Hi guys i discovered this site sometime ago but never really gave an effort to try to change. Last week i just got fed up. I wanted to change because i just couldn't continue living a double life to my wife and especially to myself. I've been fooling myself for over 10 years that "I'll just grow out of this habit". Well lemme tell you something, its NOT just a habit and I didnt grow out of it. Bh bli ayin hara i've been clean for a full week now, and I'm feeling stronger everyday. I have an accountability partner who I call daily, and I'm reading the chizuk emails. But I know that i can't get complacent, I have to constantly be on guard and ready to battle. I know from a lot of years of experience that if you dont put in a full effort to fight this, it just wont work. The urge to act out is too overpowering, and even with the strongest will its still very hard to overcome it. I feel like i need to build up a consistent streak of staying clean, knowing that for every minute I overcome my nisyonos its another step in the right direction. The main reason that i'm writing this is because it feels sooooo good to finally get this terrible horrific secret off my chest, and actually put into words what i've been going through. I just hope that this isn't all just talk, and i'm actually able to keep this up. Please respond with input and chizuk, i would really appreciate it!!
Thanks in advance

Welcome NTC,

You're in good company. Please stick around and you will be happy you did. This GYE is perhaps the only thing of its kind in the world, and there has never been such a powerful tool against this stuggle ever (cuz there has never been such nisyonos as we face). You need to participate to be part of the game, and we will all be the winners be"H.

Hatzlacha,

MT

thanks for replying!! I need all the chizuk/input i can get!

hey ntc, i am really in the same situation as you..except ive been fooling myself for a few more years. i have been clean for a week as well with k9 and thats helping alot...didnt read many chizuk emails or much on this site due to being pretty busy with other good things...but i get alot of chizuk in these forums. do u have filter/webchaver?

I have k9 and have had it for a while. Bh that helps, but i've found that no matter what filter you have, if theres a will theres a way. Thats why i felt that I need to actually change myself and not just my computer. Obviously a filter is MANDATORY, but i feel like its just 1 step in the right direction, but not nearly enough to win this battle. I have found the chizuk emails to be very helpful, as they are a good reminder that I'm actively fighting this battle now, and not to get complacent. I've found that the hardest thing to do is stay consistent, so I really need as many reminders as possible.

Welcome N2C!

Sounds like you're already on the right track. Keep up the good work and don't ever give up!

Gevura!

thank you so much

I just read the ohr hachayim hakadosh on parshas acharei mos and it gave me a lot of chizuk. Before i found this website i kept on convincing myself that i was trying to get better, trying to improve. After reading people's posts and reading the ohr hachayim hakadosh i'm starting to realize 2 things: 1. I wasn't REALLY trying(because I didn't realize what trying means) 2. No matter how hard you try, without help from Hashem we're hopeless. This 2nd point never occurred to me before. It's amazing i've learned in yeshiva my whole life and was brought up in a regular frum home, and this never occurred to me about ANYTHING in yiddishkeit. I guess i was just always so caught up in blaming myself because i always believed that "Kochi V'otzem Yodi". It was such an eye-opener for me that Hashem is in control of EVERYTHING(not just the sun rising and the weather) and I NEED HIS HELP SO BADLY. It also gives me so much more hope that i can overcome this- hope that i never imagined possibe. Admitting that we're powerless for someone who doesn't believe in Hashem can be destructive; he may just give up and give in. But knowing that Hashem controls the world makes my powerlessness much more comforting, because I know that the same way Hashem helps me everyday with so many other things, he will surely help me with this- because he wants whats best for his children, maybe even more than his children want it.

Hi NTC,

First of all, welcome! My story is extremely similar to yours. & I also feel i need constant chizuk from these forums, and am so happy to have another friend here. take a warm handshake from me!
thanks for sharing the words of the Or Hachayim.
i was also brought up in a frum home, cheder etc.
I am not into blaming society or anything like that, but i do feel that we are never really taught how to overcome the YH. we are told to stay away from bad (which is a good thing), but are not really given the tools to deal with bad things if we "meet" them.
But now we have GYE to teach us how!!!
welcome & hatzlacha!

I totally agree with you. We are always taught that to fight the yh, u have to just completely shut him out and ignore him. In many areas this method works because our taiva isn't so strong, so as long as you stand firm and tell him NO! then ur ok. But when it comes to this nisayon, that doesn't work for many people, and until we realize that we just keep on going back to doing it- telling ourselves that next time i'll stop... next time will be different... next time i'll be stronger. This usually doesn't work because the yh is telling us this!! He's the one trying to convince us that we're really not so bad... we didn't really mean to do it.... So we never really try to change because we don't realize how bad the situation really is-since after we act out we convince ourselves that next time we'll be better. I'm starting to realize though that instead of telling myself that i can beat this thing and fight the yh the next time he strikes, i should realize that this nisayon is much more powerful than i think, and i can't beat it that way. I have to stop being so sure of my abilities to control myself, and instead realize that Hashem wants me to improve(probably even more than even i do), so i should accept the fact that this is bigger than me, and put my hope in Hashem. I know this sounds very spiritual and maybe yeshivish, but its a pretty simple concept in judaism if u think about it. It's not that much different than realizing that Hashem heals us physically- so the same way when someone you know gets sick r'l you run to say tehillim, why shouldn't we daven for Hashem to heal us spiritually? After all is there anyone else that you can ask for help?

hi need to change'

i was away from the internet for the week, physically ... which was good and bad...

i agree with you. it says in the gmara that without Hashem's help we cannot beat the YH. which means that we REALLy have to trust Him in that field (not just with money & health) & also to daven hard.
it never occured ot me how true that is- you really put it very well! - thanks!

Hi NTC
and belated welcome, like Kevin I have been staying off line wich has been a huge help by staying away although it led me to miss paying some bills on time but Id rather the late fees than the temptation.
I was feeling the strong urge to slip tonight, I came here and your thread was the first I read, and it is beeing very helpfull. Although being powerless to Hashem is an issue I have a hard time giving up even though conceptualy it makes a lot of sense.
well thanks and keep it up

KOT
SOH

amazing post, SOH!

Hey Guys,

You're all doing an amazing job, keep it up!

Just to brush on SOH's comment especially and everyone else's as well, I found myslef quite a few times feeling a need to slip but somehow came here instead (the forum is the only link in my favorite link bar on my internet browser - for easy quick SOS access). To hear how we are not alone and so many of us are struggling but struggling together and overcoming together is an amazing source of Chizuk for us all!!!

Joe

hey joe and SOH thanks for contributing! To be honest, it's really a lot easier to write these things than to actually believe them. Although BH BLIAYIN HARA im clean for 23 days right now, it really hasn't been because of the realization that i'm powerless and i need Hashem's help to get better. Its just simply because i've gotten sooooo fed up with myself that i just can't go down that terrible road anymore. I know that this method probably won't last forever, because eventually i'll just convince myself that its not soooo bad... one time won't hurt... So I know that i have to slowly train myself that I am powerless and I need Hashem's help. It hasn't come easy, but I hope eventually i'll get there...