.
I just read the chizzuk email and frankly, I am sad. I did not build every day of these past 49 days rather I struggled. I was hoping to greet Shavuous on a high of cleanliness and purity. But this is not what happened. Rather it was a daily struggle of slips and falls and distractions. I feel like I am ushering in the Yom Tov very unprepared. This morning at 6AM there was a knock at the door and we were delighted that my newly married daughter and son in law surprised us by coming for shavuous. My wife said to me, "I will have to cook more today in their honour"
She is able to catch up on preparing for yom tov. I wish there was a way I could catch up today to feel more prepared for Shavuos.
I know my feelings are selfish because as Dov would say, "who do you think you are to deserve that smug arrogant feeling of righteousness where you want it and when you want it"
I will have to come to terms with coming to hashem with my hat in my hands, humbly and hopelessly unprepared and undeserving and just falling before him and begging him to take me into the marriage with the torah although i am severely lacking.
The most unsettling feeling I have is knowing that this is our last struggle before moshiach. I am terrified how embarrassed and broken I will feel when moshiach comes and i will not be eligible to participate because i did not survive this struggle.
I hope that I can finally find a path to freedom from this horrible slavery.
My partner was mechazek me but I will not feel better until I am once again under control.

I forgot the whole vort but i think it goes something like this.

The ramba"m says that a kabbalah al ha'asid has to be so strong that hashem is mayid that you won't ever do it again. so does that mean that every time so far the kabbalah wasn't good? since we were oiver, then do we say that the last kabbalah wasn't a good one?

The answer is that it was a good kabbalah because what hashem is mayid on is not the future rather on how you are at the time of the kabbalah if you would ever be oiver again.

So according to this all you have to do now is get back up and keep on going until mashiach comes and sees that your kabbalah is one that now you're determined never to fall again.

hatzlacha and a gut yomtov.

I am sorry that you feel that your previous clean days were useless. They were just the opposite. What you did was prove to yourself that you can go 51 days clean. You did it once you can do it again. I fell, but unlike last time I started on my 90 day journey, I don't enter this one with a feeling of hopelessness, I feel confidence. Confidence that I can do it, but armed with more tools that I took from my previous success and my previous failure.

Don't worry about Moshiach, matan torah or getting ready from Shavuos. (Of course by the time you are reading this it will be over.) Worry about getting through 1 day. Worry about not letting your fall go to waste by learning from it. Really try to understand why you fell, and why you are staying down. Then find that glimmer of hope, that belief that things really can get better if only you get back to it. Then get through it one day at a time with the knowledge that you have done it before and can do it again.

Good Yom Tov
MBJ

pischoshelmachat wrote:

Do you think building is supposed to be easy??! Building IS a struggle. If you are not struggling, you are certainly not building.

pischoshelmachat wrote:


I really feel for you!

So often, I also set up a "finish line" for myself - 1 week, Level 4, Yom Tov, Mikvah night...

It seems that as I approach the magical day that will make it all worthwhile, I suddenly fell almost unbearable pressure to fall. Perhaps it is the fear of success?

This time, I am trying to go day by day...

inastruggle wrote:

Thank you Inna.

Pischo? Where are you?

Thank you for asking. I, regretfully have been slipping and falling and unable to get back on my feet. I have joined a conference with Duvid Chaim and trying to get back on track. Thank you so much for reaching out to me. You are the first person from the forum to call on me. I feel like my days on the forum were from a glorious period long past. Thank you for making me feel that this glory can be the present.
Today has been a successful day 1. I thank the RBS"O for today and Daven that tomorrow he will give me another clean day.
Please daven for me.