Unfortunately, we are all so very strongly encouraged by the 'party line' to play ben-Torah as soon as we begin to play Derech Eretz well enough. The yeshivos and rabbonim do it - and they should! For that's OK for normals. Being a pretend-mentch is definitely good enough for regular Jews (the overwhelming majority). What - are we supposed to only allow tocho-kebaro people into the Beis Midrash like Rabban Gamliel? But when we addicts try to do that, it is a catastrophe. We recover by getting a gift of some real haracter, some real integrity, some real emunah, and some real loving. Otherwise, as long as we don't really have any of that we can be totally frum to all appearances (even our own) and our drug of choice runs the show. I know this, because in my addiction I am incredibly pathetic.
So for those who are digging their way out, I pray we do not see some relief from sex with ourselves and porn use...and then run to fantasy religiosity right away. For it will not be real yet. If I learned anything from recovery as a frum Jew, it is that the yiddishkeit I practiced as a flaming hypocritical lying and hiding addict cannot possibly be the exact same yiddishkeit I practice in recovery. It just can't.
If it is - if the Teshuvah feels the same, the davening feels the same, and the ben odom lachaveiro feels the same...then my sick motivations are also the same. It cannot work. And my very yiddishkeit will draw me inexorably back into porn, resentment, pride, masturbation, and all the old garbage, eventually. It collapses under it's own weight.
Was that too cynical for public consumption?
