Just gave in after 57 days....
You would think I would be really upset. I was expecting to feel extreme depression. However, I have a mixture of feelings going on right now. It really feels weird. I just gave up one of the longest streaks of my life. I fell, and fell hard. And I'm not even so annoyed. I'm more upset about my attitude and my lack of sensitivity to the situation than actually falling. Has anyone experienced this?

Sorry to hear about the fall... Sometimes we just have to fall though, to realize we're beat. Once we reach that recognition of powerlessness, we are able to start building upon that foundation, a true connection to Hashem (by virtue of our "needing" Him to help us). Once we truly know that only He can help us and we ask for His help with humility and trust, He really does help!

See also what INH wrote after his fall yesterday. See the last post on this page. Good stuff!

Did you know that today was the FIRST DAY of the rest of your life??  ;D ... Don't look at 90 days. All we have is TODAY. We aren't aiming for 90 as a goal, but just as a step... The goal is getting closer to Hashem. And that we can do today just as much as at day 89!

Have you considered joining Duvid Chaim's phone group to learn the secrets to finding freedom from this?

Have you read the GYE handbooks?

Stick with us. We'll get through this TOGETHER.

to gam zu!
1. hashem is with you and by  and next to you even if you arent hurt he sure is, but the truth is you are hurt you are so hurt taht its numbed out, and its a trick of the old yh to tell you look youre so messed up you can feel anymore.
i dont know if you guys will agree but i find that sometimes when i fall i feel hashems presence suddenly so close and the deepest regrets come over me and sometimes its just as you described gam zu.
A few years ago while learning the megilah before purim i saw an intresting thing it says that when haman went out of the palace and saw mordechai not bowing he went home and told his wife and kids all the power and wealth he had and the possek says "vechol zeh aineni shoveh li" and then he decided to make a tree to hang mordechai. Now we all know taht nowhere in the megilah does hashem name appear explicity there are only remazim one of them are in these words zeh aineni shoveh li if u take the last letters of these words hashems name appears, the question is why exactly here by hamans rhetoric does g-ds name appear? and what i thought is as follows. There is an incredible favour hashem does for all of us when we achieve some gashmius things. This favour he does is he gives us afeeling of vechol zeh aneni shoveh li , what is it worth its all garbage,, every time we give into lust we feel it, its an incredible favour and even in your case gam zu i think inside  you feel this too. but what he does with this feeling is the big diff haman had this feeling and instead of using it to return to gd he found a "solution" hang mordechai and i wont feel bad anymore but we at gye know that what mordechai said to esther holds true "mi yodeiah im leis kezois higat lamalchus" who knows that it was for this time that you arrived in this world. because where you are now only you can proclaim hashem as king! put away your feeling and stand up and say ribonoi shel oilom i feel as if im the lowest of the low im so low i dont even feel bad that im low it seems to me that here in this abyss there is no g-d but i know better i know hashem is right here with me and even in sheol you are the king! yisgadeil veyiskadeish shmei rabah!!

What a beautiful post, Levite! I should save this to send out around Purim time... Can you copy it and save it somewhere and remind me to send it out before Purim?

Gam zu,

So sorry to hear about your fall,
but the beautiful insight it got Levite to share
makes this a gain for Klal Yisrael!

Lets try inspire such wisdom through growth only in the future! :D

there is no doubt  that subconsciously you feel low. the numbness is just a protective  sheild. It's like a denial. Try to imagine to yourself this feeling of annoyance, depression, or whatever, in your mind, keep it alive and remember that its how your going to feel after a fall. than when you feel a fall coming, relive this bad feeling and it might help you not to fall again.

If somebody smokes five cigarettes on shabbat - and he feels really bad about it, and does tshuvah, and resolves to do better - and the next shabbat he smokes four cigarettes - that is tshuvah. Granted, it's low level tshuvah, but it's still tshuvah.

So, if somebody goes 55 days without "falling" in this aveirah, and then does tshvuah, and the next time around lasts for 56 days - that's tshuvah. 

