Hodi,


I feel for you, going through divorce is big. It doesn't matter who messed it up - probably both, I guess... Sorry, I have to be honest, but I admire you.

Everyone said it probably already. But is there no way to keep the marriage? I am reading on AA, and one method I found,.... Ok, it might not be for you .... But hey we are just talking here, no harm done, no harm intended.... In this method both, the addict and his wife get treatment in a live group.

Let's make something clear first. I am reading about this, not living it. Though I am trying to follow their method, that includes getting a job, doing exercises every morning, running the marathon, reading a lot and writing a self-analysis report every day. I try and do all that, but I didn't join a live group... Well, this is not about me, I just wanted to be honest with you.

So if you go and ask me, does your method work?

Hm, I keep a little paper in my pocket, it's a special prayer written by me on my character faults, basically it's the 12 steps, just with added stuff. Like "Please Hashem, don't let me give my duties over to other and don't let me cause pain, because of my character faults...."

Well it does work. I go through that prayer many times a day, so it's a day to day thing. Hey every time you fall, you get more serious, more determined never ever wanting to feel that last pain you felt at the fall.

Your situation isn't pretty, but hey, a fall, that hurts. We all fall, it's normal, but it still hurts, we pull are socks together, get up and are up and above, do chessed and pray to Hashem. But still, it is that pain that I don't want to relive again.

Thanks for writing, yehoshua. Are the "Funny Walk" yehoshua? That thread is so long, I wouldn't know where to start.

For a long time I thought the divorce was her fault - but now I see that thinking was part of the problem. I blamed everything on her. Sure, I could admit too my shortcomings and mistakes, but she should have been more tolerant, more understanding - that's how I used to look at it.

Since my last post, I have more clarity and can more simply express my approach. Basically, what I realized is that I've been acting like a child. Not only do I want everything my way, and want others to do it, but I always settled for the minimum and expected my wife to as well. Okay, maybe 'spoiled child' is better than just 'child'. So, basically, what I've realized is that I need to be a man. The challenge is that, honestly, I don't really want to. Before I got married, I was lazy, slovenly, fat, and into escapism (ie porn, etc.). Religion didn't inspire me to be any better than that, because I always convince myself that G-d will forgive this pathetic baal teshuva. However, I do REALLY very much want to be married, preferably to my current wife. But whether it's her or not, a wife will expect more from a husband than I ever expected from myself. If I want to be married, I have to be a man, and I have to quit with the excuses.

There are so many areas where I believe I can do better, from nail-biting to shul-sleeping to my eating habits to job performance and of course shmiras HaBris. Some things may be out of my control, but I know I haven't really put in much effort on many of these things. For some the effort might be discipline, for others it might be surrender, but whatever it is that has to be done, I have to want to do it.

I think my 'approach' is a step in the same direction as your method. I've made a list of areas where I feel I have to step up, and I've reviewed it once or twice a day. I think having it handier and reviewing it more often, in fact davening for help, would be very very good. Thank you for sharing your idea.