Update: 75 days clean and ready for shabbos kodesh!
Hodu lahashem ki tov ki l'olam chasdo

Feeling the Joy of a sane life in which I an have an honest relationship with hashem and with myself is the most meaningful, beautiful, spiritual, and motivating thing I have ever experienced.

Thank you hashem!

Shabbat Shalom:)

gevaldig!
www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Music/mus/JackSimcha.mp3

broadlife wrote:


That is so sweet and beautiful. I am happy for you. Keep it up. Don't be afraid of heights.

Good Shabbos

Eli

True, but let's not forget the last posuk in this week's parsha as explained by the rebbe's zy"a!

Thanks 4 the tunes zemiros shabbos! And for the supportive remarks.

Dov, can you fill me on this piece of torah I should keep in mind?

I think he means - Lo Saleh bi madregos... shlo yigale ervascha alv (or smthng like that) meaning don't jump Madregos, b/c then you may just end up reaviling your erva

Keep goin! just 2 weeks an'a bit to hag Purim!

Slipped up pretty badly today...trying to stay focused and recognize my powerlessness.
One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time.

mr. emunah wrote:


Yup - it is from the Noam Elimelech af'n ort. Jumping is not religiosity and not recovery, but just more gayvoh. We all have that problem already, no need to add to it...

Here a 100% honest update:

Up until this past Sunday i had been 'completely' clean/sober for 85 days. Oy I was going to make it to purim...

This was the cleanest I have ever been. Not once over those 85 days did i even have a minute desire to look at bad stuff on the internet etc.
There was one moment around day 50ish when I sat and stared at my google on my computer for a minute about to search for something not really sure what I was doing... and then i just closed my computer and went to get a snack and didn't think about it anymore.

I began to taste 'sanity'. I felt like i was really living and i was exploring a new part of myself that i had never tapped into or had been exposed to before. As a clean and sober man.
Being able to live a life in which I didn't feel like a slave to my desires. This was amazing and it was so precious and such a beautiful gift from hashem...and that was how i viewed it until I got to ~day 65-80. Around 65-80 I started to become more 'arrogant'. Not immediately thanking hashem for everything but thinking about what's good for me and my accomplishments. I had experienced some academic/professional successes and my friends and family were praising me and I started feeding off of it. If it came up in conversation, I took the chance to talk about my recent accomplishments.
Inevitably my sincere gratitude toward hashem for all the gifts I received in life was put on a lower scale.

85 days is over 2000 hours of being clean. Unfortunately after many hours of sanity it took less than an hour of my life to compromise that gift of sanity from hashem.
this past Sunday I looked at p*rn for about 45 minutes.
The search was so exciting/stimulating, but the first moment i saw the immodesty I immediately looked away. I was so shocked as I had cut myself off from that stuff for an extended period of time.
But I kept telling myself I want this, I want this,...and I continued looking. Finally after 45 minutes I pulled myself away from the histaklut and said no way am i being motzi zera levatalah...(which I haven't done for over 7 months...)

I want to point something out for the tzibur. At the moment I started searching, a voice came into my head saying 'pray to hashem to save you - This has worked for you in the past, so do it now'.
I recognized this voice, but was feeling so down, self pitying and in need of 'romance' with myself (after a recent break up with a very good girl), that I said to myself 'I dont want to pray to hashem, I want this fantasy world to escape right now'. It didn't feel 100% lust...it felt 75% lust+25% choice this time, which really scares me...

That experience of walking away with a life-vest from hashem voice in my head lasted less than 3 seconds...but it could've been a miracle. I could have saved myself and continued onto day 86 with hashem's help and lifeline he was throwing me right there...but i consciously (at least i think it was consciously) ignored it.

I dont know what to make of this, but I do know that I never want to throw a life-vest away ever again as it is such an amazing gift from hashem. I was so fortunate...and i threw it away

So i did fall in looking at p*rn. I took a drink...I didnt spill seed. (That doesn't seem to be as much of a nisayon...thank you hashem - can i interpret that as making progress??)

Today is day 3 or something like that...but i'm more focused on a goal toward sanity in my sobriety than days of cleanliness. A goal to feel like im not a slave to my desires. A goal in which i can live as a person who thanks hashem for all the wonderful gifts i have in life, stays away from arrogance, and tries to be a sane sober jew.

Boy can I relate!

don't get down, think of it as a pitcher who is on track for a perfect game while leading 2-0, then he gives up a walk off home run- THIS IS THE TEST! you got to be so strong mentally to keep your focus and win the game (and not fall to pieces) YOU CAN DO IT! every jew who tries to do good is much tougher mentally than any professional athlete BOUNCE BACK - Thank Hashem for making you a Jew who has this avoda, (some old dirty goy doesn't have any compuntions about this stuff)

And much luck in the Shiduch scene!
hoping to hear good news soon!

Sorry haven't updated in a while.

