Ok so one of my goals was to focus on the positives and my success (as apposed to some of my former Private journals I tended to write only when I fell and they just encouraged depressed behavior and did not particularly provide chizuk) and B'H I have been clean since I started posting here but I have been slacking on the posting. I finally signed up for the Wall of Honor and hope to post more often even with quick updates.

So here is to the positive posting its been 23 days
lots of attention to shmiras einayim (not attention of einayim l'znus) and its funny because at first I was getting these big head aches that I don't normally get, maybe from the energy used to restrain my self but the past few days have been easier, than today I was being a little lazy with what I was looking at and the head ache is back.

well thanks for all the chizuk (i have been reading a lot of posts but its been hard to respond) maybe it is a bit selfish of me to take and not give back but I have been staying off the computer and reading the posts on my phone which is a pain to type on, that in addition to the forum contently disconnecting (maybe I should get a 90 day sponsor so GYE can have more money to upgrade servers, or I should also sponsor someone else to double that)

its back to the battle for me
SOH

Alei v'hatzlach!
Mottel

SoldierOfHashem wrote:


I'd like to throw out a different perspective to the selfish notion. Sure its great to give others chizzuk but ask yourself this when I act out, am I effecting only myself or do I effect the world. The seforim are clear that my seemingly isolated and private act actually has major consequences to the world around us. The converse is also true. If I refrain from looking at things that I shouldnt or from touching where I shouldn't I don't only benefit myself but the world around me. So keep up the good work you're benefiting us all. Much hatzlacha.

U-A-J thank you for that perspective, I have actually often used that thought in the past to help pull me out of the many deep ruts I fell in.

A little update, I know I havn't been checking in too much but B'H this is because I have been keeping myself busy and staying out of trouble. 30 Days!! yay!!

I actually have a lot that I have been wanting to say but now is not the time as it is late and I must get to sleep before I loose myself, but I have been meening to re-introduce myself on my orrigianl thread as I feel I have been vauge and I need to open up and talk things out more.

And here is my current dose of focusing on my positive accomplishments:
-30 days as I have already mentioned
-I am still working hard on that good old fasioned shmiras aynaim (and alexeliezer, I want you to know that I think of you and here you on my shoulder whenever I get tempted to take another look, your additude has been very insperational to me)
-I am working on my relationship with my wife, focusing on doing things for her (the way she likes things done, as aposed to the way I think makes more sense)
-when I get home I put my cell phone down unless I am making a phone call, this is allowing me to give my children proper attention (how liberating :D)
-and trying to open up a little more to hashem, spasificly trying to feel a direct master servent relationship, I am doing this when davening and saying brochos having this in mind when saying Boroch atoh Hashem that he is the hashem who is like my direct master as well as the Melech haolam
-I am still reading some of the chizuk emails and trying to read some of the hand book, but I do read slow.

summery, I have been trying to go slow but through and internalize what I am feeling
the past 30 days felt like a quater of a year, but still one day at a time!

thank you everyone for the chizuk weather it was direct comment to me or comments I read elsewhere, Hatzlacha to all and of course as they say KOT!!!!

SOH

I was seriously slipping with my shmiras ayniam today my eyes were wandering as I was dirving, and than when I was checking the mail there was a clothing catelog that was full of women modeling bathing suits and I had a hard time putting it down, it kind of brought me back to the memory of the first time I didcovered ma**** I finaly pulled myself away but my lusting was still there and I started to look at my wife to feed it, I see why many of you avoid your wives as well, although I usualy do good seperating my lusting from my relationship with my wife(I said usualy not always so dont jump on me and say it always is feeding my lust, I definatly sense it when I am looking at her or using her for a "mutar" form of lust or whether I am just giving her attention that she needs and apreciating her for the wonderfull wife that she is), I guess the Y'h is getting desperate with my succesfull over 30 days clean, after all I do need to focus on the positive as that is my goal on this thread, as it is the wall of honor not wall of shame.

so BE'H and I mean that sencerly or I try to mean it, as one of the things I have been trying to do is just directly say and make sure to say it out loud (especialy if I am alone in the car) not just in my head: "Hashem please help me, I need your help." I have tried doing this many times before but I always had trouble actualy verbaly saying it. This week I have been making progress with that, it has been strange but seems to be slow progress maybe if I keep saying it I will mean it more. And I even tried and succesfully prefesed it with "I am a hopless sexhalic" one time wich I really had trouple verbalizing in the past even in my car alone, and even driving with the music loud to muffle it out, but the funny thing is that I definatly do feel and know that I am a hopless sexhalic more than the senserity of asking for hashems help, ok maybe thats not so true I sometimes try to rationalize that im not always hopeless, that I am just hopeless some of the time. (wow that was a real long tangent thought process I forgot what I was getting at ) oh yes BE'H I will put my guard back up to max tommorow and hopefully it wont affect me in my sleep. Hashem please remove my lust so that my night and sleep is cleen. I was actualy wondering about that dose having a wet dream count on a fall especialy if it accurs after a day of slipping?

