Chart Updated. Welcome to level 3 - Gibor Hakovesh es Yitzro!

Well I am a couple of day into week 3 and feeling pretty good.  I don't anticipate any issues today as the day is short, am at work and am being monitored

The weekends have traditionally been the biggest problems for me, but I do have Jnet now (VPN hole plugged for the time being) and do have the Spectorsoft monitor installed for additional protection.

Rabbi Twersky refers to an alcoholic who is only sober because they do not have alcohol available as a "dry drunk".  I would not be honest with myself if I thought that I was any better than a "dry drunk" right now, but I realize that I made the decision to install Spectorsoft and to get Jnet set up at my house (at the behest of GUE of course).

Plan is to continue to be mechazek in my Torah and to not actively seek ways to break the good thing that I have set up.

Today is day 16.

Have a great shabbos all!

 

You are an inspiration!!!  Keep up the good fight!  Have a great shabbos!

There is no way Moshiach isn't on his way! Just look at all of you amazing Yidden and the way you are clobbering your yetzer Haras! Amazing! Remarkable. YOU are bringing Moshiach closer and closer with each passing (clean) day!
You are an inspiration to me and to all of Klal Yisroel.

Chazak V'Ematz!

Today B"H is day 19 ...

I had a pretty close call this weekend, but I think that I have managed to plug a major hole in my Internet/filter/monitoring strategy.

I had an extra laptop that I had managed to infect with a nasty virus that basically killed the machine.  The virus had wreaked such havoc on the computer, that I was no longer even able to open a web browser or install and fix anti-virus programs.  As I was not able to browse the web with this computer, I did not think about it too much, but realized that I needed to address the issue eventually as I could always re-install windows.  I rationalized this hole in my Internet strategy by the fact that I could not find my extra copy of Windows.  I knew that my extra Windows CD was in a CD folder that I had attempted to find a couple of months earlier, but could not manger to locate.

So this is how things happened ...

After Shabbos, instead of going on the web, I helped my wife clean the whole house.  It was pretty late at this point and I was thinking about going to bed.  As things began winding down, my brother-in-law calls and asks if he could come over some time and look for a particular replacement part for an item.  I told him that he was welcome to use my computer, but told him that if he would give me the part number, I could take a quick look for him.

When I got onto the computer to take a look, a sudden urge overcame me to see if there was any quick way to break my filter.  As I have not looked for ways to break my filter, I was not aware of any loopholes, but thought that there may be something obvious that I had overlooked.  I tried some basic stuff and realized that there was no quick and easy way around the filter (B"H).  I then turned my attention to the laptop.

After searching the house for about 5 minutes, I found the Windows install CD and began re-installing Windows on the infected laptop.

Although I am not proud of this, I was ready to search for porn after the OS would complete installing.

To my tremendous good fortune, there was a hardware conflict relating to the screen resolution on the laptop for that version of Windows and incompatibilities relating to network services.  As I was preparing myself to address these issues, I thought that I had heard my wife downstairs and assumed that she had come back home from a function she had went to.  At this point, I said to myself that it is not worth it as it was late and I could not justify being on the computer so late to her if I were going to look at porn.  I subsequently went downstairs and realized that she had really not yet come home.

Having parted from the computer, albeit for only a minute, I caught myself and realized the frivolity of what I was doing.  I took a shower to calm myself down and then decided to call my accountability partner.  I explained the situation to him and he suggested that he hold the laptop in his house as I ostensibly have no practical use for it.  I talked to him for a while and the next day gave him the computer to hold on to.

I am certainly not happy about coming so close to a slip, but on the other hand am very happy that the night did not end up in disaster.

I B"H have closed another hole in my Internet strategy and am very happy that I did not slip, but am looking to learn from this situation and use it to strengthen my recovery.

My recovery is very fragile right now and I realize that it is only the gidarim that I have set up that are keeping me from slipping. 

I hope that with time, I can build up the strength to overcome these sort of nisyonos, but realize that I am not there yet.

