OK, so I think I rarely do this, but here is some plain old
advice:
1 - Get far, far more connected to people than you are right now, SG. This will take time, but it starts right this minute. You are way too isolated though you may not see it.
Funny thing, being married actually creates more loneliness for us types, rather than feeling more connected. For we chronic masturbators know and love isolation and
mis-connection only too well. In marriage, the differences between us and our spouses that may have seemed insignificant while we were going out and engaged - get progressively clearer to us as we are married for longer and longer. Sexually, our spouses are always more different than us than we'd like to think. And that's really the tip of the iceberg! The monetary, philosophic, religious, and familial differences between us become more apparent with time. And they are real.
Welcome to real life! Marriage is about how we
deal with differences, not about whether they
exist.
Marriage is supposed to be a new connection. A connection that leads to what Chaza"l say, "ein ish meis ella l'ishto, v'ein isha meisah ella l'ba'alah". Heck, it is created by a monetary
connection, legal connection, or sexual connection (kesef, shtar or biyah) and consumated by the most intimate of
connections, sex. But after watching total strangers having sex with total strangers - in front of cameras used by total strangers - for years, as we have...the relationship and intimacy associated with sex is all but
reversed! But that's sick, not the truth about sex. And the detachment we cultivate in our own marriages by hiding and faking, is not the truth about marriage, either. It's poison.
If we are
normal, we work life's natural problems out with whatever help we can get. We talk about them with our spouses, we go to a rov, friend, parent, and/or shrink and we work on it - whatever we need...and it remains OK to be alive. Sometimes it is even fun!
But if we are
addicts, we have this handy-dandy set of tools that are always ready to be used for immediate, fake relief from 'pesky' real life. And we have been running to our fake best friend for years and years! We have one of the tools
on our bodies every morning in bed. We have other tools inside our minds from the second moment in the morning till the last moment before we fall asleep each night. We discover other tools when we walk out of the house and see real people on the street or in the office. We discover well-honed tools made out of our resentment, fear, and obsession in shul, the beis midrash, work, our families and in our own homes. These 'bad' tools
only multiply - they never get fewer or shrink...
until we start to recover from our craziness and self-centered way of seeing
everything.
So you have
nothing to lose by confronting
more and more things that you prefer not to communicate about, not fewer. And that means
really connecting with more people in your life, and banishing isolation and self-pity. They suck. And then life will get easier, not harder. It's all about relationships.
Along those lines, I suggest your mornings to be spent with a chavrusa as early as possible for a few minutes before shacharis in the same shul every day so you have a routine. Davening with the same group of guys so you can daven for them is very, very helpful. The nameless, faceless minyan factory is almost as bad as the closet, for me. The connections early in the morning help people like us, a lot. I have a short chavrusa with another recovering pervert in the morning before shacharis. It's a good thing. And we actually
learn (when we are both there at the same time!) :
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/smile.png)
.
2- Minimize the time you spend thinking. Mulling things over while you drive, daven, walk places, talk with someone else, are going to sleep...is usually a bad idea. We are never more alone and isolated than when we are deep inside our our thoughts. And they are usually just obsessions, obsessions, obsessions. Replaying stuff, worrying, gnawing thoughts about matters we are not yet willing to actually
do antything
about....
We need to have something else to do than think our useless and obsessive thoughts. Praying to and talking to our own G-d and
really talking to people, are therapeutic. Even
thinking about what it is that I am doing right now is a great alternative to the usual stewing and gnawing obsession, that is so typical for us. They say that someone once asked the Kotzker what he should be willing to actually give his life up for. The Kotzker told him, "Whatever you are doing right now." Real life should be one in which we are connected to (that means
loving) what we are doing - cuz it is supposed to be precious to us. Right now.
Obviously, any guy (like I can be) who can be on the way to the
supermarket, see a pretty woman and go and follow her like it is real important, drooling - does
not appreciate the value of going to the supermarket and buying food to eat. Any guy (like I can be) who can be studying for a test and get distracted by a thought of "Hey, wonder who is
really pretty on the internet, right now?" and just go check it out...back at athe races - does not appreciate the value of studying for a test. It's precious! What we are doing
is precious. There is eternal value in it - Rav Noach, zt"l always talked about how that is just basic yiddishkeit, not 'madreigas'.
That's also the fruit of recovery. For an addict, it is just the
entranceway in the lobby - the bottom floor. It's part of his 3rd step (see AA's 12&12 on it).
3- Give up at least a bit on perfectionism.
Especially in recovery, yiddishkeit, and marriage, I need to surrender my goofy and childish perfectionistic expectations. It kills me. We need to be allowed to screw up here and there - be honest and
open about it,
and go on. All I need to do - all we
can do - is keep trying to do the next right thing - not to "
be good", or to "
be recovered".
4- Don't take unsolicited, free advice from strangers.