I was inspired by Jack's Journey to 90 Days (www.guardureyes.com/GUE/OurStories/Determined1.asp) and thought a diary of sorts might be helpful for me as I begin my own journey.

Quick summary: 40+ years old, married with two children. Actually, separated for over two years now, and it's not looking good. Also, I've lost at least 5 jobs in the last 7 years or so, mostly due either directly or indirectly to my 'illness.' I'm currently unemployed and living in the attic of a shul, praying for relief and better days. Please, HaShem, may this be the first.

Well, better days have not yet arrived. My car was broken into Wednesday night. My wife is pressing for divorce.
On the upside, I feel encouraged and boosted by my involvement with Steve's and DC's twelve step calls, the Big Book, and this site. Just having a place to vent if I needed to is a relief.
Baruch Hashem, I didn't fall yesterday. At the moment I feel like I'm free, but I suspect it's a delusion and a trap. If I make it through today and Shabbos, though, I'll be on the Wall by Sunday, I think.

Well, I've made it onto the Wall of Honor - woo hoo! 4 days and counting. On the one hand, it doesn't seem to be so difficult, on the other hand, it usually isn't. I'm like that alcoholic that's sober for a while, then when someone passes him a drink he takes it without thinking, without even a fight. It's usually not that I can't resist - I simply don't. That's why I really think the 12-steps are for me - a new way of living, so the urge doesn't even come up.

I've noticed that there have been 25 viewings of my post, but only one person has written to me. Maybe this isn't the right forum, but I would certainly like to make some friends and develop some support. So please don't hesitate to be in touch. Thanks, Hodi

Well, I've started thinking about acting out more. Nothing terrible, and I quickly get back to the many things I have to do, but I am concerned that if I don't stay vigilant and atop my program, I will fall in the usual way: without a fight. On the plus side, I'm up to about 6 days I think, so that's 1/15th of the way there. Shucks, in just three days (one at a time) I'll be at 9, which is 10%...

Hi Hodi,

Welcome aboard, you have many friends here, but most of the views are from people who for various reasons do not participate.

Firstly, start making use of the GYE tools and don't overdo the counting, just concentrate on staying clean today.

Much Hazlocha

Hi Hodi,
shalom aleichim, welcome to GYE!
your situation sounds really tough. i feel for you. one suggestion i have for you is to reach out to people who can understand you and who have been in similar situations. when the going gets tough one thing that often does the trick is sharing with like-minded people. you mentioned the 12-Step calls, that sounds like a great idea. i hope you find the right medium for your recovery.
wishing you much hatzlocha
zs

another thing: The garden of Peace by R' Shalom Arush is a great book for any marriage, and he also has a chapter that specifically addresses separation

Thank you, think good and ZemirosShabbos.

think good, tools-wise, I've been on a 12-step call and trying to work the steps. I know there are many more in the Handbook. I've read it once, and will reread it and start using stuff.

zs, how can I "reach out to people who can understand you and who have been in similar situations"? I thought I was doing that here, but it doesn't seem to be a very effective medium for that.

I am a big fan of The Garden of Peace, but most of it's only effective for intneractions - not what I was doing behind her back. I've read the separation part, and I'm trying to implement it, have emunah and improve myself. At this point I don't really blame my wife anymore, and I'm trying to accept Hashem's will - but it seems hopeless and I still fear for my children.

Hodi,
to clarify, i didn't mean to take you to task ch'v, what i meant was this; having friends with whom to speak about whatever urges and challenges we face are a potent means of countering their effect on us.
to gain such friends is a process and it takes time and effort. posting on gye in your thread and other people's threads is a way to 'meet' other people. some people on GYE are ready/willing to talk to anyone on the phone. some are more reticent and wait until they are comfortable with their knowledge of the other party. going to SA meetings is a quicker way of meeting people. of course every person is different and every situation is different.
so i hope you keep working at getting to a better place and i daven that things work out on the home front for you and your family.
have a great shabbos
zs

Well, today makes three weeks. For a while it was pretty easy, but lately I've been feeling stronger and more frequent urges.

Last night was particularly difficult. Baruch HaShem, I dragged myself out of my apartment and to the Beis Medrash, then did a chessed for my wife. When I got back, it was late enough to go to sleep.

I've been getting the Chizuk emails, but I don't seem to think of their contents when I 'need' to. I see a trend that I'm most vulnerable when I'm tired and/or bored, which is typically in the evening. B'eH I'll try to look at the emails and GYE Handbook in the evening.

Well, I've fallen. Can I get up?

