I hope you never fall again, but if this "spiritual cancer" (as Rabbi Twerski calls it) ever relapses Chas veshalom, think about if someone had real cancer, would he say that the Chemo treatments don't fit his schedule?

I have found out that Hashem will help when you ask and seek help from him.

GUE ... point taken ... loud and clear

Anon ... thank you so much for being mispalel ... Hashem ymale tfefilascha l'tova

Today is day 44 ...

Just wanted to just down some quick thoughts regarding my struggle as I transition bezras Hashem into the second half of month number 2.  I am happy to report that most of the overwhelming impulsive urges to act out that I had experienced over month number one have yet to surface in the past 3 weeks or so.  I do not mean to imply that I do not struggle on a daily basis.  I certainly do struggle ...

The fight, however, w/ the y"h as I can sense it seems to be assuming a different form.  It almost sounds silly to say this, but I seem to be looking back at my old habits and patterns w/ nostalgia.  I often catch myself thinking about some aspect of P or some fantasy and ask myself is it really better now?

At this point, I have usually been able to fight the urges off by thinking logically about how silly and baseless the claims of the y"h are.  After going through a back and forth regarding the rationalization of these fantasy's, I get to a point where I logically realize the futility of these thoughts and continue w/ my daily activities.  But the y"h usually comes back within a day or two w/ the same rotten schora.

To be quite honest, however, I do not think that I would be able to fight these urges off without my sedarim and commitment to limud ha'Torah.  If I did not drag myself to the bais medrash every day, I would probably drift deeper and deeper into these dangerous thought patterns.  Eventually, I would probably begin testing my sobriety by looking at "questionable" things on the computer that my accountability partner may not catch wind of and even if he did ... so what?

By dragging myself to learn, however, I am able to refresh and reinvigorate my own thought and emotional foundations.  I come away from learning feeling renewed and replenished and that is what gets me through my struggles on a daily basis.

I would imagine that the y"h will assume another guise once I get through this period of preshus from my tavos, but bezras Hashem I hope that my commitment to limud ha'Torah will give me the strength to overcome future obstacles as well.

Thank you all for the support and encouragement!!!

You should all be gebenched ...

Have a good Shabbos

B"H got through the weekend without incident.  I read this recovery story off the main site over the weekend which was very inspiring.  I can relate to much of what this courageous individual went through and found comfort in his strength and perseverance.

Today is day 47

Today is day 48 ...

I got to bed very late last night, but got up in time for the early davening and kept up my regular morning seder.  I am, however, very tired as a result.  I will also need to stay up very late tonight for a work related activity.  Although I don't feel tempted, I realize that the external factors that are conducive to acting out are certainly present.

Will try and be mechazek myself and hope to bezras Hashem hit the 7 week mark tomorrow.

One thing is for sure, without the GUE Network I would never be where I am today (however humble the achievement).

Thank you guard for the tremendous work you have done and continue to do.

Hashem y'male schorcha kiflay kiflayim

7 Weeks - like the yemei Seffira. What comes next? kabbalas Hatorah!
Shomer, you're shaking the heavens!

Well, I am thrilled to say that today is day 49 .... 7 weeks ... seferas ha'omer ... 49 shari tumah ... hachana l'kabolas ha'Torah etc. etc.

I do not be any means mean to minimize this accomplishment.  49 days is probably the longest period that I have been clean in nearly 5 years.  Something happened, today however, that made me realize just how vulnerable I still am to the whims of the y"h.

I had gotten to sleep late most of this week and was very tired yesterday.  On top of that, I was up half the night attending to work related matters.  This morning I woke up early to say kreyas shema b'zmano and then went right back to sleep.  I got up at about 10 or so to daven, but was feeling extremely fatigued.  It is possible to fight the y"h when one has strength, but I felt I had none.

At this point a very sobering reality struck me like a bolt of lightning.  If not for my jnet/filter/monitor, I would be watching P right now.  I wanted to watch P right now and I was upset that I could not.  I had no strength to go seek loopholes to my filter and knew that all my keystrokes would be viewable to my accountability partner and I was upset about it.  How good would it have felt to watch P right now.  I could almost feel the adrenaline rush that would accompany some "alone" time on an open connection.

B"H it was not meant to be and I have recovered some of my strength now.  I could only imagine what a mapala watching P would have been for me.  I am grateful for my jnet/filter/monitor/accountability partner etc.  Although I am extremely humbled by the sobering realities that I had temporarily lost the independent will not to succumb to P, I am grateful for the safeguards that I have in place.

Will I one day get to a point where I don't need them anymore? ... I truly don't know

All said and done, however, I am clean today and have been so for 7 weeks now.  I will try and take solace in this accomplishment even though I feel disappointed in myself for not being about to do it on my "own steam" so to speak.

Hashem should bench all of you with true happiness and gevurah in life.

Thank you again for being there ...

-shomer

You got the y'h very upset with your success,but B"H you won out today.May Hashem give you the koach do win everyday!!!

The disappointment that you felt is the YH talking. Ignore him. Because you had the will which led you to set up the safeguards you have, you should credit yourself with a FULL victory, not a partial one. And yes, it will get easier the more time you put between yourself and the addiction; Jack and I (and be holy) can attest to that. Be happy!!! :D

Day 50 ... doing well, but very frustrated w/ the sheer, utter and inexcusable incompetence of one of the individuals I have the misfortune to have a business dealing together with.  Will try and stay together.

Don't stick your hand in fire when feeling bad.
Will you let this jerk do you even MORE harm?

Know that all hardships are really for the best.
It's really all a test, to make you better than the rest.
So give the pest a rest and do your best.
Keep the zest, like a vest.
You're doing FEST on your quest!

(this is all in jest)

and may I say guard ... you are the BEST!

What do you say to my new signature?  ;D
I think it sums it all up pretty good...

I like the new slogan Guard.  I wrote it down on a piece of paper to keep with me.  Like you said, it really sums it up. 

Love the new signature!!

Chazak V'Ematz!