to jd wow a hero! iv read through yor post through and through all i can say is wow! reb nosson of breslov writes a novel idea, it says in zohar that in the battle with yh who has won? the one who has the ammunition in his hand. so reb nosson asks, in a real life war how do we know who has one? the side that comes home from battle and puts away their ammo?! why in the war with yh its the one that holding the ammo in his hand. so he goes on to expound the obvious that in this war with the yh you want to know who has one the war? the one thats still ready to fight again u go into the battlefield and it seems all is lost but no im ready to fight agaim and again HE will win and not only will he win the zohar says he has ALLLREADY WON!

i unfortunately have not been carrying out my own advice recently.  once i have been getting down, it usually leads towards a bad spiral for days.  i finally now have 3 days clean, and really, bezras Hashem, have been trying to focus on the basics, ie. shmiras einayim, and things like that.  i need to focus more on the positive reasons for fighting (and winning).  there was a day or so last week were i really felt like giving everything up.  i saw no purpose to fighting, and why can't i just do what i want.  i havent felt that way in a long time, and it was not only scary, but i hated that feeling.  B'H things the last couple days have been better.  hopefully i can continue to work on myself, and not just stay clean for today, but improve and live better, so i won't fall anytime an image jumps past me.

Please see Chizuk e-mail #441 on this page (scroll down) for the concept of "Hitting Bottom While Still on Top"...

And maybe these stories can help in this regard...

www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=861

www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=176

www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Stories/HorStory1.asp

Well, i had a fall again on monday (its wed).  and i got fed up.  i just couldnt figure out what i was doing right when i had my streak of 42 days, and why i have not been able to come close to that since.  and yesterday, it hit me a little bit.  its no great chiddush, and many ppl here have said it many times, it just finally clicked a little.  i know that the key isn't just to keep busy and avoid the bad things, bc then eventually you will not be busy at some point.  the point is to be busy with kedusha and torah.  yesterday, i started taking notes while listening to the daf yomi shiur on my computer (which i usually just listen to, which inevitably leads to spacing out).  and then later at night i went to a fantastic shiur of chassidus on the parsha.  i felt like i was living.  and then i realized when i was driving home, i had no interest in the shmutz.  it doesnt compare to kedusha.  so while i new that i had to live clean and grow, and i kept saying it, i forgot what it meant.  i finally felt it again for the 1st time in a while, and hopefully can continue to chase it.
this very much relates to todays email of sur mera=aseh tov, so that you are sur mera de facto.

B'H, i am now clean for 3 days, and more importantly it has been 3 days of living (for the most part, not saying im a tzadik).  they have been 3 better days than there have been in a while.  somthing occurred to me from this weeks parsha.  the famous midrash that rashi quotes about eliezer and yitchaks shidduch is that he really wanted his daughter to marry yitzchak.  the gra points out that he says "oolay" that the girl wont come back with me, which usually is used when something will happen, or we want it to.  yet when he goes to the well, he davens to Hashem to help him.  and maybe by then he wanted it to work completely, but perhaps is heart wasnt in it totally.  yet he davens, and asks for help.  i just thought that relates to our situation a lot.  sometimes we still want the shmutz, but we have to ask just to not want it.  maybe we still have our daughter that we want for yitzchak, but we know whats right.  so not only do we ask Hashem for success, we ask to want the success more.
that may have made no sense at all.  sorry if it didnt and wasted ppls time.

good shabbos

written uncoherently but seeing that i suffer the same probs i gave some time to understand the vort. nice 1! what ur saying is taht inside inside we know what we want and given nurturing it will prevail. meah achuz

JD beautiful post, Hashem sometimes shows us the "bad stuff" in order so we can appreciate the good

Keep it up!

i have been going through the same up and down routine that i used to day.  finally get a few days clean, fall right back down, usually after shabbos.  i feel so lethargic, and i feel like im losing the will, desire, and ability to fight.  i know this is dangerous and bad, and that this is the result of my acting out, but i feel like there is nothing i can do. i feel like no energy to fight, i feel hopeless, and sometimes i cant even remember why to bother fighting.  i cant remember the last shachris i was at during the week.
it hasnt been this hopeless for a while, hopefully ill snap out of it.  but even when i get a few days clean, i dont feel that clarity or sense of purpose that i had a while back. 
i dont know my next move, hopefully things will turn around.  just felt like maybe posting would help

Was in your position very recently. The feeling of asking yourself why bother fighting is familiar, lethargy, apathy.... man you speak straight out of my heart! What was needed for me was a drastic change. Dunno whether this will work in the long run (for me), but try (if you have troubles with the computer) to kick it out of your private little corner to somewhere public, install a good filter on it and try and spend as little as possible time on it.

Keep it up! If you have no computer problem, try something else. Go for a run as soon as possible.  Do something, active to forget any falls. Its this day that counts. Make it count!

well there has been an update in the last hour.  Hashem gave me some chizuk quickly.  i have the zechus of hearing Rabbi Dr. Twerksi speak most days for a few minutes in between mincha and maariv.  today, he asked the famous question from the parsha, what does the pasuk mean that yaakov waiting for rochel felt like yammim achadim, why did it feel quick it should have been the opposite.  he answered something we all have heard many times, but it resonated a lot more with me today.  he said one of his patients, an alcoholic, once gave him the answer.he said what is yamim achadim, singular days.  HE TOOK IT ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! exactly what we all need to do! that was still manageable. he didnt say, ok time to work for 7 years, that is too hard.  let me work today.
and while i have obviously heard this many times before here, it really struck me the way he said it.  my maariv was definitely different, and hopefully i can start living more right now.  

thank you, someone, youre right, i need to focus more on today, and doing anything but surfing the net.

i have not posted on the forum in many many months.  since then, i have read the daily emails, have had ups and downs, and have been meaning to post on here for a long time.  i know its an important part of improving.  but once i got out of the habit, it was really hard to get back in.  so im just posting something now, to hopefully get back into the swing of things.  this is a new day 1, and hopefully i'll come back and be posting tom for day 2. 

Funny, just as I posted my first message here in a few weeks; so do you! Welcome back bro! Lets stay here for good this time?  :D

Welcome back JD!!

Someone wise  once posted:

I heard a parable that helped me recently. I was listening to a shmuz by Rav Shafier about the tests we have in life, and he gave the mashal of two bikers that you see pass you. One guy, barely breaking a sweat, is cruising along, wind in his hair, no struggle at all, enjoying life, speeding by. The other, is struggling greatly, sweating, panting, and you can see the pain on his face. Normally, everyone assumes the 1st guy is the better biker. The only difference is, that the 1st guy is going downhill and the 2nd guy is going uphill.... Bottom line, it's the trying that counts.