Hey people, i have been on GYE for a few years i am now in my late teens finishing off school. I unfortunately havent been to consistent in the foorums so after last nights fall i have decided to start a hopefully daily log of my journey. Anyways hopefully this log will help me focus more on my struggle and with Siyata Dishmaya really help out. I in the past years i have avoided the guidebooks and attitudes thinking not for me but the last few weeks of reading the emails have helped me realise its something that is vital if i want to make progress.

Im reading one attitude from the guide book daily and trying to personalise and absorb each attitude. Todays one is acknowledging that I am addicted which has obviously been tough as im sure most people have experienced that process by now but once again it is necessary if i will want to take the attitudes to heart. Also it is important to recognise when i am the most vulnerable so after llast nights fall i can safetly add tha wanting to "chill out" to the list of dangerous times. Now Im not saying its bad to chill out but chilling has to be planned and definately not just surfing.

K got to go and will with Siyata Dishmaya continue this log just mainly ranting on.

TizkeH Lemitzvot

Welcome Yedid!
It good that you have a plan and schedule set.
Have you thought about getting on one of the 12 step calls? This is my first time on the call (I'm also relatively new here), and we're still very much in the beginning of the program. Maybe that's something to think about.

I look forward to reading your future posts.
Hatzalacha!
-ImGonnaWin

Hi ידיד נפש

Your signature, "Nafshi Cholat Ahavatecha" reminds me that the Minchas Elazar asks, how can we be untruthful to Hashem and proclaim that our soul is lovesick towards Him when we are not really on that madreiga? And he answers, we can translate it to mean that our soul is sick regarding the middah of ahavah which Hashem gave us. We channeled it in the wrong direction. So we therefore ask of Him:

אנא א-ל נא רפא נא לה

May He heal us from our sickness so that

אז תתחזק ותתרפא והיתה לה שמחת עולם

Hatzlacha

MT

Hello all. Today is Baruch Hashem day 6. SInce monday night things have been tough. Yesterday my usual schedule was disrupted as I had to be somewhere where there were many woman in the morning. As you can imagine this threw me off for the rest of the day. I basically wasted about 3 hours yesterday on the internet - not looking at anything explicit but nevertheless pretty treif. I did manage to get some solid Torah earning late at night so i went to bed at least on a positive note. Today has been good Baruch Hashem so far with solid shemiras eiynanyim. Im still reading and tring to internalise one attitude per day but unfortunately the attitudes just aren't seeming to go in. Iv also for these last 6 days been davening frequently througout the day at random times for Hashem to help me - and it has worked miracles.

To Imgonnawin calls are not an option as i do not live in america or Israel and so yeah its not an option.
To Machsova Tova:Thanks for the great insight. I chose the username Nafshi Cholat Ahavatecha cause i thought it was actually reffering to our love for Hashem - I guess ill have to think of something else apppropriate in its place.

Anyways Tizkeh leMitzvot!

yedid_nefesh wrote on 23 May 2012 13:36:


Wow! Thanks for sharing that. It should be a great source of chizzuk to all of us, to know that even in our lowly generation, and in our lowly situations, we still have this powerful ko'ach of tefila.

תהלים יח - פָּנָה אֶל תְּפִלַּת הָעַרְעָר וְלֹא בָזָה אֶת תְּפִלָּתָם: יט תִּכָּתֶב זאת לְדוֹר אַחֲרוֹן

MT

yedid_nefesh wrote on 23 May 2012 13:36:


Do yourself a big favor and stay off the internet (except email and GYE). Surfing will lead to falling. This is the way the Y"H does it. He doesn't say "Yedid, let's go look at some internet shmutz now." No. He says lets just kill a bunch of time on the internet. He numbs up your mind, drawing you to progressively more provocative material.

Your only hope is to stay off the internet altogether. You don't need to know what happened in the news or sports. Your sobriety is too important. Your sobriety is the most important thing. This struggle isn't going away. Your only hope is to stay away. Far, far away.

Have a great clean day!

Alex

Right on alexeliezer! unfortunately ive learnt your advice the hard way after many falls. The yetzer is very original and every time there is just "something" that has to be searched on the internet 9 out of 10 times ending in disaster. I know myself and my vulnerability so i dont even go onto frum news websites - for me it is giving the YH a foothold. So for now its only GYE and email for GYE and websites to download shiurim.

Hello, tonight i am feeling two emotions.
On the one hand theres a constant nagging which comes to at night and has been the root of quite a few of my falls- which i know is only the YH - and its saying to me to "just be normal", - Do what normal teenagers do - watch some TV, surf the web, read a magazine go out at night to treif places, dont learn Torah at night. But then I again and again remind myself that we are not in this world for pleasure, relaxation and to just be "normal". Normal in Olam Haba will be knowing Shas, having clean eyes and being full of Mitzvos. When i get up to shamayim after 120 years IY"H I want to be normal in the eyes of the holy tanaaim, ammoraim and all our rishonim and achronim. Hopefully this thought of being accepted among the holy Tzaddikim will help me ge through the nagging of the YH at night. Im already feeling better and normal just writing this.

