Hey, fell last night and the day before. Its started with letting the eyes run loose on Shabbas. I'm ready to get back up now and fight with Siyata Dishmaya. Anyways my current situation is good and bad: I have a lots of free time over the next few weeks - school work is minimal at the moment. On the one hand it means more free time and more opportunities to do bad. On the other hand this free time can be translated into Shteiging and other productive activities, it also means less stress which I hear is a reason for falling. I know that I have to take these weeks one day at a time. But the ultimate key to success is setting times for learning and sticking to them - it uplifts the whole day and encourages me
to be actively involved in staying clean.
Tizkeh Lemitzvot!!

Keep busy friend. You're doing great work.
Stay fiercely committed to avoiding situations, triggers and tests.
If you're not so busy, maybe start a new exercise routine. Exercise can quickly eat up lots of time, and it's good for you and for your recovery.
Get up early and go to bed early.
Avoid the computer altogether. Don't trust yourself with it.

Wherever you slip, that's where you need to apply new committment, new gedarim, to make sure it doesn't happen again. But underlying everything, there needs to be a commitment to genuinely giving up lust.

Have a great, clean day!

Thanks Alexeliezer. Speaking of exercise I did have a riigorous exercise session today which havent done in about a month. Unfortunately it was at a gym, and this gym is not for some serious about his Avodas Hashem. But I will Beezrat Hashem continue everyday of the next few weeks, though not at the gym bli neder. So its Baruch Hashem day two tonight - Im in the mood to do bad but I cant afford it and Ive been begging Hashem to just remove the lust for tonight. Making sure that I get an early night with some shteiging on the side.
Tizkeh Lemitzvot!

Yeah. Had to give up my gym membership when I got serious about being sober. Lift weights at home now and bike outdoors (which also has its challenges, but do-able).

Okay Baruch Hashem day 3 today. When I feel myself getting weak I plead with Hashem to remove the lust and replace it with inspiration. Been keeping myself busy. Loving the daily chizuk emails.
Tizkeh Lemitzvot!

fell yesterday. Actually the day was going really well and the sad part was that I was searching something to do with helping me block out adverts in hotmail. Once I was on the site which answered my question I got curious and began to search other questions which led to worse stuff. I think the root cause of the fall was simply a lack of self control by giving into curiosity. So today Im a new person - forced myself to get up for shacharis despite lack of sleep. Im working on the curiosity for now - like today I spoke to an interesting person over the phone and afterwards i wanted to search them up on the internet and find out more - but Baruch Hashem i realised it was harmful curiosity and it wasnt necessary for my work so I left it.
Tizkeh Lemitzvot!

Many people here will not even follow a link given to them here on GYE. I'm not there yet, but I aspire to be there. They treat the internet like what it is- a dangerous two edged sword, filter, webchaver and all.

yedid_nefesh wrote on 19 Jun 2012 17:45:


yedid_nefesh wrote on 02 Jul 2012 11:24:


yedid_nefesh wrote on 27 Jun 2012 13:07:


Maybe lacking ruchnius is the least of your problems right now. Maybe it's lacking in understanding of what brings about the fall.
Maybe it's letting your eyes wonder. Maybe it's not being serious about wanting to stay stopped.
Maybe if you consider following the rules that someone else made (not you) you may have a better chance. For example looking at porn definetely calls for restarting your "clean days" count, as per 90-day chart rules.
Maybe you need to give up on the idea that cranking up the "shteiging" and the "lernen" can have any effect on porn watching and masturbating (if those are the issues you're trying to deal with).
Or maybe I'm just full of it and don't know what I'm talking about.
It may be...
Mottel

Shavua Tov!

To E-tek I agree im trying to not let my curiosity get the better of me even for the most innocent stuff out there

hey to obermottel. Your post contains alot of truth. I was actually unaware that the 90 day chart rules considers looking at p* as a fall. But now just thinking about it I dont know if that would be the best in my case - it may just if I chas veshalom view p* lead me to actually act out. I know its not the right attitude to think "hey if im down i might as well go all out" but i need to be realisitic. And why draw the line with p*? maybe any lustful gazing on purpose should be a reason to restart. Please tell me what you think cause maybe im wrong. But i do disagree about learning Torah - for me having solid sedarim is a protection against falling. If I fail to learn my overall will to be clean is weak for the day. For our sickness shteiging may not be enuf but for me it certainly a key component. But youre right - if im not 100% serious how can i beg Hashem to save me. I may not be in control but i still need to do my bit. I dont know tell me what you think, maybe im being to defensive of myself.

