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Hashem, please open up the road for me!!!
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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 92247 Views

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 14 Jun 2013 06:55 #209248

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Keep posting, I really enjoyed your posts.

If i may, the reason no one usually asks anyone to post is because gye is like a family home, and you don't have to ask permission to sit down, take food, or use anything.Here we're all brothers in arms and everyone is welcome to post whatever wise or inspirational (or unwise and uninspirational of course) thoughts that they have.Your posts are remembered and I believe that I speak for everyone when I say that it would be great for us all if you continue posting.

This applies to everyone who might feel this way.

Hatzlacha and KOT we're all here for you whether you post or not.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 17 Jun 2013 00:18 #209460

Thank you INA for the chizzuk. When I post, I don't feel so isolated and that helps keep me strong. I am trying hard to be able to get back on the 90 day chart. B'ezras Hashem, tomorrow will be day number 3. Although I was not perfect, HKB"H has given me the gift of some clean days and I hope to be ready to jump on the train tomorrow. Please continue to daven for me that I should be able to stay strong, one day at a time.
This afternoon i have been working on the spreadsheets for the daily conference I am participating in with Duvid Chaim. I daven that the RBS"O see that I am really trying and see my pischo shel machat so that he can open up the road for me.

I'll just share a nice Vort about parshas Balak. The Oheiv Yisroel, the apter Rov would always say that the whole Torah is oozing with Ahavas Yisroel. A choosid asked him,"Where in Parshas Balak do you see ahavas yisroel? All it talks about is cursing and hurting K'lal Yisroel. The Rebbe answered,"That's easy, the name of the parsha is Ahavavs Yisroel because the roshei Taivos spell V'Ahavta L'reacha Kamocha!"
The choosid said, "but V'ahavta starts with a Vov, and not a Bais. Kamocha is a chaf not a koof"
Answered the Rebbe, "If you nitpick on every little detail, there can be no ahavas yisroel"
Ahavas Yisroel demands that we look away and take a chill pill sometimes.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 17 Jun 2013 00:21 #209461

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Welcome back pischo! Maybe try posting every day for the next week, even if the day's been uneventful. Just to keep you out of isolation.
Life’s a mountain. You just gotta keep climbing…

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 17 Jun 2013 01:25 #209463

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Thanks for the vort.

I do think that one of the best preventive tools is to post often.
If once a day is too much then try once or twice a week.
Also give other chevra here chizzuk if you like, it's appreciated and it really does help you.

have a great summer.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 17 Jun 2013 21:32 #209560

Hello Friends,
I am moving along in Duvid Chaim's phone conference. I want to publicly thank him for giving so much of his time to help all of us. I daven to HKB"H that I will finally be able to be the child he wants me to be.
I am always so intrigued by how different we really are from the person we think or want to be. Progressing through the steps makes me face up to reality. Although we live in Oilam Hadimyon, behaving with and facing the EMES is probably the best preparation for the Oilam HaEmes. May we all be Zoicheh to live in the Oilam Hadimyon until 120 while living a life of EMES!

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 19 Jun 2013 06:54 #209716

Hello my dear friends,
Today I participated in a wonderful phone conference with Duvid Chaim. We are at step 5 where I will be assigned a sponsor to analyze my chart. I am uneasy about this experience of hanging my life out on a billboard to be picked apart by a total stranger. I am grateful to my gye partner who forced me to join. I am hopeful that this process will finally free me to live liberated from the shackles of my yh.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 19 Jun 2013 09:09 #209722

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Remember, we're all in the same boat here on GYE. Whatever you have to share is in most likelihood not all that different from anything anyone else on the site has experienced. Knowing that you are working on this should make you feel really good and will be well worth it.

Hatzlacha!

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 20 Jun 2013 00:31 #209803

People on the boards here are discussing what means they should use when dealing with these temptations.I just wanted to point out a few things that is found in all the holy seforim.

