How can I feel like, literally, the luckiest guy in the world, who had been showered untold gifts by Hashem and also feel needy and longing at the same time? Why the  disconnect of being so content and yet wanting to act out?

I have been engaging in very dangerous thoughts, potentially triggering internet searches and ill advised actions the last week. I have done this dance enough times to know where it ends if I don't change something.

The question is what? (I am not looking for answers per se, I probably won't listen to them anyway.) What do I need to do to make me feel in my kishkes what my head is telling me. Because the longing is in my kishkes and the contented feeling in my head.

I love my wife. I don't want to hurt her, but I still lust after her very strongly, but she might as well be on the other side of the world. I also don't want to go there. I don't want to be that person any more. I hate that person. I hate who he is and what he stands for. But something in me just can't let him go.

Welcome back
Maybe give us a brief update about yourself for those of us that were not here before and are to lazy to read thru your thread (like me)

Thanks

Hi Dilbert! (or is it Dogbert?)

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 10 Aug 2017 18:29:

About me?
ok. Struggling with masturbation for over 20 years. Been on GYE for almost 6 years. Had some huge success in that time. Had some huge failures in that time. I probably am not an addict. I am also probably an addict.

A shame to skip my thread, has some real gems in there. At least they seemed that way at the time. Probably a bunch of crap.

The Big Book (pg 44) gives 2 clear criterias for someone to be defined hopeless/alcoholic.
We hope we have made clear the distinction between  the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic.
If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely,
or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take,
you are probably alcoholic.
If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.
What does your experience tell you; 
can you stop lusting entirely(i.e. for good, permentaly, not just for a stretch)?
can you control how much you lust (watch open for 10min a day and hen switch the computer) or will you say "just 2 more min" and then "just another 2 min" etc?
if both of the above are not possible, perhaps you are suffering from an illness that only a spiritual experience can conquer (I.e. all human techniques, resolutions and restrictions don't work).
but, if you have the choice and can control, then you're not powerless - instead, just your choice and control to regulate it.
G-D bless and have a great day!

Hi Eli!