correct sir, I am sorry about that.

and thank you dd for that heads up, I would have missed it

Baruch Hashem!!!

I've been cruising along beautifully BH, and just hit some rapids.

to make it short (i'm in a slight rush)

I played around with the filter yesterday, getting to sites that should be blocked, letting them load and closing them before I could get a "real" look at the content. That itself saddened me a bit.

Then last night, while half asleep, I did something that I am very disgusted by, even though it wasn't really in my control.

and then, to top it all off, I woke up late this morning.

and today I did a tad bit more of that "loading-closing" game.

This morning, my thoughts were driving me to mope in my mistakes and the fact that I woke up late, but I had a very good answer for that

ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!!!!!!

Today does not have to be affected by what I did yesterday!!! I don't need to live today, while hanging on to yesterday!!!

What a relief!!!!

I asked Hashem for help to remember that, and to continue to give me the right mindset.

I also realized that I am very similar to Korach. Korach wanted to serve Hashem by being Kohein Gadol, the biggest avodah!! but Hashem told him, "I don't want that from you"!!!!

I want to be in great moods with no effort, thinking holy thoughts without interruption, looking down without urges to look up, etc.

Hashem is telling me "I don't want that from you"!!!!

OK, Hashem, I'm gonna try doing what YOU want from ME!!!!!

Hi everyone!!!

I'm in a very interesting place, I'm in a fine mood, but last night I again did some silly searches as if they harmless. I quickly (after about 5 or 6 provocative searches, with results) realized that that is not the case, and said half KRISSH and went to bed.

I know that I am a little extra click away from acting out, which actually gives me an idea!!

I'm gonna try staying away from clicking at all today!! That means that I will have to be in touch over the phone more religiously and use my extra time more productively.

(I'm not saying that GYE isn't productive, but there isn't always something to write, and then it goes from there....So if I'm in a good state, that's not such a problem and I go to the next productive thing, but since I am not in the safest mindset, I'm thinking it would be good to take a break)

Cool!! I didn't even know what I was gonna write, certainly didn't have that idea when I started!!

Thanks GYE!!

obviously, since I said that I'm staying off the computer today, I thought of a whole bunch of things that I should post today, clever guy!!! I told him that I'll type them up and post them tomorrow.

first of all, what I shared at OINK. I sent guard an email informing him of a few ways to bypass the filter. he responded that he is aware of the problems but, for one, he can't set the default to block it because it blocks too many other things, and the second isn't possible to keep track of (I still have an idea for that, will email him today about that). then he went on to advertise TaPHSiK.

for some reason I found myself resenting guard, I thought at first it was because of his advertising. Anyway, I went straight to proving my point and searched some of the same stupid stuff that I mentioned earlier. I quickly realized that I was in oblivion, stuck in my head, trying to think my way out, and so I started chatting with some of my good friends on gmail and GYE. When I finished lunch, and playing violin, I called MendelZ to actually talk to someone.

As I was repeating what had transpired, it hit me. I was expecting that guard would tell me either that there was nothing to do, or that they would look into it and fix it. But what he told me was that I could fix it, but I'd need to take action to do so. I'd have to email vcf and ask them to change this particular setting, that together with the fear that they will realize that I'm an addict. No wonder I was upset at him!!

Moral of the story, I need to be aware of when I'm getting locked into my head and reach out. That itself helps me realize what I'm trying to hide from and then I can let go and let Hashem.

That was from yesterday....

and the day went very well, but I didn't keep completely to the "no clicking". First of all, I sent an email to guard, hence blocking the filter to the point where I now know no way of getting past it.....except for buying a new device.

That was it until late afternoon when I downloaded something for no good reason, just to see if it worked.....from there went a few minutes of frantic searching....with minimal results, but it's the effort that counts, not results...and the effort here was quite respectable.

But all in all, it was a good idea, and maybe I'll make some more "click free" days!!

BTW, I remembered this morning that one reason that I might be having a bit of a hard time now is due to withdrawal....today will be a week of no movie watching

KUTGW
focusing on appreciating and being fulfilled with real living can help to fill the 'void' of missing the movie watching and searching for replacements for it.
I know you've mentioned this many times before but this is just what I was thinking of in regards to your post so I am writing it for myself and whomever it may be beneficial for.
personally, I have found that appreciating my children and connecting with them helped to fill this void and was much more satisfying and actually even more exciting than any movie could be (that is besides for working on my relationship with my wife, of course).
KOL(iving) Tuv

Exactly....

And that's exactly why I'm feeling so empty, the exact opposite of appreciating anything.

By the grace of Hashem, I haven't acted out on it at all. I know it's not as serious as it feels, not everything is as bad as I make it, especially myself.

So I chatted with Hashem during Mincha on Shabbos, admitting that I am human and that I can't control my thoughts by myself, that I desire sexually stimulating anything and I need help not to lose myself in it, and asking Hashem to help me. Baruch Hashem, He was there, as He always is!!

Pidaini wrote:


mincha shabbos is the perfect time to be zoche to menuchas sholom vshalva vhashket vavetach menucha shlaima sheata rotzeh ba
and the ikar is:
yakiru veyadu ke maitcha he menuchasam
if we would be zoche to all that we would be doing gantz fein, no?

[quote="kilochalu" post=233944]Pidaini wrote:


kilochalu wrote:


It is only possible to be zoche to "yakiru veyadu ke maitcha he menuchasam" if the reason why you want "menuchas sholom vshalva vhashket vavetach" is because that is the "menucha shlaima sheata rotzeh ba!.
Not because WE would be doing "Gantz Fein" if we had it, but because ATA ROITZEH BA!
רצוננו לעשות רצונך

I think we can realize that everything we have, no matter why we want to have it, is from Hashem.

