Hi everyone, it's my first time posting on the forum so go easy on me.

My story is a long and winding saga, and from the little I have browsed this forum, I believe I can't put any details on that are too salubrious or arousing. Thats a bit of a shame as I really would have liked an outlet to discuss my issues at last, but I understand the reasons why.

Suffice to say that I am a Frum guy from a respectable Heimish family (with some Yichus too), went to the standard Heimish Yeshivas/Kollel and have been married for several years.

The problems all started, ultimately,at age 14 or so, with a nonJewish newspaper I found lying around at home - a relatively inocuous article set something off in my pubescent brain, but we didnt have TV or internet at home so i had to make do with furtive trips to the bookstore to buy dirty books/newspapers. When I discovered HZ''L, I didnt really know what it was at first, so had a long time being Oiver...and then when i did realise, it was too hard to stop. My parents found the incriminating literature and shouted at me a lot - but if anything, just drove me underground.

Then I went to Yeshiva. Finally, away from the snooping eyes of my parents!... It didnt take long til I found a bookstore where I could buy the same dirty books/papers, and was back with HZ''L again. But I'd have occasional Charotah and would stop. Also, a friendly local Mechanech befriended me, and our talks helped (somewhat). But still no internet access, and so no P**n.

Then...some friends were talking one evening, and one happened to mention how disgusting the 'Adult Chat' was that you coudl get on cellphones. He may have been disapproving, but all I knew was..I HAD to get one of these phones. This is about 10 years ago..you can imagine how primitive the phones were, but it had a screen, and internet access, and it meant I could chat online with likeminded people (women, men, Goyim...It even led to meeting people for Aveiros, and after the initial shock wore off, it quickly became Naaseh Lo Kaheter....Eventually I left Yeshiva but it was a very fragmented experience for me, keeping up the appearance of a good Bochur while also the deception of a secret, very dirty other life. Unfortunately, the next Yeshiva I ended up in, contained a Bochur who introduced me to Internet Cafes....and that was when I was introduced to P**n.

Skip forward a few years. Somehow I had a good reputation (Yichus helps!) despite not having the best time in Yeshivas, and got a nice Shidduch. For the first year or so everything was fine. I learnt ok in Kollel and being married meant I had an outlet. But then we got a computer....oy vey...cue lots and lots of p**n and lots of HZ''L (and worse, I found myself drawn to the encounters I used to get up to in Yeshiva).

ANyway, recently I decided once and for all, to make a concerted all out effort to stop all these things. I deleted all the profiles I had on adult sites, installed a filter, and best of all, made a deal with a friend to try for 40 days no p**n and no HZ'L. If either of us breaks it, we have to pay the other $$. I have to pay more, cos Im married and should find it not as hard as him - he's single.

A week gone so far and it is hard. I have had lots of withdrawal symptoms, been very restless and stayed up late every night messing around on my computer, but no P**n...Also trying to be shomer eyes in the street, but vey hard. I live in a bustling city and women walk around everywhere not the most Tzniusdig.

Sorry if this rambles on for too long, but like I said, I havent had an outlet ever...and this could be the start of a new thing for me. 

Welcome Rebbe-yuh!

Your story is the story of so many of us (minus the yichus in my case).
I'm worried about you, though.  You have what sounds like a pretty ingrained addiction, and you're trying to beat it with sheer willpower.  It may work, but why not take advantage of some simple techniques most of us use to make recovery a little easier.  Have you looked over the 12 steps (or the 12 Torah steps)?  It's a whole different way of approaching this beast.  And it works if you work it.

You may also want to re-post your introductory post in the "introduce yourself" section.  You will get more people reading and responding there.

Hatzlacha!
Alex

WELOME!  Thank you for sharing that (and for sparing us some triggering details).  Stick around, you WILL grow here.  We've all been through this in one form or another.

Here's the official welcome package.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!
 
In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions. 

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.  The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
www.GuardYourEyes.org
GYE E-Mail Helpline: gye.help@gmail.com
GYE Phone Hotline: 646-600-8100
Help us help others: Donate Here

Pretty phenomenal to get a response so soon!

