Hi everyone and future me,
Just a quick update so that I will be able to look back at how I've been doing. Since my last post, I made it to 65 days which ended in January. Then I had the worst 4 months in my recallable history. In that time, I totaled probably less than 15 days sober. Most of the time I wasn't even trying. Right now I'm just trying to figure out how to want to try but it's not going well.
I'm so depressed, that I just don't care if I'm sober or not. I just don't care if I go to minyan, learn, do chessed etc. And as long as that remains the case, there is nothing that I or anyone else can do for me. I haven't been to Shacharis in a week, even missing Shacharis on Shabbos.
Tonight by Ma'ariv I realized that I do recall a time, which feels like ages ago, when I was happy and didn't want to just die. (Don't worry, I'm not suicidal!
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/grin.png)
I just wouldn't have to worry about
living if I wasn't alive.) I started reading back through my posts to see what I sounded like back then. Is it worth my trying to attain that feeling again?
I called into Shlomo's night call last week one day, but it didn't really help much. But again it's because I'm not really trying.
I was listening to some of The Shmuz the last 2 weeks. I spoke with Positivity on the phone and he recommended
#222- Dealing with Failure. Like always it was great. However, I'm still not sure how to balance the conflicting parts. (Sorry for not being more specific, but I can't really distill a 45 minute Shmuz to fit even into one of my massive posts. But feel free to listen to it
here.) Then last week I listened to
#176 - Tshuvah Shmuz 5769 - A Diamond with a Flaw. I've heard that one before but it finally began to sink in what he means. He was talking to me. I've let this thing grow into the only part of my life that matters, to the point that because I've been acting out, I've dropped my chavrussas, Shacharis with a minyan, keeping up with Daf Yomi, etc. I've let this be the thing which makes or breaks my life and that is not good. While I can/should spend lots of time working on it, if I fail, I must realize that I can't let it ruin my spirit, which is exactly what I've let it do.
So, now what? I don't know. Last night I sat in Shul after the Seuda and I almost even managed to cry. For years now I've said that I don't have any tears left, but last night I almost proved myself wrong. I asked Hashem, "Where to do I go from here? What do I do?". I didn't hear an answer right away but I hope to listen more closely now and IY"H I will hear one.
One last thought. Friday afternoon I was reading some old threads that I haven't been keeping up on down here in my ditch. I came across a really nice post that I wrote and had completely forgotten about. You can read the whole thing
there but here is my favorite part which I think is very relevant to us all:
needtoquit wrote:
...
My addiction provided the "perfect answer", "Just lust a little and watch porn and masturbate once and all will be well." We all know that it doesn't help but it sounds so good when we hear it, the first time, the second time, and every time. In the last 2 weeks I had the opportunity
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/sick.png)
to again remind myself why I shouldn't listen to that voice. The reason why is because the word "once" isn't in the addicts dictionary and when it starts it doesn't end well or easily. And since I'm an addict I made a complete mess out of 2 weeks of my precious life.
So, take it from someone on the other side of the fence, "It doesn't pay to fall." No, I didn't mean myself. Why should you believe me, an anonymous poster on the internet? ... Rather, take it from yourself. Go back over your posts just prior and after your previous falls, and remind yourself why you are here and why you need to stay here. I wish I had done that last week.
Would it have helped me? Will it help you? I don't know but we have only ourselves to blame if we don't try. And then after we've tried, we must turn to Hashem and beg him for help like a son begs his father with the full belief that he can help.
Hatzlacha and remember why you're here,
NeedToQuit
Sorry for the out of order rambling but I just wanted to get this out however it flowed so I don't miss the opportunity.
Hatzlacha to us all,
NeedToQuit