Sure, you still have to do tshuvah for the most recent fall - but you're allowed to feel a small sense of accomplishment as you dust yourself off from the spiritual shmutz and resolve to do better in the future.

Hey guys,

Thanks for all the chizuk. Seriously, thats some amazing stuff that you guys shared with me. I took a little hiatus from the computer just to get past the first 3 days (which have always been my hardest). B"H I'm on day 4 and back on track. I think "withgdshelp" hit it right on the head - the reason I have not felt the usual negative feelings is bec I am truly proud that I made it so long. I feel like I really gained from the experience and although Im no where near where I need to be I believe I am on the right path. The 57 days was something I have never accomplished before and its clear that I have so much work to do, but I am definitely not the same person that I was before the streak. I know exactly where and why i fell, which will iy"H allow me to avoid it in the future. I really feel that I have grown from the experience and am on my way to becoming a better eved HaShem. I hope I am not insulting R' Guard, but I threw the 90-day goal out the window and established my new goal at 58 because once I get there I'll feel even stronger than I do now. For too many years the y"h has got me down after a fall and I got no where; I believe I am now ready to get up after this fall and go somewhere.

Keep davening,
GZ

On day 8 b'chasdei HaShem!
I just wanted to share a nice mashal a friend of mine recently told me: I always struggled to understand why HKB"H made our lives seem so glum and boring while the umos ha'olam seem to be having such an amazing and careless life. They could do whatever they want and give in to any desire that they may have. We can compare this to two fish. One fish might be swimming in the ocean. Going back and forth, blinking and moving its mouth, and seemingly having an extremely boring time. While the second fish is out of the ocean jumping around flapping its tail and seemingly having an awesome time. If you simply look at the two, the one outside the water seems to be the more exciting one. However, if you truly understand what is going on the one outside the water is going nuts because its dying, its struggling to find a way to live. While the "boring one" inside the water might not seem too exciting, but it has life and will live on. The same can be compared to yidden and the umos ha'olam: While they are out having a seemingly "great time" they are the ones without any life. They look as if their desires are constantly fed and have true happiness but we know that is not the case. On the other hand, the yidden have the mayim=torah and b"H have the true life. We are the ones who will live on and have the true purpose.
So during this battle I constantly remind myself: I may want to give in and have a more "exciting time" but the truth is theres no life there. If I give in I will continue to flap and dance around and never be fully satisfied. Only with fighting the y"h can I experience the true life.

Keep Davening,
GZ

Great Moshol!

WOW gam zu!!! amazing moshol. i asked myself this question many times and u just answered it. however i dont think that the goim are dying. they dont think so either. they enjoy every minute of their lives. sure u can say that its corruption but not everything. there are many goim that are totaly ok, and still they can do EVERYTHING they want to. and it sometimes really goes on my nerves that they can do everything and im so  limited  :-\ :-\ :-\

Chaverim choshuvim,

Its been a while since I've last been on. My hiatus was not a pretty one. I sunk deep, did things I never thought I would have done, and maybe I will feel a need to discuss those at another time but now I want to focus on my return. The most amazing thing about yiddishkeit is that you can wake up the next day after sinning and begin your new journey, start a new battle. We dont have purgatory or confession (on a daily basis), we can just roll out of bed and jump into things anew. Its amazing and very uplifting. Everyday I told myself I need something different to avoid getting caught in the mess and I finally realized I was at my strongest with this site and this chevra behind me, so Im back aboard. Hope the train didnt get too far without me and I still have a seat. I plan on using this forum as a source for my personal chizuk and to be able to share it with other. I appreciate all help in this gruesome war. Wishing us all hatzlocha.

best,
GZ

Hi GZ,

Welcome back!! sorry things have been hard for you of late but congrats on your realization that connection to the chevra here is very powerful. I have also been to horrible places but we have a gift of waking up each day anew. Us and more importantly the big GUY upstairs is always waiting for you and misses you terribly.
This struggle is your avodas H-shem and jump into is - he Loves you!!