1)We are not to view the battle with the temptations as something as a battle per se(in a negative form)as that is what it seems on the surface,(which is inself is a tool that hashem gave to the koach hatuma to have us think that way in order to overcome that way of thinking and get rewarded for that ) but in its deeper from and at its essence,as a holy and sweet OPPORTUNITY to cleave to hashem(in a positive form). We are not to view the temptation as something evil that we have to overcome but to see the holiness hiding within the temptation which is none other than Hashem himself. We are to WELCOME the temptation the more we view it as a mask of hashem in the form of temptation,yetzer hora,addiction etc. Only sweet and holy things exist in this world as hashem would not do otherwise- and when we think we see otherwise, we dig deeper and find out the above holy yesod with time.It takes time, as this is the whole point in life, to tear the mask away and consequently loving hashem and doing his will more and more in quantity and quality. That is why it says - tov -is yetser tov, (tov) meod- is yetser hora. As that is in essence and inherently the ultimate and greatest good.
2)On the same note, when we know that Hashem knew in advance that there will be "evil" in the world- be it in the form of people being "evil" or in the forms of sin and the like and even so thought it was worth creating the world with all of the seemingly negative stuff- we get to the next point.
When a yid succumbed to temptation- he is to know the following.
The almighty knew about the fall in advance and that still did not make him want to stop with his plan to bring this jew into the world with all his falls. To the contrary- EVERYTHING is going according to plan.(Free will is only prior to the fall)This is the mightiest tool the yetser hora has at his disposal to make the jew think otherwise.
As the seforim explain how that is the only way a person merits to fulfill his mission down here. Only via falls. Sheva Yipol Tzadik- is the only way to become holy as all the Seforim explain. It is not that we have to "overcome" our fall but rather to the contrary- this "fall" was precisely what I needed as part of my lifes work. One of the many ways to understand this is-
3)After a "fall" a person naturally feels dejected.There is nothing sweeter to hashem than a jew who naturally(aka a tool of the yetser hora for us to overcome)does not feel like he is succeeding spiritually and still continues trying to be a good and devoted son to hashem. This beautiful and sweet devotion is by far sweeter to hashem in some ways than that of someone that is on "streak" of holiness and is actually feeling good about his spiritual standing. The mesiras nefesh of the former jew is incomparable to that of the latter one.Only thru a fall does hashem get this special nachas from a yid.There are no words to describe the greatness of such an act over and over and over again. Than can only happen after a "fall". We are not privy as to why hashem in his infinite wisdom chose some pepole to be the of the former and some of the latter type, but that does not concern us at all.
4)after a "fall" - the angels dance in heaven when the yid summons up all of his efforts and tries to the best that he can to regain simcha to being a jew.(as if nothing happened)It is unnatural and is superhuman and it is God that helps the yid in doing that.There is no holier work than this form of selfless and(and at first and superficially,emotionally unrewarding) unnatural serving of our father in heaven.This another reason why hashem made him "fall"- so that he can bring this special incomparable nachas to hashem over and over and over again. This is what will bring Moshiach to an extent more than someone who did not have this work cut out for him.As the big Rebbees used to say - that the entrance to the holy depths of what it means to be a eved hashem is as follows: One who his knife is still dripping with the blood of chas vsholom another jew that he has just killed rachmono litzlan and cannot summon up the energy to daven mincha with a zeal and fire like that of the holiest jew(after doing teshuva)- has not BEGUN to taste the sweetness of our holy Torah.(the yetser hora has at his dispoal(for us to overcome) the tool to confuse the person about the above concepts with the thought that this is somehow contradictory to the mitzva of teshuva etc.and contradictory to what he has learnt all his life about how serious it is to sin and the subsequent punishment etc.
That is all for the person to think before the sin. NOT about the sin he has already committed.
5)The yetser hora has at his disposal in order for us to overcome the other weapon:
after a "fall" the person thinks - I messed up again. The comedy and genius of this thought is that this thought that the person is thinking stems from a holy place in his soul is so plainly a thought from the yetser hora himself( in order for us to overcome)
As there is not SUPPOSED to be a the letter/word I in a yids life. Its all about hashem. If you are thinking that YOU messed up, apparently you think that this journey has something to do with you. aka arrogance.(for us to overtome that thought)This is another reason for the"fall" happening to you- so that you can work on the holy mida of humility.The thought that should accompany you after a "fall" is how you repent for the pain of the shechina when a yid was destined to cause the pain of the shechina.It is a thought that makes us CLOSE to hashem. Its a thought that makes us feel GOOD to be so close to him that we care about his pain kvayochol.This is yet another reason for the "fall"- so that hashem wants to reward you for doing teshuva over and over and over again. The time to do teshuva is a time of simcha. It is the holiest mitzvah to repent and worry about HASHEM and our neshomo with is part and parcel of that.The yetsher hora has us confuse that with doing the exact opposite- thinking how WE "messed up" and feeling bad and sad about OUR shortcomings- when its not about us at all. As the seforim write that ANY thought before, during or after a "fall" that makes us feel bsimcha is holy and if it makes us feel bad- it it the yetser hora camaflouged very skillfully to reward us for overcoming.
All of the above is to be studied repeatedly and slowly to be absorbed into ones self for his entire life as it increase the love to hashem and kamayim ponim el ponim will be reciprocated via loving hashem and wanting to do his will.
The yetser hora fights with all the might that hashem gave him (in order for us to overcome) to have us not realize all of the above, and its our holy lifes work to slowly and with patience and knowing with bitochon that ALL is well right now and will continue being so until we will all see it so plainly and clearly with moshiachs arrival soon iyh.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 20 Jun 2013 07:15 #209832