Anyways great Shabbos Baruch Hashem. Day two and yeah thats all
Tizkeh Lemitzvot

First of all, the chart follows the rules it goes under, regardless of what you think. If you want to make your own rules, make your own chart.
Second,obormottel wrote on 06 Jul 2012 21:50:

I believe the difference between eyes in the street and p*** is that we unfortunately do not need to do much to be triggered in the street. On the net, p*** comes from something I do- search it out. I can't be blamed for being triggered on the street, although if I'm truthful to myself I will take steps to avoid it, whatever they may be. But how do I get to p*** without doing something I shoudn't? Also, note that the 90 day chart allows for a few minutes for a person to catch himself.

Hatzlacha!
Meir

yedid_nefesh wrote on 07 Jul 2012 17:57:

thank you, for an addict, saying the truth is a step forward.

. didn't get it, sorry.


We can draw the line wherever, you're right. The GYE draws it at porn. Lustfully gazing at women surely disturbs sobriety and serenity. It's prolly not realistic to reset your count every time you look at someone because a) it's hard to judge b) you don't seek it out a lot of times, like Meir said c)you'll never get ahead.


Of course keeping to routine helps. If you're learning, you are not masturbating. The question is if the learning can keep you clean between sedorim.
But youre right - if im not 100% serious how can i beg Hashem to save me.

I never said any such thing, Hashem listens to all tfilois and encourages us to pray to Him min hameitzar. Bein Hametzorim is a good time to start praying, then.
Hatzlocho,
Mottel

E-Tek wrote on 08 Jul 2012 03:11:


true true, makes sense.

Ok ive been away on holiday for the last few days. The first and last day were good - tough but very good. I did fall last night - i was stuck by myself with a TV in my hotel room which was disastrous. I spent today thinking a bit about this ongong struggle, I think the next step from here is to try list my most common triggers and how to avoid/deal with them. Initially i wanted it to just be a mental thing but if im really serious about this i need to physically write things down. I started writing tonight and over the next week or so I will with siyata dishmaya write down what comes to mind and start putting up fences, and writing down ways to deal with them.
Tizkeh Lemitzvot!!!!!

Day 2 Baruch Hashem. Iv realised that one of major problems is an all or nothing approach. If I stare at a women with lust intentfully its downhill all the way till i m* later that night. Im really going to work on this weekend getting back up if I slip chas veshalom in any way. I think im focusing too much on the daily count and not enough on the fact that every second counts - no matter how bad Iv fallen before that point. Anyways I was feeling quite down this morning and I decided to read the email before anything happens - it was so refreshing and now Im feeling a lot more optimistoc, despite the long day that lies ahead -
Tizkeh Lemitzvot
Shabbat Shalom!

yedid_nefesh wrote on 11 Jul 2012 19:00:


Success with sobriety requires full commitment. It means knowing that lust is poison to me, that I really can't go on living this way. It means truly committing to giving up lust. Say it frequently, "I surrender my lust, I don't want to lust, take my lust." This is at the core of our recovery.

Lose the fear of living without lust. Give up your beloved drug -- commit! Nothing short of full commitment is enough to produce lasting sobriety.

Baruch Hashem day 5 tonight. Its been a real rough day - Ive had to sit at the computer the whole day to do some school project and have to keep accessing the internet. At times it feels like p* will be the only escape I really wouldnt mind tonight curling up with an i-pad and letting myself go. I think ill instead download a great shiur that ive been dying to listen to - which I can curl up with later. Anyways as alexeliexer says
"Lose the fear of living without lust. Give up your beloved drug -- commit! Nothing short of full commitment is enough to produce lasting sobriety"
I really gotta ingrain this into myself.