ploni.almoni@gmx.com wrote:


I'm really sorry, but where did you see that in MBJ's post?

It seems that he is very content on living the life that Hashem gives no matter what that be. There is nothing wrong with being happy when we have a lolipop as long as we are not living our lives in order to get it, and we do not explode when we don't get it.

ploni.almoni@gmx.com wrote:


This is only true if the woman thinks that it is a veiled request for her to be used as a lust object.

He asked her to go to the mikveh.

I think we are arguing about happy in the sense of "at peace" and happy in the sense of somebody loves me. I think MJB said that the validation he gets in other things pales in comparison to what he could get from his wife.

I think what I am writing is a little obscure, I am sorry I am not doing a better job expressing myself.

ploni.almoni@gmx.com wrote:


Uh, yeah man. no entiendo

If she thinks that he is asking her to go to the mikvah because he wants to have sex then yes, It will turn her off.

I can imagine though that a woman who has not experienced affection from a male before, might be turned off by a male asking for affection, thinking that he has an agenda, which is why she is assuming the worst when he asks her to go to the mikvah.

If I play hard to get I will simply not be gotten. Besides, I have to be the best husband for her regardless.

The whole point of this exercise is as Pidaini just said. Will I be happier if I get what I desire? Probably. Will it keep me from being happy if I don't get it? No! That is the point.

I asked her to go to mikvah so we can function as a normal couple, not so that I can use her as a sex object. I knew that was not on the menu.

What is happiness besides being at peace? Different things can bring about that peace. Love, friendship, laughter, satisfaction. I am choosing satisfaction. In that satisfaction I feel the love and the friendship. I have said it many times, it is about bending myself to His will and being happy with it, as opposed to trying to bend Him to my will. (Hint: You can't succeed in doing that)

Eli, that post about acceptance was moiredig!
thank you very much for sharing

It's so sweet when ppl here just use their real first names to eachother, even if their usernames r different. I think it is the most important thing going on here at GYE. Far more important than any good information being shared or 'chizzuk' being given.

Far more.

Boruch Hashem for you guys!

There is something that I don't understand. I don't understand how I was able to stop the first time. I was reading over my thread again to see if I could get any insights and I really don't remember. When I started on GYE forum I was already clean for over a month.

I want to give people chizzuk and encourage them when they are first starting out. I want to try to give them practical advice, but I have none. I know now after being sober (mostly) for a year how to look for pitfalls and avoid them. I am able to monitor my moods and thoughts and keep them in the right place. I am able to do the things I need to do to stay sober. Now that I know how beautiful sobriety is, and how wonderful real life is when you let it in, I don't want to let myself go back to that place.

But I did not have these thoughts when I first started. I didn't know about sobriety because I had been lust drunk for 20 years. I didn't know about real life, I was too busy being resentful for what I was "missing". So I still don't know how I got going.

The only conclusion that I can come up with was Hashem. I was fed up with my falling and my lack of will power. I was fed up by the state of my marriage. I was fed up that no matter how many times I said that this was the last time, I was back at it a few days later. So I asked Hashem to please help me stop, because obviously I was unable to stop on my own. And son-of-a-gun I stopped. I have no filters. No accountability software. I didn't stop watching movies, although they hold less interest for me now. The only thing I did different was I became so fed up with my situation that I really wanted to change, and I asked Hashem to help me.

So I still don't know what to say to newcomers who want help. The only thing I can say is good luck and inform them of the unfortunate reality that if they don't really want to change nothing they do will help. But I am not sure that is what they need to hear now, so I mostly stay quiet.

I know there are some of you who are always on the front lines, always trying to bring people in. How do you do it?

I can't speak for the people who are always bringing people in, but I think the answer is that a lot of the time people, even when they post on this web site, don't really want to stop, they just want to stop feeling guilty. I think one way that a forum or support group helps is that you can see that people who have stopped are happy. If you are on your own then usually it's a zechus. Once you are doing the wrong thing you need a zechus to be allowed to turn it around.

ploni.almoni@gmx.com wrote:


Are you Nederman back to life?

What's that?

Never mind. He is someone who used to post here. You remind me of him that is all.

So here is to third times the charm. Today I finished my 3rd trip up the 90 day chart. With the help of Hashem (and of course all of you) may this be the last time I have to climb up the 90 day chart.

One day at a time.

Eli

Amen!
B'hatzlachah onward!

WOOHOOOOOO!!!!

May you be zocheh to many many many multiples of 90 days, of being clean today!!!

KUTGW!!!!

You're an inspiration to all of us!!!