Even, lehavdil, on the 'other' forums I used to browse, I never got such a quick response.

Alex, you are right it is only willpower, but on the the hand, it the first time in years I have really made a serious effort to stop. For me thats a very big step. The money thing is helping, too... it may not be very much but its already stopped me at least three times.

Truth is I have developed some other fetishes over the years linked to the p**n which allegedly, from the little research I have done, even goyim struggle to lose. Could it be I need psychological help for them? Or is every fetish ultimately just a scientific name for a taavoh?

I would give details but dont want to break forum rules. if there are any psychologists on this site who I could message privately, that would be great.

People will chime in over time.  You'll meet people here.  The addiction is progressive.  We need more and different things to get our fix.  We keep thinking, just one more, just this, just that...... it is endless.  We have to let it all go.  For me, talking to people on the phone and in person, has helped a lot.  One thing you WILL need to get better is help from real people.

hey rebbe

soon u will be rebbe yuh!!

stay here

we are all in the same boat

#1 it makes no difference whos fault it is even if it is your own

#2 teshua birov yoetz  u will get a good chevra here

#3 be happy simcha dispells all darkness

i am living proof that there is hope

when i was new here i read with envy of my old heroes here

u too will make it

like we all say here

keeeep on trucking

no one drives well in reverse

yalllaaa kaddimma!!

You should be honored.  The rebbe himself has visited you .

Agree with Gibbor.  Fetishes are just the natural progression of this addiction, giving us newer and sicker experiences so we can get the lust high we crave.  I don't think you need a psychologist to deal with fetishism.  But I do think you're going to need to use more than willpower.  Recovery actually is about willpower, but it's about channeling it to it's most effective use.  For example, instead of facing lust head on, we use our willpower to avoid lustful triggers like the plague that they are.  When lustful thoughts come, we get davening right away, begging Hashem to take our lust.  Ultimately, you want to be in a matzev of giving up your lust. 

When lustful thoughts come knocking, try this tefilla (taylor to suit)
"Ribbono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only you can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to your care and ask you to please heal me from this illness of lust.  I don't want to lust, I only want You and a relationship  with You and Your Torah, and appropriate attraction to my wife.  Take my lust.  Please, take my lust."

Say it two hundred times a day if that's what it takes.  Pinch yourself hard when you catch yourself looking at a woman (any part).  Get really good at shmiras eynayim.

Shteig on!
Alex

rebbe nisht

i will try to get u access to the balleh battims forum

but stay here for awhile

Hi and welcome,

you came to a great place. we all struggle together, helping and giving a each other a boost when needed. stick around and b'ezras Hashem you will find your way out of the gook.

wishing you hatzlocha
zs

rebbe nisht + Gribble nisht= trucking.

Hi Rebbe nisht I think my story is similar to yours and you can defenitely beat this with the right will.Now looking back all I really did was express through my actions a strong will to stop all the sex stuff,and hashem orchestrated so much recovery.Your off to a great start.Hatzlochah

Gam ani mitztaref lchol hn'l. That's rebbe talk for 'I'm down wit all dat'

showoff wrote on 07 Oct 2011 10:39:


Showoff while I don't doubt your experience that you were able to beat your problem with sheer willpower alone, if the collective experience of the group here shows anything its that it generally takes more than sheer willpower. Too many of us went through Yom Kippur after Yom Kippur resolved to really change only to keep falling flat on our faces. This is also consistent with Yiddishkeit approach to self-improvement.  It requires real change.
So Rebbe nisht I want to welcome you and assure you that you've come to the right place. People here understand you because we've been through what you've been through. And there are people here who can guide you how to make real change in your life. Stick around and youll see and learn. Just stay committed to staying the course and open to hearing ways to do it.  Much hatzlacha and a gmar chasima tova.

What I meant by willpower  was that  when hashem put in front of me opportunities for discovering reality, I did not run away from it as painful as they were and my whole being scrame to get away from this I did not.
While we are on the topic let me ask you,your opinion.When someone seesa trigger and he surrenders it to g-d,would you say that he is choosing to give it up to g-d is that not willing?