I was so excited this past Shabbos as I hit 22.5 days - a full quarter of the 90! In my mind I applied a trick I'd used when I used to run long distances, which I call 'Rov Rov'. I know that once I've reached the halfway mark, I can survive the second half. Since I'm only concerned with only half the distance, when I reach the quarter mark, I feel confident about finishing the first half, which means I should be able to finish the whole thing. As I'm often told - I think too much.

Anyway, on the same Thursday that I hit 3 weeks, my Rov told me we should go ahead with the divorce. My emotions and thoughts were all over the place for the next few days, naturally. I didn't resort to my drug right away, and when I did, it came in a new form.

TRIGGER ALERT!
Below I'm going to describe my fall. If you can be triggered or tempted by other people's experiences, please stop reading.

I decided that since I was being unjustly dismissed from my marriage (sickness talking), I might as well try to find a new lady friend to spend time with. Having no idea how to do this, and seeking some pretty immediate gratification, I turned to online personals. First, I just wanted someone to hang out with, go out with, etc. (or so I told myself). Soon I was moving from 'platonic' to 'relationship' to 'casual encounters', and stopped reading the ad titles and just started looking for pictures. I had some awareness of what I was doing, even realized I was blowing my '90', but somehow I justified and said it didn't count. I thought I would just pretend it didn't happen, and everything would be fine. Yeah, right.

The next morning I woke with new resolve. I was grateful for the chizuk emails that assured me that the struggle, even with a fall, has value. I just needed to get back on track again. I said Modeh Ani with feeling - HaShem believes in me! And I'm grateful for that! In the morning I was full of hope, but there was this huge little problem - I wanted to give up the images and the masturbation, but I didn't want to give up the possibility of meeting the real women.

I'm still struggling with this. There's a voice in my head that insists it will be okay. First of all, nothing will probably come of it. If something does happen, it'll be NSA, and won't last - I'll have some fun, some comfort, and then get back to trying to be clean and get myself healthy for a future marriage. I deserve this! I need this! After all, I'm a man, and it's been years... As long as I stick with the reval people, and stay away from the images, it's okay. So sayeth the one voice.

The other voice asks, 'Why did you stumble?' Because you strayed from what was working. It's not about white-knuckle sobriety, it's about surrender of will to Hashem. Even pursuing mere 'friendships' with women is NOT what Hashem wants from me, and I know it. A few weeks ago I thought I surrendered my will to Hashem. Well, it looks like I've taken it back. I am not going to be healthy until I give it up again.

I can recognize the insanity of what I'm doing, but I haven't stopped it yet. I was going to write, "I can't stop", but I don't know if that's true. Maybe that's just an excuse so I don't have to. Part of me wants to stop. Part of me wants to continue.

I've reached a compromise which I know isn't healthy. I'm not going back to the classifieds, but I'm continuing with the emails with the women I've contacted. I can't just blow them off, can I? Of course, if I cared about my marriage, that's exactly what I would do. Maybe politely, but firmly and irrevocably. So, maybe there's no marriage to save - but what about my relationship with Hashem? What about saving my own life?

Hodi wrote:

Hodi,

Of course you can get up. Of course you can stop. If you couldn't you would be dead. Hashem put you (and all of us) down here for a purpose, to improve ourselves. If it were not possible we wouldn't be here. I'm not saying it is easy. It is like that joke about quitting smoking, it's easy I've done it dozens of times. I speak from (to much) experience falling is awful, but not getting back up and starting again will mean the end of us. We are here to do battle with the Y"H and can't stop every time we hit a speed bump.

Yes, you can just blow them off. If you know it's not healthy and you are sober enough to tell us, then right now while you are still in complete control and the Y"H is not whispering in you ear send them an email that you can't continue. You can be polite and tell them that for the sake of your children you can't get involved right now. That is completely true and another thing to remind yourself to help you overcome this struggle.

Finally, don't forget we are all here for you. Even when we don't have time to post as often as we would like, we are still reading and davening for you and all of us.

Hatzlacha to you and us all!

Thanks for the encouragement.

Hi Hodi, how are you? You did not post for longer time now. I hop everything is OK.

Thanks for checking in, Divrei Chaim.

I've been struggling for a while. Well, not really. My sickness is such that I don't even really struggle. So more honestly, I've been in pretty much free fall for a little while, with only occasional glimpses of what I ought to be aiming towards.

That said, Baruch HaShem, I'm on my third day of physical sobriety.

I recently received a new insight that has led to a new approach and new strategy, sort of. Nothing radical, except to me in my previous blindness. We shall see how it goes.