Boruch hit the nail on the head!

Boruch, now I see you are joining in the Chizuk and spirit of this forum - and not just looking to debate. I think we will all gain a lot from the "new Boruch"  :D

guardureyes wrote on 29 Jan 2009 10:29:


Yes. Not least among us, myself.

Thank you for the chizuk GUE & boruch.

Your insights regarding whether to keep my sedarim or join a recovery group remind me of drasha I once heard from an adom gadol.

The pasuk in Mishley says .... ha'rotze kesef, lo yisba kesef ... someone who loves money will not be satisfied with money.

There is a medrash on this paskuk that states ... who is a rotze kesef (a lover of money) ... this is Moshe Rabeinu ...

The obvious question is, did Moshe Rabeinu love money? ... it does not make sense

This adom gadol goes on to explain that the shoresh (root) of the word kesef (money) is nichsaf (that which is desirable).

Hashem created a mitzius in the world that money is something that people run after and desire.  But money, as well as everything in the world for that matter, is just a mashul to that which is truly desirable and that is Torah.  When the pasuk says that Moshe Rabbeinu was a lover of money, it does not mean to imply that he was materialistic.  It means that he loved that which is truly desirable and could not get enough of it.  It means that he desired Torah and was not satisfied with the Torah that he had.

This pshat in the pasuk reminds me of the story regarding the Villna Goan at the end of his life.  As the Villna Gaon was getting close to passing on, he was found crying inconsolably.  When asked, why are you crying, you will be going on to olem ha'ba soon.  The Gaon replied that he will be leaving this world in which just a bit of learning and a bit of tzedakah can buy a person netzack netzachim (eternal reward).

GUE and boruch, you may be right that it may pay to miss a seder to join a recovery group.

That decision, however, must NOT be taken lightly.

They say that the true measure of a persons commitment to learning is demonstrated not by the hours they spend in bais medrash, but by how they react when they have other obligations (oinesim) and must miss their learning.

Do we feel bad when we miss a seder or cannot learn or do we just brush it off?

A few months ago, missing seder was nothing for me.  I was just looking for excuses.

Now B"H, as a result of a deeper commitment that I have made not necessarily to recovery (I hope that as well) but to my learning, I feel very differently about missing a seder.

Today is day 22

May you stay strong and never need to miss a seder. However, remember CAREFULLY what I and Boruch wrote to you - for the future, if Chas veshalom the need should ever arise again, or even if you start feeling "close" to falling.

May the light of the Torah enter your heart and give you strength. As Chaza"l say: "Hame'or Sheba Machziro Lemutav".

Thank you GUE ... and may I say .... amen .. v'chen l'mar

B"H today is day 23.  I need to be especially cautious heading into the weekend as this has been traditionally the most difficult time for me.  I do need to be on the computer Sat. night for work, so I will need to be careful.

This past Wed. night I was up half the night for work related issues and was just bombed out yesterday.  Fatigue has been a major tipping point for me in the past, but B"H I was able to make it though without incident.

Have a wonderful Shabbos everyone!!!

It's great that you are learning your triggers and know what brought you to fall in the past. This shows you are making great progress. You are also uplifting your past falls and turning them into merits by using them now to know when to be extra careful, and where you need to make stronger fences...

Thank you for the chizuk GUE!!!

One thing that has become readily apparent, even at this relatively early point in time in what I hope will blossom in a long term sustainable recovery, is that you cannot underestimate the yetzer hora.

I found myself thinking about acting out this Shabbos and how geshmak one of my motzei Shabbos sessions would be after 3 1/2 weeks of abstinence (SHEKER V'KOSOV!!!!).

At this point, I began to feel a bit vulnerable, but resolved not to act out no matter what.

After going through some brief thoughts in my head pertaining to breaking my filter, I quickly realized that it would not be too easy.

I needed to be online for work, but any desire to act out dissapated before I needed to get online.

Today is day 24 ...

A Cannon salute to warrior Shomer!

Today is day 25 ...

B"H I made it through another motzei Shabbos.  This time has traditionally been the hardest time for me and I really feel like I have cleared a figurative "hurtle" whenever I make it past Saturday night.

Week 4 (day 28) clearly in sight, but I will be taking only one day at a time, so for now it is trying to make the most out of day 25 that counts.

Hatzlacha to all ...

Today is day 26 ...

I B"H have been feeling strong today and am grateful for having made it through another weekend. 

I realize fully that this is very early in recovery, but hope to get to a point someday where every day is not such a struggle (not sure how long this will take).

In the meantime, gotta continue to k'nock away.

Hatzlacha to all ...

That's what the 90 days is supposed to do 

My dear friends ...

I had a very close call last night and am feeling a bit unnerved today.

While doing a search on Google yesterday at work, I noticed that there were youtube video's included among the results.  This made me call into question whether my Spectorsoft e-blaster application was working, because the application usually blocks youtube video's completely.  I subsequently went to youtube.com to see if the site itself was blocked and low and behold, e-blaster was not blocking the site.

I knew that something was funny, so the first thing I did was go to the directory where my accountability partner had password protected the core application files so that I could not disable the application and to my surprise, he had forgotten to lock them.

B"H my first reaction was to delete the open files immediately.  If I had not done this, I certainly would have fell.

My next move was to call my accountability partner who told me that the software needs to be upgraded and that he had not been receiving notification e-mails of my Internet usage for a week.  This lead me to believe that the e-blaster application may very well be broken, but I could not be sure.

At this point, just the very fact that I may be surfing on an open connection was extremely triggering.  I went to youtube.com, browsed the video highlights briefly (did not watch anything) and then decided that I wanted to see if I could disable the filter completely.

As I could not be sure whether e-blaster was working or not, I was hesitant to surf without disabling it completely.  The problem was that I had already deleted the application files (as stated before, this saved me).

I subsequently downloaded some file retrieval programs and attempted briefly to recover the deleted file.  After a short time attempting to recover the files, I came to my senses and called my accountability partner and told him what I was doing and that I was in trouble.  I skipped seder and went straight to his house to fix the application.

These sorts of incidents have the tendency to make me feel like a failure, but I realize that this is only atzas ha'yetzer.  My accountability partner told me that the rebo shel olem realizes that I have been trying and had rachmanus on me once again.  This machshava made me think about the principle in the 12 steps that I person must realize that they are powerless to overcome addiction without the help of "a higher power".  I realize that it was only Hashem that saved me from slipping last night and that is a humbling feeling indeed.

Today is day 27 b'chasdai Hashem yisborach

When I read this line I laughed out loud. A failure? This is the most inspiring e-mail I read all day!! This is what is called a REAL success. So close to falling, having the ability to fall, and yet catching yourself at the last minute and doing what's right! This is the most beautiful thing in the world in Hashem's eyes. Fortunate are you Shomer!

Everybody, we can see again from this how important it is to have a sponsor...

Well, I am happy to report that I have reached the 4 week mark today (day 28).

I am hoping that things will get easier as I move bezrash Hashem into the second month soon.

These 4 weeks have been somewhat difficult, but the filter/monitor/jnet and my accountability partner have really pulled me through.

Hatzlacho to all ...

Day 29 ...

B"H things are well today.  It is the first day into week number 5, so that is encouraging.  I am optimistically hoping that month number 2 will be easier than month number 1.  My focus will be on achieving a certain level of stability in my addiction where I do not constantly feel like I am on edge.

Wishing everyone on this board and all yiden in general much bracha & hatzlacha!!!