Sorry, about the delay. I started writing this post a week ago and it just kept getting longer, like 12 paragraphs and counting, until I decided that I needed to really reduce it. So here is the abridged version (which is still much longer than most "long" posts):
Chachaman wrote:
Still, playing with Legos can be fun sometimes
Yes it can be, but only if I'm not using it to escape my life and just to channel some creativity.
gibbor120 wrote:
needtoquit wrote:
What is it that I'm trying to escape? That is the thing which has really been bothering me. I have a really great life in many ways. Sure nothing is perfect but all in all, it's certainly not the type of life that I would want to end (at least not for the last few years
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/cheerful.png)
). And yet there is something which is clearly distasteful enough that I'm trying to escape it.
Did you suffer any trauma as a child? Divorce, harsh criticism, perhaps something more subtle that left you feeling bad about yourself???
My first response was B"H nothing like that. But, then I starting thinking. When I was much younger, like beginning of elementary school, I had a very poor reading skills, especially in Hebrew. It became a viscous cycle of falling behind my classmates because I was a slow reader and not reading and improving those skills because I didn't like it.
I slowly began to enjoy reading English and that skill gradually improved. However, my Hebrew reading just wasn't improving because I didn't enjoy it, in part because I didn't understand what I was reading. I still remember my father sometimes getting frustrated with me because I was misreading words. I had a habit of only looking at the beginning of the word and then just finishing it off my guess.
I almost didn't get accepted into the local Yeshiva, which has a policy to accept every boy, because of my learning skills or lack thereof. However, they accepted me with a word of caution that it may not be the right place for me. I went anyways, probably because I didn't really have a better option. I made my way through the first few years of High School without getting thrown out even though I ditched plenty of
sedarim spending time dreaming, reading books, playing handheld video games, and of course masturbating. In short I was miserable. I hated learning.
Finally, in 11 grade, I got up the guts to leave and try to find a better place for me. I went to a new Yeshiva and stayed there for 12 grade and even a year of
Bais Medrash. The decision to stay for
Bais Medrash was based on a number of things: giving learning one last try, my fear of change, the productive things which I started doing to distract myself from my learning challenges, and of course fear of ruining my chance for a good
shidduch. I then went to a Yeshiva/College program and continued to avoid learning and distract myself with reading, masturbating, and college work.
Finally a few years ago while still in that Yeshiva/College program I started learning
Daf HaYomi and something remarkable happened. I started changing. My learning skills increased dramatically, I can pick up a
Gemara and just start learning on my own. Last summer I started also doing
chazzarah after going to the
shiur. I can get through the
blatt with my
chavrusah in about 25 minutes usually. I even give the
shiur occasionally. All in all I am a very different person.
However, until the last few weeks' posts I don't think I realized how this can completely change how I work on this struggle (and a few of my others ex. TV, Movies, laziness). Since first coming to GYE I denied being an addict, and still do (at least when I wrote this before editing it). I was just never really motivated to try and quit. So with no decision to quit, it isn't really a surprise that I didn't. However, I was never really able to understand why I didn't have the motivation to quit. I have know fairly clearly how wrong what I was doing was, but it just never moved me.
I didn't realize that I couldn't let myself be motivated because I was using it as a way to escape. But that was just the first step. For some reason, when you (gibbor120 for those who lost track of the conversation during the last few paragraphs) asked me the question, the answer just flowed out. So here I am many paragraphs later, realizing and internalizing that I have build up habits/addictions to "escape" the life which I grew out of months or years ago. I am no longer the person who needs to distract himself from the guilt or boredom of not learning, because I can and do learn. My life is fabulous. G-d granted me talents and skills which am utilizing properly to serve him. I don't need to watch movies, TV, or porn because I have nothing better and/or more enjoyable to do. I do have something better and more enjoyable!
I was talking to my Rav recently about my learning and how far I've come and mentioned that I love giving the
shiur. I then I realized, "No, not just giving the shiur. I love learning
Daf HaYomi." I don't know if I've ever said that before but certainly I never internalized it like I did then. And then when writing this, I realized that it's not just
Daf HaYomi either, it's learning in general.
I hope that this perspective which you have helped me gain will help me really escape my problems by not escaping my wonderful life and just living it.
Now that I've finished my (abridged)
megillah,
Hatzlacha to us all!!