Good night Taireh Yidin
SOH

Hi,

By definition of the rule book, it does not count as a fall. But here's a cute story that may get you thinking straighter...

A big Rebbe used to be mechadesh many good shticklach in his dream. And he would wake up his Gabbai at all hours of the night and tell him over the chiddush that he just dreamt about, so that the gabbai would transcribe it on paper.

The gabbai was getting frustrated that he was not getting a decent night's sleep. So he once complained to the Rebbe that this is too hard for him to keep up with. So the Rebbe said, "But what should I do? I dream of such beautiful chiddushim..." And the gabbai replied, "The Rebbe should not think so much about this by day, so he will not dream about it at night!"

Have a good Shabbos - and sweet (machshovos) dreams,

MT

MT, I love it! ;D

can I get some feedback to whether or not call this a fall, it is borderline according to the rules.

up until two weeks ago I was doing great and than I started to slip really bad one day while online no fall at first and by slip I am referring to one of my old internet browsing patterns that normally lead to searching for porn (not with intent) but the next day I was slipping even more and the searches were with more intent but not for porn just general pictures and I am still not sure whether to consider it a fall the reason I would consider it a fall is I did not stop searching for about 15 min and I started the search with intent, although I did not go to any porn sites or mas*** B'h

I am leaning towards considering it a fall as I don't want to rationalize with myself again another time and say "oh, its just a bad slip not a fall, thats not too bad" and use that as an excuse to slip more often

and for those of you wondering why it took me 2 weeks to post this it is partially because I have been running away from the internet, and because I have been using my dumB smart phone which has been a pain to type with as it keeps restarting itself and I loose my post. (or maybe I am just shying away from admitting I slipped/fell)

As a positive note, I have been clean since than so I'm back to one day at a time

And as a step I have been trying is to listen in on some of the phone calls, although its usually just 10 or 15 minutes speraticly. I would like to figure out a call that I can commit to.

Oh and MT thanks for that great story

Hey soldier,

I can relate to that feeling of posting only negativity and at least for me the feeling of being wrapped up in my own head (going on long tangents etc.) I'm inspired by the fact you're putting in effort to write a positive thread.
But I also agree with ur-a-jew that you need to be "selfish" and write out all the stuff that's going on to help you feel good and hopefully avoid falls like that.

Whether or not to call it a fall I really don't know, I personally kept my count going even with falls in shmirat einayim bc for me a higher count makes me have more to lose.

KOT!
JKG

Unfortunately, today I don’t have much positive to write about. I guess that’s what happens when I don’t keep up with the posting and doing positive actions. I was home alone tonight, and I made sure to stay out of the house most of the night but instead of going right to sleep when I got home or even doing anything productive, here I am after a 4 hour session with me my distasteful desires and the lowest of the internet. I was rolling in the mud and didn’t even make half an effort to pull my self out once I started,

How hopeless I am against my lust!!
And I guess this is when I am supposed to say “please Hashem take it away” or at least I should have said that four hours ago.

With lack of a positive note for me to report now, I at least want to apologize to my wife, for my wasting this valuable time, and abusing my time alone. I’m sorry.

Hashem, give me the will power to stay clean tomorrow

And for what I will do to strengthen my fences I will think of as I shower off the filth and attempt to sleep, bezras hashem I will post something tomorrow

First of all, I am really sorry, because I am so preoccupied with myself, so forgive me, yes I am an addict and I am here for me, sorry. The reason is, I want to remain sober. I would cry for both of us, but that will do no good. So I want to suggest, what you said:

SoldierOfHashem wrote on 14 Jun 2012 03:54:


You write that you pulled yourself away and that is great, but something keeps ringing in my head that dov said, fighting is part of the problem. Anyhow dov says it way better. But honesty is the way out and you are honest. So keep on trucking, write what makes you tick or better what makes you "truck". 8)

SoldierOfHashem wrote on 13 Jul 2012 07:01:


Dear SoH,

Please excuse my ignorance, but I don't understand. I would imagine that if you joined GYE, that means you're serious about trying to kick this habit. So how is it that you have access to "the lowest of the internet"??!! Shouldn't that be one of the first steps you took - to install strong filters and accountability tools??!!