Working on doing things L'shem Shomayim (for Hashem) is a life long process, and one that needs to be worked on, but realizing that Hashem runs the world is not dependant on that.

or am I missing something?

I am missing more.
where were reasons for wanting anything discussed bichlal.
but if my post was a springboard for discussion of various yesodos whether relevant or not that must be the ratzon Hashem

Pidaini wrote:
I think we can realize that everything we have, no matter why we want to have it, is from Hashem.

Working on doing things L'shem Shomayim (for Hashem) is a life long process, and one that needs to be worked on,but -

realizing that Hashem runs the world is not dependent on that.

or am I missing something?
_________________

Dear Reb Pidaini,
Please pardon my lengthy answer to your short question of "am I missing something?". Unfortunately, it seems that in filling in what you are missing we have here a situation of פרוץ מרובה על העומד.
And as the saying goes "Don't blame me, you asked for it".

[In reference to what KILOCHOLU wrote:
"I am missing more. where were reasons for wanting anything discussed bichlal. but if my post was a springboard for discussion of various yesodos whether relevant or not that must be the ratzon HAshem."

I apologize to any other readers who may not be interested in this discussion, and I welcome you to skip this post and go on to read more relevant words of wisdom from following writers.
Maybe this whole discussion should be moved to the "Bais Medrash" section, although it's relevance to the preceding posts is quite important.]


When we refer to "doing things L'shem Shomayim" - which you used as the understanding of the idea brought out in the words "שאתה רוצה בה" we are really dealing with The sugya of - "תכלית הכל הוא שיתקיים רצונו יתברך.
This is agreeably, as you say, "a life long process".
But you must also understand that when talking about [the seemingly "simple" concept of] "realizing that Hashem runs the world" - which is in the words "מאיתך היא מנוחתם", we cannot separate this from the sugya of - "תכלית כל הבריאה הוא כדי להיטיב לברואים".
This is because, when referring to הקב"ה, the "what" -[Hashem runs the world], and the "why" - [כדי להיטיב לברואים], are one and the same.

Now let us see whether these two ideas are dependent one on the other.

The reconciliation of these 2 yesodos, תכלית כל הבריאה הוא כדי להיטיב לברואים and תכלית הכל הוא שיתקיים רצונו יתברך, which seem somewhat contradictory, is quite deep and complicated.
I discussed it recently with a very chosuve' Rosh Yeshiva, who is both, a tremendous Talmid chochom, and also very big in inyonei machshovoh.
Acording to his explanation, it is all part of the yesod which the נפש החיים discusses concerning the impossibility to relate aמything to the עצמיות of אין סוף ברוך הוא, because לית מחשבה תפיסא ביה כלל, and that we can only work with יסודות וכללים which relate to the השפעותיו והנהגותיו בעולמות.
According to this מהלך, the תכלית הבריאה להיטיב becomes the ultimate manifestation of the תכלית הכל שיתקיים רצונו יתברך.

In the context of what we were discussing here, It is obvious, as you pointed out, that the idea that כי מאיתך היא מנוחתם, which says that there is no true מנוחה which is not "מאיתך", must go along with the understanding that EVERYTHING in the בריאה, is מאיתך. In your words "Hashem runs the world", and in its broader expression - "שהבורא יתברך שמו בורא ומנהיג לכל הברואים והוא לבדו עשה ועושה ויעשה לכל המעשים". And, as said before, this goes directly in unison with תכלית כל הבריאה הוא כדי להיטיב לברואים, which is inseparable from תכלית הכל שיתקיים רצונו יתברך.
In view of the above, I take to task: A.Your statement that "realizing that Hashem runs the world, is not dependent on doing things L'shem Shomayim (for Hashem)", and B. The inference that realizing that Hashem runs the world", is any less "a life long process, and one that needs to be worked on", than "realizing that Hashem runs the world".

That was a bit complicated, and I'm tired.

All I am saying is that a person may very easily find himself truly living and knowing and recognizing that everything that happens is coming from Hashem, but there is a separate issue now of why I do things. Obviously, the truth of the briah is that it is made for Hashem's will to be done, but that doesn't mean that I will do it for that reason, just as the truth is that everything is from Hashem but that doesn't mean that I always see it.

They are inseparable only because they are both true, but if Hashem were to do things for no particular purpose, it would still be that He is running everything.

I also agree that truly recognizing how much is under Hashem's control, down to the slightest movement of the wind is a life long journey. I have just found that I have seen more progress in that area then in the area of my motives. That is probably because there is an order here, and that is that we first have to believe that everything is from Hashem and only then can we really do things for the reason that He wants, but if I'm busy trying to be in control of what happens, then I can't begin to try and do things for Hashem's will...

Woah, this was totally unexpected

Pidaini wrote:

This is definitely not something to read when you're tired. Save it for when your mind is at its best capacity.

Pidaini wrote:


But on the other hand it is made for OUR sake - "להיטיב לנבראים"
That's the סתירה which I was trying to be meyashev.

Pidaini wrote:


That is wrong! The reason why they are inseparable is not only because they both happen to be true, but because הוא ומידותיו וסיבותיו אחת הן, as I explained, the WHAT and the WHY are one and the same by HkB"H. This is part of Yichud Hashem V'achdusoi Yisborach.

Pidaini wrote:


What was? What I wrote, or That you read responded to such a long and complex issue even while you were tired?

How bout some Eminah Pesheetah, guys? Beats chakeerah anytime. As they say, ignorance is bliss. Or as the Holy Besh"t zy"a said, "Ich bin a naar un gleib" (I am a fool and I believe).

Hatzlacha

MT