Basically I went through this phase of trying to philosophize too much.
After some hatzlachah in not lusting, in the interest of trying to 'prove' and 'understand' the philosophies around bechira and lust, I came to a point in which I tried to prove to myself that as a non-addict I have complete bechira over lust. Many have posted and distinguished between bechira and ratzon, but in my philosophy path I didn't end up concluding ratzon. I concluded 100% bechira

This had bad consequences for me. My conclusion of 100% bechira resurfaced arrogance and self centerdness. I had a point in which I wanted to lust and i found it extremely difficult to focus on my relationship with hashem. I even recall the thought going across my mind "who cares, i want this right now and I get to make my bechirot". As a result I locked myself away for a few hours and tried to search for bad stuff. I have a strong filter, but some stuff filtered through (no filter works 100%). It was the hardest histaklut fall I've had in a while, because I was taken away from reality to fantasy land for 3+ hours...it was horrible. I hated every moment of it...but i felt so distant from hashem because I convinced myself that I can bechira myself out of anything.

Anyways, I am taking actions and working hard to return to the humbler approach. And its a much more simple approach (less philosophy).
I have a ratzon to not look at porn/masturbate and keep my thoughts clean and avert my eyes from gazing at women. But I CANNOT dream of succeeding without constantly thinking as hashem as my constant savior giving me heavenly assistance every step of the way, and remembering that I am powerless without him.

Baruch hashem I am a couple weeks clean of histaklut, and 8 months clean of spilling seed.

Not to get too ahead of myself...but I wanted to point out a personal resolution and welcome all feedback and advice/reflection on this.
It seems that this is not an uncommon issue, but I have a few TV shows I enjoy catching up online. Some of these shows are not innocent and have bad scenes here and there. I have read about others on the forum who struggle wasting a lot of time on TV shows and it being a gateway to worse things.

I have made a personal resolution to completely cut off all of this. No more time sitting on my computer catching up on seasons. I'd rather see the world, read, learn torah, spend time with my friends/family, play sports/exercise, etc. This is a goal. I know that it will be hard to keep to, but I am going to work very hard to make it happen.

I want a real life. And i dont want to take any more chances with my lusting. Character Z in TV show Y, as exciting and dramatic as they are, and as enjoyable as it is to escape reality into the fantasy and suspense of an exciting TV show...it's not worth the other troubles has the chance of raising in my life. This is a personal resolution. I'm not trying to be righteous in this decision, I'm trying to set up some personal gedarim so I can stop lusting and start living and not take chances and cut corners. With some serious heavenly assistance, maybe i've got a shot at living without lust. Baru

Wishing everyone an upcoming chag kasher v'sameach

The best of luck/hatzlacha, especially on the TV shows,very brave to go cold turkey.
I too like watching movies, but as we know even clean ones are not so clean. I've not been brave enough to make a neder never to watch, I have watched loads less since being on GYE/90 days. I know when the next in the series comes out... I've got rid of some of my DVD,s that I know have bad scenes, but not all.
I've kind of kept myself busy, coming on here when I want to see a bit of moving image. I tell the Y.H maybe later, maybe later, push him off kind of.
Hatzlacha to everyone, may we all experince true חירות.

Hi broadlife,

It sounds like you have come to some important realizations, especially about philosophising and humility.

I'm going to be blunt. GET RID OF THE TV. Nothing good comes from it. Nothing.

I wish you hatzlacha on your journey.

Dear Broadlife,

Your resolution is beautiful, and it was so helpful for me to read your openly discribing what challenges you are going through. I am here to try and share some observations that might help you get what you say you really want.

You wrote that a problem you have is philosophizing and that you discovered your enemies are also arrogance and self-centerdness. I relate very much!

Then you wrote that you will continue your personal battle, and made some great resolutions. I agree: TV is too much to really handle. The women are too pretty, too fake and too lustful - and the values are a perfected distraction from humble, imperfect spiritual growth (in other words, from real life).

But there is a tool you may not be using that is like a huge bowling ball that knocks down many pins in your way: sharing the facts about your actions and life openly with other real people on a continuous basis. The Rebbe R' Meilech wrote it in his Tzet'l Kotton, (#13) - and we was not talking about communicating by letter, email, or even by phone....he meant in person. For that's the only real Reality. Don't get me wrong - posting on this forum is a huge, huge step forward for so many! But to me, you seem ready for more now - and growing in disclosure and friendship is precisely what I believe the forum is for.

Let's face it: using a fake name (usernames) does far more than protect our 'identity' - it protects our precious egos. The computers we hide our faces behind does that, too. And if not for these buffers, few would come forward at all. But we don't really hide just because of our safety - we hide to preserve our precious secrecy. It's ego-safety more than actual personal safety. If nobody (here) really knows you, then posting is still enabling the 'selective communication game'.

We do not make real progress in letting go of our arrogance by preserving our 'respectability' at all costs.

So if you have not already made real, live friends with other recovering (or repenting/struggling, whatever u want to call it) people - you might be in for a treat! Consider starting with phone calls with other guys on the forum you relate to who are doing well...and move forward, growing into breakfast meetings over a bagel, walks, etc. If you are able to do it, you will not regret making this great move forward, broadlife.

Hatzlocha!

- Dov