this is my first post in a really long time.  i had 42 days clean until the day after yom  kippur, and i haven't had 5 days clean since then, which is where i stand now.  i have lost the clarity i had during that time, almost forgetting why to keep fighting and not to give in.  its been very frustrating.  somehow, i now have 4 clean days and am on day 5, and i need to get back to where i was then, and continue to grow.  i need to be more proactive.  maybe even just trick myself for a few days, so i can get back into a routine of clean and happiness and avodas hashem.  i still learn about the same, but the learning is not the same.  and waking up for minyan, which i've always had a problem with (which i assume has something to do with my addiction) and which i was doing much better with during my clean streak has suffered greatly.  i really want to be an eved Hashem, i just feel like i fell so far away from that, and i have wasted so much.  the point is to win certain battle grounds and move on to the next battle, but i feel like i win battles and then give the territory right back.
i did hear one dvar chizuk that helped me recently. its not a tremendous chiddush, but the mashsal just struck me for some reason.  i was listening to a shmuz by Rav Shafier about anger, and he gave the mashal of two bikers that you see pass you.  one guy, barely breaking a sweat, is cruising along, wind in his hair, no struggle at all, enjoying life, speeding by.  the other is struggling greatly, sweating, panting, and you can see the pain on his face.  normally, everyone assumes the 1st guy is the better biker.  the only difference is the 1st guy is going downhill and the 2nd guy uphill. 
my life may be full of ugly sins, but i do think i am trying.  i know for sure that i need to put in a much greater effort, but i do have the right goals in mind.  hopefully, bezras Hashem, He will help me stay clean for good and bring me closer to Him

Welcome back, JD.  Have you read the GYE handbooks lately?  They may give you the boost you need to continue getting back on track.  Hatzlacha!

Yes, Kedusha is right. An addiction is very difficult to break. We need to use all the tools at our disposal, and you'll find them in the handbooks... And read the chizuk e-mails every day.

Loves the bike moshol! May put it in an e-mail...

Keep up the good work. You may be biking up hill now, but after a while you get over the crest of the hill, and it becomes SMOOTH SAILING - wind in the hair and all  :D

JD, Great to hear from you again!
Please keep us informed.
We are interested.... in success or otherwise....
Because posting here makes EVERYTHING a success. It means that we are DEALING with it.
instead of just letting it deal with us, so to speak.
k

well, unfortunately, i didnt even last the full 5th day.  i was clean yesterday, and so far today, and bli neder i am going to make a stronger commitment to the handbooks.  i also find that reading windows to the soul daily helps me.  i also need to spend more time on the forum, involved with other people.  i feel stupid commenting and trying to help other people when i can't seem to get anything right on my own, but maybe it can still be helpful to them.  instead of surfing nothings, (since i spend a lot of time on the phone and on hold it happens) i will spend more time reading and posting on the forum.  if i am going to be in front of a computer, i need to make it not only something that isn't negative, but make it positive.

Now you are on to something BIG!

JD wrote on 22 Oct 2009 15:51:


You sure can be helpful!

First, you've been clean for a streak of days. And you are onto a new steak.

That means you are succeeding.

So its not perfect yet.

keep working at it, be mechazik others, and you'll amaze yourself!

k

something pretty amazing just happened to me.  i was about to start googling certain things, with my fake innocent thoughts that its not so bad, and all the sudden my internet just completely stopped working.  i couldnt click on anything.  Hashem said you have asked for help to guard your eyes, I will guard them for you.  i still have urges, but that obviously struck me pretty hard.

JD wrote on 22 Oct 2009 19:12:


Wow!

This belongs in the HUGS! thread too.

y'no, this type of stuff has been popping up on the forum pretty frequently lately.

???

I'm thinking that maybe Guard used the 10k he raised to commission the Shin Bet to design a computer worm that infiltrates all of GYE computers and causes them to lock up when certain type of stuff is attempted.

hmmm.

kutan














PS: i TOLD you I'm paranoid!  :D

I have been see-sawing unfortunately recently, and i finally have 3 days clean again.  the email recently have been especially helpful.  i have no great chiddush, i just wanted to get back into the routine of posting.  hopefully, Bezras Hashem today will continue properly and i can live each day properly.

One day at a time.

No more; no less

#615? The one about Surrender?

yes guard, that one happened to have been fantastic (they all have been great though, seriously).

Thank you! Yes, the technique of "surrender" is very powerful in this struggle. We don't have to indulge and we don't have to fight. We just give it up and surrender it to G-d.




Kutan, SHAHHH!