last try(hope) wrote on 07 Dec 2011 22:54:
i know i know i know it is all about 'shmiras eynayim' but that is
the big problem. i don't know how i could do very good on it. i work with people....it is like working in a brewery >
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/sad.png)
..... i am afraid to talk to my wife about it.
1- You certainly are afraid, a bunch. So am I and everybody else. And only by continuing to move through that fear (as your efforts here show you are starting to!) do we get anywhere, it seems. And we need to
keep moving through our fears if we are to
keep growing. Hoping you continue to get support and learn how to use Hashem and how to use people. Virtual is very nice and may be enough for some, but you may discover that you need some
real relationships with
real people - you know, the kind you do not know only by a fake name like "Nisayon613", etc...
The real relationship you have with your wife is obviously
not working for you as a recovery tool (it
rarely works for us, so don't feel bad!). It sounds like the time to grow some
real, real relationships for your recovery from this obsession and problem. Let her be, don't explain it to her - just grow out of your obsession and become a better husband. You can do that in many more ways than watching movies with her. Walks are nice. So is listening a lot. So is washing dishes, coming home on time, and being real good friends with her.
Not looking at schmutz is
just the startof life as it should be - it does not even come close to
defining it. Get me?
Go for it.
2- Yeah, I know, those 'pesky' women who don't seem to realize they are dressed inappropriately, and do not seem to realize how powerful they are....!! Really? Is this the truth about what we think of them?
I think not.
You are saying they are endowed with power, right? They have an effect on you. You see them as a danger to you. But they are not sitting on you, are they? You are the one looking at (and up to)
them, right?
Face it, when we drool after them - or desire to, but struggle
not to - we truly harbor a worship of these people.
Voluptious means powerful, to us. Face it. It's a pity, it may be seen as "ossur", but that is actually irrelevant. We see them as powerful people - otherwise, they would not
vex us so.
Blaming it on "the yetzer hora" is just childish and dishonest. Only once we accept our tendency for what it is - the giving away of great power to people with just the right image - are we aware of what our problem actually
is. And as Sun tzu said: "know your enemy"...it helps to know your real problem, if you want to know what to do about it. Of course, further study to try and beat it - the decades long proccupation of many a good frum sex and lust addict - is fruitless. We all know that one, right? Learning teshuvos on what's really assur and really mutar, doing 'teshuvah', tikkun keri...all eventually levatolah (pun intended).
In that vein, I'd like to suggest that you may be making a mistake when you say
i know i know i know it is all about 'shmiras eynayim' but that is the big problem.
Of course Alexeliezer is 100% right: without shmiras einayim, we will get
nowhere! But it is not your eyes that are your main problem. The core of the issue is that
we want to see them and connect with them so badly! As long as we still hang onto our long-standing and deep-seated faith that they
are powerful (because they have the right, perfect, beautiful image), we will be toast.
Recovery is not about
knowledge of the truth, but only about
acceptance of the truth - and then, the acceptance of new ideas. This is what AA refers to in Ch.5: "we tried to hold onto our old ideas, but the resut was nil...till we were ready to let go absolutely."
These very things I am referring to are some of those ideas we so badly want to hold onto. First, we want to use fantasy and sex to get what we believe we need. Then, we struggle with it, but though we really wish we'd stay stop masturbating and using porn and fantasy - we still hold onto our faith, believing as we do, and still see women (and sex) as we always have. Unfortunately, our first goal is always to change or surrender
as little as possible. I see this in myself all the time. This will not work, at all. It is "white-knuckling". My 'philosophical comfort' is so precious...and talk is cheap: as long as the new ideas remain
in theory, all is OK - we can
say we agree with anything. And this is where much of our yiddishkeit is laying (or lying!). As soon as it means
lemayseh giving something up or changing a behavior and to act as we
believe...look out! Gevalt. Truth is
chosamo shel HKB"H, no matter how ugly it may be.
As for me, I cannot survive unless I
1- see and accept the unvarnished truth about me (steps 1,2,4,5, and 8), for that makes me become willing to:
2- open my mind to discover new truths about me and new options (steps 3, 4 and 5 [again], 6, 7, 10, and 11) and then to
3- humbly beg for G-d's help to live by it just for today and
4- take simple, simple,
simple actions to accept His love, His power, and His help (steps 5 and 7 [again], 9, 10,11 and 12).
And though it is truly
impossible for me to succeed living by it, there
is a real G-d in the world, as the Rebbe R' Elimelech used to like reminding (frum) people. And with a real miracle, one day at a time, I can....and do live by it. Imperfectly, but here I am. Life has never been better. Just like so many other hopeless addicts do all around the world(and 95% of
them are goyim, so it's clearly not on the condition that we be tzaddikim!).
Maybe it comes as a chiddush to us that these pesky women are not so pesky after all. That they are dragging themselves to work as we do: to make a living, put food on the table, and to just 'get by' - and not to be sex goddesses, at all? Maybe they
are as frail and troubled as everyone else and not really
powerful, at all? Maybe Hashem loves
them as deeply and meaningfully as He loves
us? Hmmmm, that's new...
I needed to hear all that, thanks.