King Solomon wisely said (Mishle 6:27)
הֲיַחְתֶּה אִישׁ אֵשׁ בְּחֵיקוֹ וּבְגָדָיו לֹא תִשָּׂרַפְנָה
"Can a man rake fire in his lap, and his clothes will not get burnt?!"
Not only his clothes but also his soul will get scorched.
שריפת נשמה וגוף קיים

I really feel terribly sorry for you, and therefore I truly hope that you will install such fences as soon as possible. As Hashem commanded by Matan Torah, "Make a fence around the mountain (i.e. the big YH), because many may fall." And Rashi explains that even if one person will fall, that is one too many.

Hatzlacha

MT

A note on a couple of things you said, buddy (and btw, I am sorry for your fall and hope you get up soon):
It's "powerless" over lust, not "hopeless". I'm sure you can discern the difference. Words that we use are important because they frame our mindset.
When you ask Hashem to "take it away" you would do well by adding "just for today".
Don't ask Hashem for willpower. By now you must know that it has nothing to do with will power. Ask Him that you should be willing to do His Will instead of yours.
Pray for willingness, not for strength, because your measure of strength is powerless against it AND it gets in the way of Hashem's strength.
Just my thoughts.
Have a good day and an even better Shabbos.
Mottel

hi all and thanks for your critiquing me, I appreciate the straight forward help
to address your remarks.
first MT:
Machshovo wrote on 13 Jul 2012 14:04:

you are 100% right and that is not at all ignorant of you if anything it is ignorant of me, I have been pushing off on that too long, my lame excuses were that 1) I have been avoiding the computer so was not on enough to install one (how lame it that) and 2)I was having trouble installing one when I did try as my computer was not compatible and I did not get to finding or trying another filter (also pretty lame)
But now I dont really have that problem at the moment because hashem took care of it for me, as my house was berglerized and my computer was stolen, hows that for a friendly reminder!

and dear Mottel,


thanks for correcting me on the Powerless/hopeless mixup, as I was writing this in the wee hours of the morning and was not thinking fully straight, rather I was writing the way I was feeling at the time and as I was in the state of lustfullness and feeling down about falling my perception was thus skewed, I do understand the distinction thank you for the correction.
and as for the asking just for today, that is what I meant by tomorrow as tomorrow was already today at that time of night.
and not asking for will power rather just for willingness or as we are supposed to just step aside and let g-d do the fighting that is definitely something I need to work on, believing and practicing, as I struggle with that concept which is usually the reason why small falls turn into catastrophes for me, maybe you can share with me what helps you with that.

thank you so much
SOH

oh and for my step to improvement I will try to post 2-3 times a week regardless of how I am doing
and install a filter If I get that computer back or on what ever computer I get.

and yehoshua hope you are doing better as well

Hi all! another day clean, thats 5 for this count, its nice to be clean

making an active effort defiantly helps. I have been listening to a lot of the calls (I should introduce myself at more of them), not having my computer since its been stolen makes it a little easier, and restrengthening my shmiras eynaim helps a lot to as I was slacking with that before. And I finally finished the first half of the handbook.

the night I posted my last post I came across a gemora that helped me a little bit with what I posted
SoldierOfHashem wrote on 16 Jul 2012 21:00:

I am learning mesechaas Berachos and on the 5th daf it relates some stories about how R' Yochanan was visiting various colleagues who were sick and he was able to heal them by taking their hand. and than it relates a story how R Yochanan gets sick and R' Chanina came to visit R' Yochanan and he healed R' Yochanan by taking his hand, the gemora asks why couldnt R' Yochanan heal himself? The responce of the gemora is that: a captive cannot release himself from prison, rather he needs help from others outside.

I want to point out (and this is my humble interpretation) the gemora compairs a sick man to a captive. I thought to my self how well this applies to and addict which is a disease/sickness which holds a person captive. which is why we need the help of others mainly Hashem the ultimate healer but also from others, a good reason why it is important to reach out to others and not stay isolated, as a captive in isolation will will develop further psychological and physical problems.

now if I can just practice what I preach as I conceptually understand why I need to step out of the way, I just want to be able to do good, I guess I just have to realize that choosing to get out of g-ds way is doing the best good and that I need to do that more and more

Thank you Hashem for a great day!
your soldier