That is the attitude. I think to some extent whether you are an addict or not is important. You have a serious problem whether it is technically an addiction or not. For that reason, if the 12 steps are working for you, then do them and don't worry if you are an addict or not. Either way they won't hurt you.

Ultimately, it comes down to finding what you need to do to succeed. Then go do it.
KUTGW
Eli

MBJ wrote:

Thanks Eli.

One reason why I find it particularly important for me to understand if I'm an addict or not is the acceptance of powerlessness. It has been my main struggle to accept the 12-steps since day one. I don't really understand/believe in it. I don't think I'm really powerless from the start. When I first see triggers, I really do have a choice, as is shown by my 125 days clean and 393 cumulative days. Most of those days I had triggers which I just walked away from. Even after starting down the trigger road a ways I can sometimes stop. Yes, I recognize that once I open a true porn site, I can't stop on my own. However, is that really powerlessness. I'm not sure.

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

NTQ what happened on those days that you did fall? If you have the power to stop completely why did you fall?

First off, if you need to I think you could skip the first step. Also as Pidaini said you may not be totally powerless, but you do have times when your problem is out of control and so you fall. And lastly, even if you are not totally powerless, I think we can all agree that we all need the help from Hashem to keep us strong. That in and of itself is a certain amount of powerlessness. We recognize the need to rely on Hashem for help with our problems.

Pidaini wrote:

I fell because I either just didn't care enough to stop myself or just felt I needed the escape. But maybe you're right and I'm just subconsciously coloring in my feelings.

MBJ wrote:

Thanks. You are right. Even with the best intentions we need Hashem to help us carry them out. I just need to remember that outcomes (including if I fall or not?) are all up to Him.

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

B"H 137 days up. Now for today!

I've been attending Dov's call and working on my first step inventory and accepting powerlessness. I think I might have come up with enough fodder to accept that I'm powerless. I realized that I used to do some really stupid and risky stuff when I was in the heat of the moment. Without getting specific I put myself into potentially really compromising positions. I didn't think, "Well what will happen to my precious name (not NeedToQuit ) and reputation if she realizes that I'm staring at her, etc." I was consumed by lust/desire.

While thinking over my life story, I realized that it's not over yet either. Sometimes thinking brought back up pictures which I had suppressed which started me lusting. I had to resort to reminding myself how crazy and uncontrollable I become if I start lusting.

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

144 days up!

I just wanted to share some of a conversation I had on a chat recently. Someone
I

I hope this will help someone, maybe even me sometime down the line. Yes, we need to work on this and make headway but we must focus on today not tomorrow, we must focus on our direction not the distance we have traveled or will travel.

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

151 days sober and B"H I'm sober today.

Yom Tov was hard. Although I would never consider breaking down the wall that is Shmiras Shabbos and Yom Tov and use pornography, that doesn't mean that there aren't triggers.

Firstly, there is the plain old stress brought on by a 3 day Yom Tov, especially when family is home and the house is overfilled with rambunctious nephews. I lost my cool even before we started, on erev Yom Tov. B"H I was able to put it behind me and made it almost until Shabbos Shalosh Seudos before it flared up again.

Add to the stress the fact that Yom Tov is a time when all the women are out and about, all dressed up. Specifically, one of my triggers from long ago was in town and though I tried to avoid her, I did bump into her a few times. The last time I made it to 90 days, prior to my current streak, was last year and it ended shortly after her being in town for Succos.

Needless to say, Yom Tov was not easy! and it's not over yet! I had a number of strong urges over the 3 days including a few memories which were way to vivid for my liking. Yesterday afternoon I had it all planned out, I really needed to read some erotic literature but I needed to wait until after Shabbos. And then I thought, I don't want to interrupt my sobriety because I only need a little bit. (How many times have we heard that one?) So, I thought I'll call someone and ask them if I can read a little, not masturbate and not count it as a fall. I then I woke up, "Am I kidding myself!?!?" B"H by the time Shabbos it was much better.


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Hatzlacha to us all!
NeedToQuit

I wont consider yours a fall if you don't consider my chatting this morning as a fall

in all seriousness, KOT!

youre doing fine with your thought process
doing things to stay away

Onward (152, but we wont worry about that yet...remember your post before your last one)!!!!!

Yom Tov is prooving to be dificult here as well.

KOT, try finding REAL life things to occupy yourself with.

A gutten moed!!

Not a fall.

I personally had to accept the fact that I can't watch any movies or TV shows, ever, period. For some reason even clean movies seem to have been the first step in the wrong direction.

I've had the cleanest streak in my life so far, so it seems that it was the correct decision.

Eli

reallygettingthere wrote:
I suspect and maybe even know deep down that the same applies to me, I can't watch any movies or TV. However, I feel like I'm not ready to take that step yet. (Though, I'm glad to hear more to help me come to that realization and take that step.)

Thanks and Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

165 days up!!!

I feel like I'm in a dream. Every time I say my sobriety date, April 24, I double guess myself, "Is that possible? I must be mistaken, that's over 5 months ago! No, it can't be that long since I masturbated or watched porn!" But it is and as Dov guaranteed, my penis didn't fall off! I haven't been clean for that long in about 10 years!

However, I'm not done yet. I'm still not living life fully. I spent almost 3 hours last night watching TV and YouTube. And this morning (after waking up late for Shacharis), I realized that there is not doubt that some of my choices of what to watch were based on lust, not strong lust but lust non-the-less. I was mostly watching movie trailers on YouTube and when I saw one which has a thumbnail of a nude scene, I was about to click and then I realized I can't or I'll be lost again, I can't afford lust. However, I did watch many low level triggering trailers, ex. all the one's with pretty girls in the thumbnail picture.

Maybe I'm also addicted to watching TV/movies/trailers? I was going to try writing a 1st inventory about it but I haven't, yet!

Hatzlacha,
NeedToQuit

I have been clean simce Motzaei Shabbos Nachamu. I discovered today that I think that one of my favorite Sunday afternoon means of recreation is a potential source of slippage. I watch very little televison except for a baseball or football game. Today, I realized that the commercials and sideline footage can cause me to surf the rest of the channels especially if and when I am home alone. I think that the time has come for me to give up football-especially with the NY Giants on their way to a horrendous season!

The anxiety and depression induced by watching the Giants this year would make anyone fall.

Maybe you better stay away. It is not like you are missing anything but ineptitude.