On the other hand Baruch Hashem tonight is night 8 - my longest streak in a long time and also qualitatively one of the best. My learning over the last couple of days is on a new level of geshmakness and maybe, just maybe after all I can enter Shavuos without guilt. So for now its focuing on the positive, taking one day at a time.
Tizkeh Lemitzvot

"Normal" is an interesting argument.

Maybe replace it with happiness. As in true happiness. True happiness in this world is having clean eyes, a clean & free mind, knowing shas and all the other things you mentioned. No need to wait for olam habah.

Alexeliezer you are 100% correct. But for now, for the moments when it is difficult to see the happiness of a lust free life I need to use these fantasies of Olam Haba to push me through the moment.

Anyways Baruch Hashem tonight is night 12 - the longest clean streak in ages - perhaps since the beginning of the year I think(that streak was almost a month long). So over the last 4, holy days I tried something that people on these forums and the email speak about which is surrendering our lust to Hashem(or something like that) and BH it worked - at this stage i dont understand what that means or how it works but its definately something very powerful. Tonight im having my typical yearnings to spend the night immersed in the internet but then again its not our purpose in this world, its not the path to true happiness and tomorrow I will be regretting it. So Yom Tov was good exceot for a twenty minute period today where I allowed my eyes to wander - basically not taking this struggle seriously enough. ANd then their was last night where I started to read a treif book, yet it was actually easier to stop than it used to be. Also while lying in bed last night I was attacked by a stream of bad thoughts but BH i just focused on Torah thoughts and all was good. So yeah thats it for now and I think the challenge for now is to take the fight as seriously as I took it on day one.
Tizkeh Lemitzvot please

To surrender lust, just say, "Ribbono Shel Olam, I surrender this lust to You. I cannot fight it, I do not want it, I cannot use it or deal with it. Please take my lust. Just for today. Just for right now. Please take my lust. I give it up to you like a korban."

Ok, let me give you what happened this week. Monday night was tikun leil sheni for me - I was up till 3:30 AM on the internet on youtube and the likes but nothing very very bad. ANd no fall. Tuesday I was on internet for two hours watching bad stuff again but still had relatively more success since I got to bed earlier and managed to learn half hour of Gemara before sleep. I also tried to post on GYE but was disturbed in middle of post. LAst night was far more successful. Did some good work and learnt Torah for over a solid hour but still listened to a bad radio station while working. So BAruch Hashem today is day 14 Its been a terrible day and Ive let y eyes go and the only reason i might not fall today is because of the mountains of work and tests I have. Otherwise I will see how thing go and I dont know if I will make it.I donnt KNow.

Tizkeh Lmitzvot

Whatever you're looking at on YouTube, even if it's mainstream, is detrimental. If it contains women in any state of dress, it's forbidden fruit. It's feeding your lust -- and when your lust gets strong enough from being fed so much, it will demand a feast.

Your only hope is to starve it completely. It's actually easier than what you're doing now. It just seems like it will be harder -- until you actually start doing it and start feeling free.

No women .

Hey Yedid,

Congrats on the effort and keep it up. I all have is 2 words for you: Internet Filter.

It took me a long long time to realize that. I can say for sure that I wouldn't be where i am today if not for it and not 1 filter but 2 or 3 filters at least.

Good luck!

Joe

Ok, i fell the not last week thursday but the thursday before after a very successful streak of 15 days. This last week has been a series of ups and dowwns with last night hopefully being the last of the downs. SO tonight is day 1 and I know that it was a chutzpa of me last week to ask Hashem to help me if im not cinsistently posting on the forum and aggressively reading the emails aand attitudes- something that i will bli neder get back to from tonight. So tonight iv been having taaivos to just surf but then again if i give in tonight how can i possibly expect it to be easier tomorrow night and just posting this post is making tonight easier. Anyways I think ive identified the cause of the end of my 15 day streak - not taking this addiction seriousky enough.

So heres my question i pose to you guys: I read tonight attitude 15 which is basically about not fighting the YH head on but rather walking aorund him and avoiding confrontation with him altogether by putting up fences. BUt surely the more we are involved on this forum and the more we try to become determined to be clean and the more seriously we take this addiction the more we will think about the struggle and then we are back to step one by countering the YH head on?. Please will someone explain to me how to resolve these two concepts.
Thanks
and
Tizkeh Lemitzvot!!