This post is probably going to sound particularly judgmental, pig-headed, closed-minded, and will not be understood at all unless the reader can stop being judgmental of
me, first. Good luck:
ShemiratEinayim an Old friend wrote on 18 Nov 2011 10:12:
Sobriety is one thing, but sober-sex is impossible for me!!!
...however, for me SEX is the crux of the problem. And until i can have sober-sex, I will not give up on this issue. My marital obligations forced me to relapse, and they denied me sobriety these last 4 months.
I cannot wait a few years without perfecting this. sorry. (Don't worry, as of now It seems to me that the 12 step attitude is the only way to solve the dilemma)
So I
bolded the words that hit me the hardest in your post. Maybe I am reading too much into them. I know that I am not attacking you, or anybody - only trying my best to help by sharing what did not work for me and what does. So be"H, here goes:
What gives you (me) the idea that
you (me) - a guy who fantasized and masturbated his own way
into this mess - has the ability to solve this problem with
any tools?
You use the words, "
the 12 step attitude" - what about "
working the 12 steps" in your life? When you write "attitude", it makes me think that
attitude is the sole thing you need to change - and that you can do that. It makes me think that you are a really good man who is trying very hard to use your own mind to change your own attitude so that you will be fixed and your problem solved.
But this is not the program I know,
at all.
It is not even the way I can see the steps being
read. Seriously. The words say G-d does it, not our efforts. That either really means something, or it means nothing. The program is not like our yiddishkeit is: we go to work, but say we have bitachon that Hashem sends all the parnossah and our hishtadlus is ultimately just motions we are going through for Him to do the whole thing....just words. The party line. Empty, really.
That is not where recovery is. We do not get healed from our problem with that same old parroting.
I know the 'self-help' method (with G-d's 'help',
of course
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
)
is the program many talk of, particularly the more psychological, religious, or cerebral types. Frankly, all the recovery I have seen tells me that these folks speak this way because they simply refuse to take their personal credit and power out of the equation.
The book (at the start of Ch 5) says dependence on G-d (and not on ourselves) is what makes all the difference. It says letting go of old ideas that didn't work (like needing to perfect my sex in order to be free of the pain of lust; like being the one who can fix myself, like believing that Hashem can't love me like wild unless I am fixed, and many other mistakes) is necessary. It says that letting go absolutely (not trying like crazy) is what is needed.
And it also says that taking action (not figuring it all out clearly) is the only thing that works.
So I ask you, what behaviors have you undertaken for the sake of letting go of your sexual lust that changes a beautiful brocha (sexual deveikus - as the Torah refers to it - with your wife) into torment? What action-steps have you undertaken so far to be one with her - to love her - so that the sex will make sense?
If you already have that clear, or can
get that clear, then it will also become clear that even if we
take these steps, they cannot work at all unless
G-d does it all for us, when all our efforts at giving up our ego and power are over.
Hakol tzafui - G-d does it
all, yet v'hareshus nesunah - it's up to
us (ein hadovor tolui ella bee); ubatov ha'Olam nadun - everything He does is always to do Good and he
always loves and gives; yet - v'haKol l'fi rov hama'aseh - humans must take action to allow His Will to flow through and work in us (lo hamirash ha'ikkar, ella hama'aseh). As the Kotzker put it, "G-d is only found
where we let Him in!"
Taking action
may be to learn how to love your wife while the two of you agree to let go of sex for three or four months and learning how to enjoy holding each other and loving each other without the sex. Just to come to know in your very
bodies that it is the
truth. We have done this as have many. It helps tremendously. We both need to grow up quite a bit. That's recovery.
Maybe the action you need is to really
work these 12 steps instead of just 'seriously thinking them through'. Too many talk about the steps, study them, and 'work on them' - but take no comprehensive and consistent written and practical action on each of them in order. I have done that a lot, and think that's a pity. Most of the 12 steps are not just attitudes, but actions. They need a few days of real work, cannot be skipped around to our convenience, and most need a sponsor to allow us to truly let go of our ego. Holding up a mirror is useless for stepwork - one friend of mine says "the most important qualification my sponsor has that makes him the most useful, is that
he is not me." It is partly why meetings are so popular in 12 step fellowships.
Maybe you need therapy to take the right actions and help you grow up, as we all are in recovery.
Maybe you need medication
with some of these things, simultaneously.
Maybe you already
have been doing all these things!
I do not know you. I just read a few words you wrote, that's all. But please, please forgive me if I misread you. I do not look down on you or have any reason to attack you at all.
Hatzlocha,
Dov