it is the start of day 20 for me, and everyday i feel like i am entering new territory and getting closer to being a clean person.  i know there is much more work for me, and who knows how long it will last, but i can work on it while i have my life.
We are actually moving offices this weekend, and i will have my own office.  while i am concerned and prepared for the battles, i am ready to fight and daven for them, and win them.  i haven't had the urges at work to go to the websites i have in past (thanks to webchaver).
And i am also very excited to work in a "clean place". (the office itself is also pretty new) Not of my past shmutz will be there, and this elul really is feeling like a fresh start for me.  new work, new attitude and hopefully a new me, shinui hashem.

That's gevaldik. Thanks for sharing. We share your hope and say to you: Keep up the good work!

BTW. New attitude and new you - yes, but shinui hashem not. Ani Hashem, lo Shinisi  :D

my office is my biggest stumbling block...one thing that may work: never close your door and have your monitor face the door with your back to the door this way anyone passing by can see what youre doing...its worth giving up the downtime, trusdt me...also you can be pretty sure that the it guys check out everything you do online...unfortuantely in my office there is a culture of lust being ok (guy next to me openly talks about his escapades) so there is no shame in my office...good luck, bro

Today is day 25.  B'H i see improvement everyday, but i have a long way to go. i had an amazing thing happen to me yesterday.  i was driving around near my office looking for a place to park, and a woman in a car turned from the right and drove in front of me.  i unfortunately had the first look, and then i made the worse mistake of the quick second look.  that was a bad mistake, and right away i felt bad about it.  however, shortly after, i was drving in the exact same spot, and a car was about to make the same trun in front of me, and i noticed for second it was her! it was the exact same situation! i said come on, another nisayon, for a half of a second, and then i realized Hashem has given me the chesed of doing teshuva moments after a mistake! mere moments! that was elul, Hashem coming close and giving me the opportunity for teshuva. it was amazing, and B'H i looked away right away this time.
Chasdei Hashem!

This is the GYE spirit! Not letting the first little slip get you down, doing Teshuvah right away. Ashrei Chelkecha!

wow JD! that's a great story! and what an opportunity to do teshuva in such a real way. a real gift!

Today is day 26, and i cannot help but get down on myself.  things have been going pretty well over all for me, but last night/this morning i had a problem.  some background is needed: my wife and i are going through fertility treatments, and have been for the last year (no doubt largely in part due to my failings in this area).  i had not had one clean stretch during any of the cycles that she went through or the various procedures (which of course made me even more guilty).  nonetheless, this was my first time being clean since out last time trying, through the next.  tomorrow morning is our first IVF, and for those who don't know, its basically the last step in fertility treatments.  needless to say, things are tough and stressful.  but, in addition, they want you to abstain for 5 days beforehand (which isn't a problem bc my wife is a niddah now).  however, for the 1st time in a long time, i had a "dream" that led to an emission. i woke up so down on myself.  no. 1, i know they aren't totally accidental and it is due to my actions during the day, and no.2, and so important, is that this can very much affect the success of this important (and expensive) procedure.  my wife has been going through hell, literally, and i just made it worse.  this is going to haunt me for a long time if the IVF doesn't work tomorrow. i feel like meuvat shelo yuchal litkon at this point, a terrible thing has happened, it screwed things up, and its my fauly and i cant do anything about it.
im pretty bummed   

JD,

I don't really got much to say. But I read what you wrote and I'm listening to every word that you have to say. I hope that means something.

I know nothing about what youre going through but cant you call your doc and put it off for 5 days? It seems like days 25-30 are the most messed up and difficult...youre not the first person i read that has run into something difficult around there...but in terms of feeling down on yourself, i dont know where you were when you started but i came from so low that if someone were to tell me that 25 days from now the only thing wrong i'd do is have an involuntary emmission, id pay cold hard cash to get there...thats really no reason to be down on yourself, at all...

Hello? Why are you feeling down about yourself because of the emission while you were unconscious?? For so many years we did it willingly and now you're 26 days already having not done it willingly! As a matter of fact, you're doing so well that the yetzer Hara can't even get you while you're concious anymore. He has to resort to getting you while you're asleep. That's not even an aveira! He just hopes to get you DOWN about it, because he knows that when we get down - he OWNS us... So, my dear holy Jew, you should be rejoicing that he can't get you while awake!

P.S. I quoted you in today's e-mail, which will inspire over 750 members!! In that merit, be"h may your fertility effort bear fruit!

i thank you all for your support, and Bezras Hashem everything will go well tomorrow.  like the story in the gemara of rebbi channina ben dosa, whose daughter used vinegar instead of oil, and he said the some One who lights the oil will light the vinegar, so hopefully the One who is mazria with 5 day old zerah will be mazriah with 2 day old.

Amen!

I'm telling you, when I hear a tefilloh like that, I can't hold back...

Gut Shabbos!

Today is still pretty crazy for me here on day 29, but Thank G-d, im ok.  last weeks episode was definitely an extra wake up call to teshuva, and i still don't know how our procedure will go (the last part is either tomorrow or wed) but please G-d it will be successful.  i actually went to an amazing slichos minyan sat. nite, and im still working hard, and i have a long way to go and a lot of improvement left. 
I have been cutting down in general on tv shows and movies, but when my wife wants me to watch things with her, it is interesting to see things differently than i would have a little while back.  for example, we watched a documentary on the bar exam in california.  it has the lowest passing rate in the US, something like 39%.  but they spotlighted a few people who had to take a few times, and these people have no quit, they get punched in the stomach, and get right back up.  the most amazing guy was an older guy, probably in his late 50s, who had taken the bar 41 times.  41 TIMES!!! he would not give up, and every failure just made him fight harder, and work harder.  this was an incredible lesson for me.
another documentary we saw was about certain drug addicts who were experimenting with a certain drug that was supposed to get them detoxed with less side effects.  among many other things that were parallel to lust addiction, the guy in the movie used the detox drug, and felt great, but as soon as he went home, back to his life, he fell again.  he admitted, i need a plan in place, a new start and a new life.  i need to be a new person, and live differently, i cant go back and just expect to be different.  he eventually did, got a successful plan in place, and he was clean for a while when the movie was released.  it was like he was talking to me! 

JD wrote on 14 Sep 2009 19:08:


ahhh, the importance of having a plan B...

congrats on 29, what a perfect time of year to be running a hot streak! keep on fighting brother...

ratm

Things are going fairly well , today is day 32.  however, yesterday, i was having more thoughts and fantasies than i was having in a long time.  i had to fight really hard.  but something came into my mind that i heard from r' moshe wolfson in his emuna shiurim.  in the end of days, when the Satan knows that his days are numbered, Hashem gives him extra Koach to do things he normally wouldn't have been able to.  its his last hurrah, and he gets his "last supper".  I am now so much further than i have been since i can remember (probably ever) and my yetzer knows that.  he knows rosh hashana and yom kippur are coming up, and Bezras Hashem i'll get even stronger, and then succos, and even stronger.  (i know very much that the battle is not close to over) he sees that if i get into the yamim noraim clean and fighting for maybe the first time in years and years, he is in trouble.  so i said just fight a little more, this battle must mean he is nervous and i am close to turning a corner.
so Baruch Hashem i got through the day, and now i have the opportunity to fortify myself more today.