Dear Friends,
Today Duvid Chaim blew my mind open during the telephone conference. Clearly, he devotes much of his time and even life to this 12 Step Process. Between leading the calls, answering emails, setting up sponsors and speaking one on one with people, I estimate he spends a minimum of 2 hours each day for each conference. He told us that he does this because this keeps him "in compliance" (my words) with the 12SP. He dedicates this time for his own benefit and sobriety.
I am shocked because I can barely make the time to join this conference for the few months of the cycle. To think that I will have to "give up" 2 hours a day forever is unimaginable for me.
Dov socked me with another dose of reality. He asked me how much time I spend working. Sure working is my livelihood but then surely sobriety is just as important so 2 hours is a bargain.
I see that this process is not a prescription of antibiotics that run its course and life goes back to normal. Rather it is a lifelong treatment for a chronic condition that I will depend on for life. I have to view it as a diabetic views insulin. I will always need it to prevent catastrophic failure.
This is a hard pill to swallow but it is all part of the complete reconditioning of my brain as I tear out the decayed foundation of my soul and replace it with bedrock.
May the RBS"O give us and especially Duvid Chaim sobriety one day at a time for the rest of our lives.
Last Edit: 20 Jun 2013 07:16 by pischoshelmachat.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 20 Jun 2013 09:59 #209835

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pischoshelmachat wrote:

I'll just share a nice Vort about parshas Balak. The Oheiv Yisroel, the apter Rov would always say that the whole Torah is oozing with Ahavas Yisroel. A choosid asked him,"Where in Parshas Balak do you see ahavas yisroel? All it talks about is cursing and hurting K'lal Yisroel. The Rebbe answered,"That's easy, the name of the parsha is Ahavavs Yisroel because the roshei Taivos spell V'Ahavta L'reacha Kamocha!"
The choosid said, "but V'ahavta starts with a Vov, and not a Bais. Kamocha is a chaf not a koof"
Answered the Rebbe, "If you nitpick on every little detail, there can be no ahavas yisroel"
Ahavas Yisroel demands that we look away and take a chill pill sometimes.

