i just got chizuk from the famous rambam hilchos gerushin (2;20)
אבל מי שתקפו יצרו הרע לבטל מצוה או לעשות עבירה והוכה עד שעשה דבר שחייב לעשותו או עד שנתרחק מדבר האסור לעשותו אין זה אנוס ממנו אלא הוא אנס עצמו בדעתו הרעה לפיכך זה שאינו רוצה לגרש מאחר שהוא רוצה להיות מישראל ורוצה הוא לעשות כל המצות ולהתרחק מן העבירות ויצרו הוא שתקפו וכיון שהוכה עד שתשש יצרו ואמר רוצה אני כבר גרש לרצונו
i'll summarize: if a husband doesn't want to divorce his wife, bes din can force him by htting him until he says "rotzeh ani"- i want. The Rambam is bothered by this because a get must be given willingly?! The Rambam explains that although he is telling us that he doesn't want to divorce her, its his yetzer hara talking, because DEEP DOWN EVERY SINGLE JEW WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING!!! just our yetzer hara stops us!! So when we hit him and he finally says "rotzeh ani" he is revealing his true desire. and the Rambam says that this true about ALL MITZVOS!!
just something to think about...

That Rambam is really deep.
Thanks for sharing!
-ImGonnaWin

my pleasure
hatzlocha raba!!!

needtochange wrote on 04 Jun 2012 03:07:

Its just simply because i've gotten sooooo fed up with myself that i just can't go down that terrible road anymore. I know that this method probably won't last forever, because eventually i'll just convince myself that its not soooo bad... one time won't hurt... So I know that i have to slowly train myself that I am powerless and I need Hashem's help.

I so identify with these words, NTC. it's just like i felt.
i feel cleaner now BH. it is not yet the end. "the end" is when we get to 120. But after a long time i finally feel a real inner change, thanks to GYE and this forum. Just writing this to you so you should know there is a light at the end (did i say "end"?)

Joe- i loved your post! so simple, accpeting and non judgemental. just what we strugglers need. keep climbing, guys!!!!!

totally agree- no matter how well we're doing with this, we're never gonna be totally rid of it. I had a really bad day yesterday, got into a fight with my wife, was feeling very down abt myself, and i almost acted out. But bh i stopped myself, i simply had too much to lose. before this program i never felt like i had anything to lose, i just figured that i'll stop next time.... but now even though the urge is still there, i felt like a fool if i acted out- because i'm already 47 days clean!!! how can i just simply throw all that away?
Btw, until yesterday i don't remember having a real strong urge to act out since starting this program. I read about all of you guys on the forum struggling through the 90 days and i said to myself- wats so hard, i'm not gonna be like that!! Its amazing wat the yh can do to u!! he actually convinced me that after 13 years of being a total slave to this addiction, that i can be rid of it in 47 days!!! wat a fool i was!! well bh i had a rude awakening yesterday, that its NOT easy and it probably won't ever be!! but thats ok... because i just have to have faith that HASHEM will help me EVERY SINGLE DAY to KEEP FIGHTING!!
thanks for listening guys

I agree with all your so-well-stated conclusions.
Keep inching forward (or day-ing?)
Mottel

BSD

thanks for sharing, NTC. great post.
It is interesting that after a quarrel with your wife you felt an urge. (and kol hakavod for being misgaber, of course)
i also noticed that after a 'bad scene' , in any area in life, things get worse. i think it is because of low self esteem.

the other side of the coin: now that i am moving to israel my friends made a party (sounds bad, i know, LOL!!!! ;D) and they all said how they got chizuk from me as a teacher etc. there as such a helige atmosphere and I was moved to tears. in such high moments, you think to yourself- "how can i ever fall into such nonsense?'
the feeling may go away, obviously and sadly, but the concept is there: it is all about self esteem.
(ask dr. twersky!)

its totallly about self esteem!!
OMG like i would guess that over 2/3 of the time that i fall is when im feeling down about myself!
this past week has been murder!!! Me and my wife are fighting for the past week or so(i know it sounds bad- maybe it is), and i've had the hardest week since starting my 90 days- by far!!!! gosh im barely hanging on

Oh, brother, I so feel your pain...For me, the motivation to "show her" and stay sober played a big role. Mitoch sh'loi l'shmo...
I didn't want her to have that argument against me, you know...
Pray to Hashem in your own words (respectfully, k'muvon) for sholom bais and for staying sexually sober.
There is nothing that's so bad that can't be made worse by a little acting out. Just ask Dov.
Manhugs and mankisses,
Mottel

thanks, although she doesn't know abt my problem... so i don't feel like i need to "show her" anything

A fight with the wife is one of the worst "emotional" triggers.

Had one recently, and can relate to that. But ya know what? I simply told myself again and again, "Just because you're having some domestic issues, does not mean you have to totally ruin your life". B"H the domestic issues were resolved, and B"H they did not cause any collateral damage.

Yishtabach shemo!

MT

needtochange wrote on 28 Jun 2012 21:56:

needtochange wrote on 29 Jun 2012 13:52:

My point is, that when we masturbate to porn or to fantasy, we tend to feel bad about ourselves. When we're in a fight, and we are down on ourselves, we tend to acquiesce to even unjust accusations, because we feel we are deserving of critique.
When we stay sober, we feel good about our character and we feel we have a moral standing, and then we are able to differentiate between arguments that need attention and/or rebuttal and those that can be dismissed as irrelevant or those that are just meant to hurt us.
So staying sober through an argument or a prolonged fight, actually assures that we stay sober after the fight, too. The reason is, as above, if we are feeling down, and then take a beating, we either say "I'm no good anyways, I may as well act out" or "I'm really hurting, and I need to console myself with acting out". Either motivation can be avoided if we don't act out in the first place and learn to see life through sober eyes.
And therefore, your wife knowing about your "problem" (I like it how you delicately call it a "problem"; what is it, exactly?) or not knowing anything about it, is irrelevant to what I'm trying to share with you. We must stay sober through a challenge so that we can actually get through a challenge.
Is this confusing enough?
Gut SHabbos, and a peaceful Shabbos to you, brother,
Mottel

thanks guys
good shab