At least the packers are playing well (are they?)

I have bad news to share. Don't look if you are easily depressed.

KOT!
Youre an inspiration to all of us!

Sorry to hear that. I can relate. A logical next step would be to avoid such potential triggers. Otherwise, nothing will change if nothing changes. Right?

Hatzlacha

MT

first of all congratulations on stringing together 172 one days. That is amazing and you should be very proud and thankful that you where able to do that.

Now with those 6 months behind you, and all the clarity that stretch brought, why did you ultimately fall, and what will you change to keep yourself from going back to that place?

Good Luck
Eli

Can I just point out that there's no real difference between day 1 and day 173. The only difference is in the mind, a figment of imagination, a fantasy, another tool of the yetzer hora.

Keep on moving forward. Don't look back except to learn from it.

Hatzlacha!

MBJ wrote:

Thanks for the sentiment. One of the main contributing factors is my watching of TV/movies/Youtube. So, how to change that? It's not easy. Is it harder than quitting lusting and masturbation? I'm not sure, but definitely it's definitely hard.

Dr.Watson wrote:

While I believe in one day at a time, to the extent that I understand it, I was originally very insulted. But then I realized that it was just my gayvah talking, telling me how great I am because I made it to 172. And I realized that you said "between day 1 and day 173" not "between 1 day and 173 days." The difference is huge, it means that 173 days are great but not (necessarily) because they were consecutive. It was great because for 172 days I actually had a life not controlled by my lust. I had (some) clarity about life and how to actually live it. I realized just how unmanageable my life had become.

So, Dr. Watson, thanks for the thought. And thank you to everyone else also for their thoughts.

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

I'm sorry that I caused any insult. All I meant was that yesterday doesn't affect today, whether you fell yesterday or you were sober yesterday does not affect today. In either case all we can do is try to live today the right way.

Dr.Watson wrote:

Not a problem. As I said, I realized afterward that it was just my gayvah causing me to misunderstand what you wrote. And you are definitely correct that yesterday's status doesn't help nor hinder today.

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

Hi everyone and future me,

Just a quick update so that I will be able to look back at how I've been doing. Since my last post, I made it to 65 days which ended in January. Then I had the worst 4 months in my recallable history. In that time, I totaled probably less than 15 days sober. Most of the time I wasn't even trying. Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to want to try but it's not going well.

I'm so depressed, that I just don't care if I'm sober or not. I just don't care if I go to minyan, learn, do chessed etc. And as long as that remains the case, there is nothing that I or anyone else can do for me. I haven't been to Shacharis in a week, even missing Shacharis on Shabbos.

Tonight by Ma'ariv I realized that I do recall a time, which feels like ages ago, when I was happy and didn't want to just die. (Don't worry, I'm not suicidal! I just wouldn't have to worry about living if I wasn't alive.) I started reading back through my posts to see what I sounded like back then. Is it worth my trying to attain that feeling again?

I called into Shlomo's night call last week one day, but it didn't really help much. But again it's because I'm not really trying.

I was listening to some of The Shmuz the last 2 weeks. I spoke with Positivity on the phone and he recommended #222- Dealing with Failure. Like always it was great. However, I'm still not sure how to balance the conflicting parts. (Sorry for not being more specific, but I can't really distill a 45 minute Shmuz to fit even into one of my massive posts. But feel free to listen to it here.) Then last week I listened to #176 - Tshuvah Shmuz 5769 - A Diamond with a Flaw. I've heard that one before but it finally began to sink in what he means. He was talking to me. I've let this thing grow into the only part of my life that matters, to the point that because I've been acting out, I've dropped my chavrussas, Shacharis with a minyan, keeping up with Daf Yomi, etc. I've let this be the thing which makes or breaks my life and that is not good. While I can/should spend lots of time working on it, if I fail, I must realize that I can't let it ruin my spirit, which is exactly what I've let it do.

So, now what? I don't know. Last night I sat in Shul after the Seuda and I almost even managed to cry. For years now I've said that I don't have any tears left, but last night I almost proved myself wrong. I asked Hashem, "Where to do I go from here? What do I do?". I didn't hear an answer right away but I hope to listen more closely now and IY"H I will hear one.

One last thought. Friday afternoon I was reading some old threads that I haven't been keeping up on down here in my ditch. I came across a really nice post that I wrote and had completely forgotten about. You can read the whole thing there but here is my favorite part which I think is very relevant to us all:
needtoquit wrote:


Sorry for the out of order rambling but I just wanted to get this out however it flowed so I don't miss the opportunity.

Hatzlacha to us all,
NeedToQuit

WOW!!!

I could've written a large portion of that post, especially about the not knowing, not wanting, yes wanting, maybe wanting, wanting to want, etc. Another thing is the not minding if I die, not suicidal in the least, but "yazkir lo yom hamisa" was actually a comforting thought, not one that brought about shivers (truth is that I feel that way most of the time )

Well, I found out that in order to really want to stop, I first had to stop. Only after I'm clean a week do I finally feel some of my old happy (actually quite new( self showing his face again. I stopped watching porn, as it was boring already and masturbating was getting painful, and started noticing how much I killed my view of women again, since I couldn't go outside without staring. Finally I was able to get back in touch with people, make more fences around me (which I look at as actions of powerlessness), and I am starting to realize that I want to stop.

Take the jump, just for fun.

KOT brother!!!! We're all in this together!!!

and KEEP ON POSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wonder if that should be a prerequisite....stop for seven days and then let's discuss.
I'm not sure, cuz' for some, that alone might be difficult.
On the other hand, like you wrote, it puts one into a better state.

Dachtzich that in the white book it says that you can come to SA if you are sober....not sure the exact context.

Will look it up.

b'hatzlachah

Perhaps not.....and I quote: The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.

As long as one desires to stop.

Day 2, B"H still sober.

So one of the guys I called today to check in with, asked me a very pointed question which I need to answer for myself. "What am I going to different this time?" That is a hard one. I need to really think about it. And now that I write it, I seem to recall having written that before. I guess I can add it to my list of shortcomings. But seriously I need to come up with a real answer.

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit