Dear Shomer (and everyone else):

Thanks for helping me remember 1,2, and 3: I can't, He can, so do whatever it takes to get out of the way and let Him!

Thank you dov for the kind words of encouragement!

boruch told me a beautiful vort from the Kotzker that sums steps 1 - 3 up beautifully.

We read every day in kriyas shema the words v'haya hadevarim ha'eyle al levavecha .... literally "and you shall place these words on your heart".

Why does the pasuk tell us to place these words on our hearts and not b'levavecha ... in our heart.

The answer is that we cannot put Torah in our hearts.

In-order to internalize the truths of Torah we must place the words of Torah on our heart and allow them become absorbed on their own.

Rabosai .... we cannot force the holy words of Torah, nor the knowledge and understanding of Hashem's will into our hearts.  We must learn and reflect and meditate upon them and daven to Hashem that they be allowed to penetrate our hearts.

Steps 1 - 3 are not about book knowledge .... they are about forming a conscious connection with our creator.

This is a gradual process that takes lots of time, patience and perseverance. 

Let us keep knocking .... Hashem will open our hearts and our minds to his will.

Thank you Shomer for the beautiful Vort.

I updated your chart to 56 days, based on this last post of yours. Mazal Tov on reaching level 5 and beating your last record.

You're in a whole different ball-game now with the groups!

Dear all,

I know I have not written in a while, but thought it would be helpful to start posting again as an aid to my own recovery.

I am still a member of SA and am attempting to work the program to the best of my ability.  I have not, however, been able to achieve the enduring sobriety that I am so desperately looking for.  I will continue to work the SA program and am committed to the 12 steps as it seems to me that is the most consistent path to recovery.

I took an hiatus from the forums as I did not want to adversely impact my work in SA by actively participating in 2 programs of recovery.  I now believe, however, that one is not a contradiction to the other.

Today is day 3 for me ...

Wow! Shomer, welcome back.  We are so glad to have you here with us.  Please stick around for a while. We will all benefit. 
Be sure to use the 90 day chart. It is a great motivator and gives others chizuk.  You already have an account.
username:Shomer
password:gye

click here to sign in.

Just wanted to check in and keep myself accountable to the hailega GYE network.

The last slip I had was pretty silly actually.  I had slipped every second Monday (14 days) for the previous 2 times and low and behold last Monday I was set on not making it a chazakah.  For some reason, I made the inexplicable decision to look to see if there was a way around my filter.  I knew logically that was the beginning of the end and did not even want to do it, but I did it anyways.

I was able to hold out from mb'ing and thought that I could technically keep my SA sobriety because "sex with self" is the bottom line definition.  Well, I had stopped looking at P earlier in the day but could not keep from obsessing.  I got unto my computer at about 11 PM and lost my sobriety in about 5 minutes.  I was, however, able to keep the mb to 1 time which is a rarity for me.

I really wanted to go to meetings this week as I feel they are beneficial, but was too embarrassed.

I do realize that some people get the SA program right away and others do not.

I listened to this AA speaker yesterday who was in the program for 17 years before he finally got sober and was very inspired.

I am still deciding whether to go to the motzei Shabbos meeting, although I have a feeling it will be good for me.

Today is day 4.

Thanks for "listening".

Holy Shomer

Chazak Chazak!! i pray for your continued sobriety
Good Shabbos

Love Noorah

Good to hear from you, Shomer. We're like family here, so it's nice that you keep in touch!  :D




Funny you say that, because just this Friday we sent out a chizuk e-mail with a discussion between Battleworn and Dov, and the bottom line was that both "GYE Torah concepts" AND the "12-Steps" can only work when a person is "ready to hear".

Make sure to read the daily chizuk e-mails. I have been quoting Dov very often, and he has been sober in SA for 11.5 years, so he really teaches us all a lot... If you missed any of them, you can see them all on-line at:

www.guardureyes.com/GUE/GUEList/GUEList10.asp
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/GUEList/GUEList11.asp
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/GUEList/GUEList12.asp
etc...

I've been choosing Avatars for people on the forum that have a special place in our heart. I chose a soldier with a thumbs up sign for you, because that's how I see you. The SA groups are your TANK, and you are in full battle gear. And you won't back down till this war is won. Thumbs up! It's all in the ATTITUDE!

I just wanted to take a minute before Rosh Hashana to express the gratitude I have for the GYE network.

I don't think it necessary to go into all the ways the GYE network and especially Morenu Guard has helped me, you guys know how much it has helped all of you first hand.

I do want to say that I have put my money where my mouth is and have made donations to the GYE network in the past and again after yesterdays appeal.

I may not be a wealthy person, but I feel that it was my obligation to give back just a little bit of what has been given so freely to me.

Wishing you all a kasiva v'chasima tova and a gut g'benched yur!!!!

Wow ... it has been quite a bit of time since I have posted last that I do not even know where to begin.

Guess a short update will have to do ....

So, what has been going on with me?

Well I have been attending live SA meetings for about 2 1/2 years and was not even able put together 60 days of sobriety.  About 6 1/2 months ago something changed.  I am not sure what happened, or what I did, but G-d did something for me that I was clearly unable to do for myself.  I am sexually sober now for  the past 195 days.

So why am I writing now?

Well, I feel a lot of gratitude ....

I had a 9th step amends to do that I was pushing off for years.  I was so frightened to face the underlying issue, that even the thought of making the amends made me nervous.  Well a few months ago, I got the courage to write the letter of amends and just last week had the courage to send it.

Today I got a call from the individual who I felt I had harmed and he informed me that he just got the letter just yesterday.  This individual thanked me for sending the letter and was glad to hear that I was doing well.  Get this, he did not even feel like I owed him an apology and began to shower me with brachos.  After the brief conversation, I got off the phone unburdened of over 10 years of guilt and shame. 

Simple, but not easy ... it works (if you work it) 

I hope you have a sponsor.










....couldn't resist.

Hey Dov ... I have a sponsor, but I am not sure you would approve of him

Anyways, one of my biggest character defects is "fear", specifically the fear of economic insecurity. 

Now that I have not been acting out and not resorting to lust and porn, I am faced squarely with the challenge of dealing with my defects. 

I had my second panic attack last night relating to my fear of economic insecurity.  I think incident was triggered by the new month and the thought of having to track all my expanses for Sept. and the fear of the deficit that will result. 

Sometime last night I began to feel very fearful and anxious and drove to night seder but could not bring myself to walk in.  I went home, watched a movie (which is an escape for me) and then attempted to go to sleep.  I did not, however, sleep much because I was so nervous.

I am feeling a bit better this morning, although things are not back to normal.  I will still need to go over Sept. finances with my wife.

Positive takeaway ... I did not lust ...

Life on life's terms however seems challenging for me today ...