This is one of the greatest vertlech ive heard... im thinking of waking up my wife to tell it to her
Life is Like a Bicycle: If its easy, you're going downhill
Hashem, If I can't have what I want, then please teach me to want what I have -Unknown (and if u know who it was please inform me)
(1+2)x4=3
There is NOTHING wrong with feeling pain -My Sponsor
I will not act out today, I will tomorrow. Maybe when I get to tomorrow, it will again be 'today'

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 21 Jun 2013 19:04 #209974

Good Morning Dear Friends,
I am preparing for my first clean Shabbos since my getting started on the chart again. Oh how Sweet it feels to be clean. I smile with tears and trepidation because while I am so grateful to HKBH for helping or rather putting me back on track, I know failure so well and am terrified of failure. My YH keeps whispering in my ear, "Go ahead, feel holy for a little while, YOU KNOW that I will soon come get you YOU BIG FAT LOSER" I am afraid that he is 100% correct. I am a big loser, but I am no longer. The ME that HE knows is a big fat loser, but I want to be the new me who has surrendered and is now protected by HKBH.
I still cry from fear that I will fall just like my little son who is still quite wobbly riding his 2 wheeler. I cry to myself because I am genuinely scared knowing how weak I am. Like so many times and years before, when I was so sure that I would never sin again, the YH always wears me down and drags me back in.
I look at my heroes on GYE who are sober for years and wonder, can I even do 1 year, let alone 10 years sober?
The RMBM says Teshuvah is when HKBH can bear witness that you will not fall again. MY question is will I ever be able to bear bear such witness? Right now, the answer is no.
HKBH, Please prove me wrong. Please guard me and protect me from the overwhelming lure and entrapment of my YH. Please help all of us here keep all your mitsvos and do your will because I CAN BEAR WITNESS with 100% CERTAINTY that this is what we all truly want!
A gutten Shabbos!

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 21 Jun 2013 19:08 #209975

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pischoshelmachat wrote:
The RMBM says Teshuvah is when HKBH can bear witness that you will not fall again. MY question is will I ever be able to bear bear such witness? Right now, the answer is no.

Stop asking that question and stay sober TODAY! Let Hashem "worry" about "bearing witness". You worry about living right each day.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 21 Jun 2013 19:22 #209977

I was plagued by such questions since I was a teenager (many decades ago). I even wrote a lengthy lomdishe letter on this topic to the Lubavitcher Rebbe zt"l. I never got a reply and I never figured out the answers. But B"H I now realize that one can forge ahead without understanding the intricacies of how Hashem operates His world. We can leave that to Hashem and let Him decide how and why. All we need is to unload our burden onto Hashem and He'll take care of all our needs. Just do your best and let Hashem do the rest.

(Psst: Chazal tell us that hashem has secret channels where He helps one do Teshuva even when it is not justified. So why not go for it!)

השלך על ה' יהבך והוא יכלכלך

Hatzlacha

MT

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 21 Jun 2013 19:31 #209980

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What has happened in the past is in the past. It can't be changed.
What will happen in the future is not in our control right now either. It's in the future.
The only thing we can control is how we act right now, this moment.

Don't worry and dwell on what we can't control. Live now.

Re: Hashem, please open up the road for me!!! 25 Jun 2013 23:21 #210362

Hello My Dear Friends,
First of all, I am excited to get to work with my sponsor. I know step 5 will be hard but I am hopeful that it will help me break through to my new life as a sober addict.
Right now I am overwhelmed at work so my anxiety is urging me to "escape" a litle into fantasy land. I cannot concentrate on my work because all I want to do now is look at ---- and ----------.
So I decided to write out my thoughts to help me think rational. Fantasy diversions will waste precious time I need to complete my work and will further slow me down.
RBS"O, please see my hishtadlus and protect me from harm. The Y"H and myself are your creations so I am handing both over to you to take care of everything.
Please give me the focus I need at work and the strength I need in life so that my family will have the father and husband that they deserve and that you will have a dedicated Servant.
PLEASE!!!
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