Dear Chevre,

after some success with SLAA I lost contact with myself and had some falls. After Elul I was not able to get up and only had sobriety for some weeks. Today is day one I want to make a commitment to write a few times a week. This is a continuation of my former posts. The jouney to freedom
As I was very sick "chaim" wad added to my name. As the gemore in R"H says regarding the change of the name and the change of the mazel.


Have a clean day
Chaim

Sholem taire Yidden,

yesterday I had a fall with hz"l but B"H now I am again here and I'll make additional gedorim. I work in a company and I was today alone, I spent to much time in the internet reading kosher news (at least I thought so in the beginnning). Then somehow I read a triggering article and acted out shortly afterwards.

There is some progress that I see. Two years ago I went to my relatives in an eastern European capital. When I came to the Hotel in the evening I saw a lady before the entrance of the hotel and I asked what she wanted as I could not get in and she looked like asking something. Only afterwards did I realize that she was a zoine and she asked whether I was interested. Back then really I was interested even though I did not say this she saw it and began to tell me many details. I felt a burning strong desire to just go with her but then I realized that I would regret this few minutes of aveiro my whole life. In the night aftwerards I had many falls as I felt that I lost a "precious chance".

This experience was one of the reasons why I decided to guard my eyes (I wished my motivation was iras shomaim but really I saw what my happen and I am afraid of it).

A longer time ago on parashas Shmois I had my first shidduch and we met a few times. At the end we decided that we won't meet again. But I was astonished about the shidduch system -- meeting the first two times in the hotel lobby and only afterwards in the coffee shop. It works very good and it helps so much to appreciate what is really important. The first two times I had the chance to concentrate on her personality and her character. And even though at the photo that was shown to me she did not look attractive after the two meetings I discarded the photo as being sheker.

There is a lot to do till I can reconsider going back to "the parshe".
Shovavim: There is a famous minhag brought down in the sefer 'kizzur shl"o' to recite a posuk pertaining to one's name after the end of the shone essre. The reason is so as not to forget one's name after 120 years in this world. Ober woz iz pshat? Well, if you do not remember your name you cannot get into gan eden because you need a valid passport to get in. Or maybe not? I heard that name refers to the spiritual name, the name on high, the essence, the real I, who we really are. This refers especially to struggles in inyonei kedusho. And those who remain loyal to their name -- ashreihem vetov lohem.


Have a clean day.
Chaim

As nobody is writing here I just want to comment that I had a very nice shabbes and everything is OK.

Baruch Hashem keep it up

Eli

Sholem,

I am here -- thank you Nedermen for the pm.

Hi everybody,

yesterday I was faced with a nisayon. First of all I did not sleep well this night. And my davening was not very good, in a rush. It is really unfair, that keveyachol HKB"H has to suffer when I am tired, in a bad mood and so on. Really, I am here losing.
So I had an interview for a new job, that should include less sitting in front of the computer. The Y"H tried to use my nervosity to have small physical let-out and then you'll feel much better, ad kan loshon haY"H. Bechasdei Hashem, this day the GYE chizuk email had a story on chatching oneself when being about to have a fall. I was saved. At the end I got the job.

In the evening I felt a urgent need to talk to HKB"H and to thank him again for the miracle of saving me. I opened tehillim randomly, at kapitel 25 -- chatos neurai lo sizkor. Well, this is the story.

Thank you for all the chizuk I got since I am back here, I appreciate it.

Have a clean day.

Unfortunately I had a fall today. I did not sleep very well and felt I had diarrhea and after the x-th time going to the toilet. I just could not bear the pain and basically stopped fighting and hameivin yovin.
Already beforehand I had all types of hirhurm zinunim and was not successful averting with the hesach hadaas.
Anyways, so today I start again and anew.
What shall I do for the future? When I am tired and sick I am more likely to fall, nothing new for me.

Have a wonderful shabbes.

Shulem, I joined those who left mitzraim. Today is day three - bo bigematria keneged three makes against the y"h.

Seid gebensht.

Divrei Chaim wrote:

May you be zoche to be like them and have 40 years (and more ) clean and successful against the Y"H.

Today is day seven. And erev shabbes shiro. I am in a mood to sing.

Nice, DC. Recovery is great, no? I was just thinking that perhaps the only thing in the world more pleasurable and sweet than porn and all the good stuff - is the happiness and serenity of recovery. I wish I could say that after over 3 months clean I now realize how it's all just a bluff with no real enjoyment and I will never even want to masturbate again - but that would be a big, fat lie, and I like beautifull, skinny girl shaped objects, not big, fat ones (did that make any sense?)

Hi chaimcharlie,

yes you are so right. Serenity is sweet but it takes lots of effort and the sweetness is calm. It is not firy fake sweetness like p* and hz"l, but when I come into the situation of p* and hz"l, r"l I cannot distinguish false and true. Paranthetically I may add that the Seforno explains that since the chet of odom horishon the false tastes (sometimes) sweet and the real (and good) bitter.
B"H I had a very nice shabbes and could realley enjoy the peires.

And I forgot today is day 9.

Hi, how are you?

today is orleyom arba ossor. Yad bigematria -- I should really say over a Rambam here and now

But the Sforno explains that eating from the "tree to know good and evil" really caused that evil tastes sweet and good bitter. Now my note, evil (ra) can be read as Er (the sin of Er, i.e. masturbation).

And it is known to me that Moreinu Dov stated at many places that it is not about an aveiro but about insanity and allergy as stated in the big book. But I utilized this Sforno bederech hadrush.

Today I really felt, that it would be so sweet just to, be mz"l and I had a lot of stress and needed some resort, but then the last days felt so goooooood Even though I was not successful at my work but at the end of the day I felt that HKB"H did not forsake me (as He in fact never does but my distorted thinking makes me believe that I am on my own and therefore I have to solve my problems, immediately...).

And it may sound strange, but I enjoy eating bread more or rather benching afterwards as I can really say besimcho "veal bris'cho shechosamto bivsoreinu".

Apart from this: Thank you Tatte. And thank you GYE chaverim.

And yes I think it will remain always that masturbation feels sweet and promises to bring me closer, to kill any pain but once I start discussing with the Y"H it is like a small victory for him -- the only way is not to come in the situation to wrestle with the menuval (see Tanya).

Recently I had an embarassing realization, but it is true. Would I speak to my friend the way I sometimes daven to HKB"H or would I speak that way to the woman that the Ribboynoy shel oylom has in store for me it would cause major problems unfortunately my relationship with the Ribboynoy shel oylom is not as real as I wished it would be

Dear chaverim,

how are you? I had a nice shabbes though I did not feel so well. But I cannot change it -- as I am again This is davke now when I have to finish my thesis soon.
Now litterally the most important thing in life is not to act out, to stay in recovery. Today is day 16 and I need to remind me that it is the last week of shovavim even though some hold shovavim-tat.

Now, I do not now feel the joy of recovery I just feel the joy of having only a mild feaver and not having to go the hospital as I had to go last year, OK, this too will pass as they say in AA. I spent most of the day sleeping today having much time and not being able to concentrate too well on anything productive usually a dangerous time for me as certain activities do not require much concentration vehameivin yovin.

Even though nobody is replying I will cary on writing and writing and writing (beli neder) ad bias hagoel.

Refua Sheleima and KOMT!