Currently working through week two and am looking forward to three full weeks of sobriety starting this Wed bezras Hashem Yisborach.

Hatzlacha to all ...     

beautiful!! do you see what worked here?? he called his accountability partner! i wont say it works EVERY time, but that's the only way out of this!

Today is day 20 ...

I am bezras Hashem almost at the 3 week mark.  It has been quite some time since I have gone this long without incident, and to be honest, my yetzer hara is NOT happy.

As things stand, the filtering/monitoring/jnet is the only things standing between me and porn.  As grim as it may seem, I realize that this is the reality and must work diligently to get to a point where I will be in a more secure place.

Goal is 90 ...

Great job.I am right at the same point as you.I just think of today not the 90 days.It's HArd not dreaming of a clean life,but i know  we must deal with today's reality.So I SAY AGAIN JUST GET PAST TODAY.

KUTGW. I updated your chart!

Are you joining the phone conferences on Sunday or Tuesday?

We need to find things in life that replace the unhealthy "highs" and give us a feeling of fulfillment and pleasure in a healthy way. Giving to others, growing spiritually, etc... See the Kosher Isle for some ideas. Everyone is different and needs to find what works for him.

G-d be with you!

Hi GUE and thank you for taking the time to post to my journal despite your abbreviated forum schedule.  I can certainly say that I would not be at day 20 if not for you.  May Hashem be meshalam schurcha kiflay kiflayim for what are doing here.

Unfortunately I have not been able to make the Sunday call.  I have an extremely taxing schedule and between grocery shopping, my sedarim and everything else I have going on in my life, I have been unable to make the call.

One big yeshuah that has resulted from the Jnet is that entertainment sites are blocked from my home.  Even though I have a monitor installed and an accountability partner, I am not embarresed not to watch movies/video clips etc.  Aside from the gateway nature of these activities, they were also a waste of time and no good for my neshama.

B"H keeping busy is not a problem for me.  If I can stay off the porn and keep away from movies/video clips I should bezras Hashem be ok. 

I still wish I could make the Sunday call, but my schedule is just too packed up.

Thanks again GUE!

How about the Tuesday call, it's at night when you're home... It's only $10 a session and you get the benefit of a real addiction therapist on the line. I think it's worth a try...

Hi GUE,

I would love to make the Tuesday call but here is my weekday schedule.

Leave work 5:30, go home and spend about 15 min. w/ the family, go to learn until 7:30, come home for supper, go to learn at 8:30 until 9:45.

Baruch Hashem I am filling up that time well.

I do appreciate the advice.  Your Jnet eitza really saved me.

All the best ...

B'Chasday Hashem I have made it to the 3 week mark!

I am feeling pretty strong today, but will not be lured into a false sense of confidence.

My hope is that with Torah, Tefillah and Teshuva that I can turn this into the foundation for a real recovery.

I am not, however, getting carried away yet, as I have been down this road before.

I will be taking one day at a time.

Wow - the force of the warriors on this forum is making a lot of noise in Shamayim!!

As long as you feel strong, keep the same schedule. But if you feel weak in the future or whatever, you may consider REPLACING a learning seder once a week to join the phone conference. I think any Rav would agree, that something that can strengthen your entire Yiddishkeit (the Yesod - foundation) would take priority over the learning seder... As Chaza"l say: Mutav Shyechalelu Shabbos Achas, kidei Sheyekaimu Shabbasos Harbe...

guardureyes wrote on 28 Jan 2009 20:54:


In fact it goes much further. Even though other mitzvos have a din of osek bemitzvo pottur min hamitzvo, that when you are busy with one mitzva you are exempt from another, Talmud Torah is different. When there is a mitzva overes -- a mitzva that has to be performed at a specific time, learning is no excuse to avoid another mitzva since Torah is laasos, to be done and not just learned.

If this is true of mitzvos, it goes without saying that it is true in the obligation to avoid aveiros. So, if you can successfully avoid aveiros without taking the break from learning, then by all means learn. But if you need to stop learning in order to avoid an aveiro, that's not bittul torah at all, it's kiyyum torah.