Had another fall.

But here's what i learnt from it:

After the fall I had a week ago, I didn't really get back onto the GYE tractor-trailer/tricycle.

I started handling my struggles with this addiction like I had been doing for years without realizing it.

Yes, I was still here out of isolation, but I guess that just as we can't expect habits that took years to develop to disappear after a month or so of trying to think differently -somehow I was lulled back into the old 'fight the beast yourself with one hand tied behind the back, and earn raffle tickets for a free trip to Never Never Land'.

I forgot that it doesn't work, and I forgot that the program that had helped me in the first 31 day clean streak requires work.

And I really started derhering what Dov posts wherever he gets a chance: Cut out the counting days bit, and focus on today...

And so, the main conclusion which I have reached is that I have to go back to the basics. I don't have the "White Book" (my ISP based filter doesn't let me download it -maybe someone wants to send me it), but when I first started out here I studied the AA Big Book carefully, as well as studying the GYE Handbook and Attitude Handbook. I forgot that I am ill -not a sicko -and I forgot to take my medicine.

Of course the supplemental chizuk and Yiddishe approach to someone in my particular situation is a plus plus plus -it's a part of a holistic approach. But having mistakenly ignored the Recovery materials as a booster after the previous fall -I made the crucial error of treating strep with vitamin C, Sucrets, and Chicken Soup -while ignoring the antibiotics; and a week later the bacteria attacked my whole system -and I fell again.

Another I learnt was not to underestimate the physical effects of the common cold (which I was just about getting over, but I was feeling very battle-worn) on our addictive behavior, as is related in the following post on the GuardYourEyes.org website (here http://www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=1825:

Q. I was bedridden for a day with the flu and while I was nauseous, weak and miserable, I had one of the hardest days in terms of wanting to sin that I’ve had in a while. Everything was a trigger!!! What’s going on with me?

A. This is very common. With any addiction, addicts use their "drug of choice" to medicate and sooth themselves whenever they feel uncomfortable with life, whether that be caused by depression, illness, stress, or what we call R.I.D (Restlessness, Irritability and Discontent). That is why when we feel sick we often want to "act-out" even more than usual.

I also noticed that both falls happened Sunday night. Sunday by me is always an "icchy" day -common by many of Acheinu B'nei Yisrael.

So now I realize that Sundays need extra precautions.

Also I made a TaPhSiC b'li neder (yes, that's right a b'li neder- the thought of making a neder makes me neurotic), for the next 24 hours -which I plan on renewing every 24 hours at least for the next week -that if chalilah I fall I will have to say Tehillim from cover to cover -word by word - in one sitting (which takes me about 2 1/2 hours). I also "knassed" myself that I would do so today, which I did.

The truth is that Tehillim-zuggen is really a privilege and not a punishment. But for me it serves as a deterrent because of the time involved and the toll it takes on my stamina.

While saying the Tehillim today (I don't cry as easily as I would like to) I really felt like I was getting a lot off of my chest (and I do have a lot to get off of my chest), and surprisingly enough -even after finishing I still felt that I have a lot to get off of my chest. So I might just say some Tehillim even if (and hopefully this will be the case) I don't fall.

May we all be zocheh to share in each others simchas,

Humbled and Humbled,

Elazar ben Durdayah

how come the good guys aren't around anymore?  >

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 24 Jan 2012 19:55:

yes you're real. not just a

you see, i was reading the white sa book this morning for breakfast (i read instead of eat), and i learned more clearly how Alchohol is just the model for all types of addictions-and that addictions can really take all forms. The common denom. is that the person does it in order to receive the chemical stimulus in his brain, with which to experience an escape from reality.

Anyhow, in my yeshiva days, continuing until recently, i have tried another-it is s/thing you may know- and what is so great about this one is that it is such a subtle addiction that you may not have ever noticed this one. it's called...............................suspense.....................................................c'mon already........okay-BUYING SFARIM!

Whenever i felt anxiety id just walk to the sfarim store, i mean the dozen stores in meah shearim, and whip out so galavantly (i dont know how to use this word) my credit card and whoosh, with one fell swipe, id own the new likutei imrei yosef meir chaim elliot on bava basra. I did this hundreds of times. in fact, i own over 400 sfarim, so ive done this more than once for sure.
 
  Its the feeling of escape that i cherished so much when id walk back home with the bright yellow manny's bag, now green. Then, id write my name in it, and number, read the first 3 pages, and then shelf it.
   
Isnt that great? i love it. Its not sexual, nor does the addict sway around with vodka breath and say funny things. Its so innocent. In fact its a mitzvah-everyone knows the rosh on the mitzvah of writing a sefer torah-that's right, my rationalizing, anxiety racked, frum, addict friends- buying sfarim! 
    I just realized this during breakfast, today feb 6, 2011. Enlightening! knowing is half the battle, and now i know.

Can I borrow a sefer ;D?

Just livin’ inna Fantasy
Internet Pornography
Online. I can surf- invincible.

No longer be invisble,
Born through the struggle,
Kept on movin’ through all this hustle

Heads up, heads down-
Through all of the bustle
Bardstown Kentucky, wanna flex your muscle

Look so down , look so puzzled
Get Up! Into
Truck And Ruwihl.

Bound to stumble and fall
My strength comes not from man at all
Bound to stumble and fall
I am powerless, yah that's all!

Do you believe in fantasies,
Am I hearing you? Am I seeing you?
The late nights,
Censored sites
And these sites killed my sight
They dragged me to the lowest "heights", those fantasies.

Against all odds Truck on till tomorrow.
Wipe away ya' tears and your sorrow.
Sunrise in the sky- like an arrow.
No need to worry- no need to cry.

Light up your mind, no longer be blind. Him who searches will find.
Leave your problems behind you, we will shine like a fire in the sky.
What’s the reason we’re alive?
Reason we’re alive?

Bound to stumble and fall
My strength comes not from man at all
Bound to stumble and fall
I am powerless, yah that's all!

Do you believe in fantasies,
Am I hearing you? Am I seeing you?
The late nights, Censored sites
And these sites killed my sight
And dragged me to the lowest "heights", those fantasies.

Internet is infinity,
Much more than what you know how to deal-
GYE is the light of continuity,
When your broken heart yearns to be free.

Do you believe in fantasies,
Am I hearing you? Am I seeing you?
The late nights, Censored sites
And these sites killed my sight
And dragged me to the lowest "heights", those fantasies.

Do you believe in fantasies,
Am I hearing you? Am I seeing you?
The late nights, Censored sites
And these sites killed my sight
And dragged me to the lowest "heights", those fantasies.

Do you believe in fantasies,
Am I hearing you? Am I seeing you?
The late nights, Censored sites
And these sites killed my sight
And dragged me to the lowest "heights", those fantasies.