Thanks for the support Mile!

I'll try to use that tip next time a situation comes up, unless of course there are no situations, IY"H!!!

And I'm scheduled for a Mikvah run Erev Yom Kippur!

Anyway, they call this day one. Based on the Chizzuk email, I'm going to hopefully start looking at the journey hour by hour. I can make it an hour!

As I was away from GYE for a while (except for the Chizzuk emails), I hadn't updated my chart. So I just started it again, but it's weird because I just said today is the first clean day, and it gave me all the days since my last update at clean cumulative days...which isn't true. But whatever, I never really understood the chart anyway since you have to update it before 12 AM to get that day clean, but I often go to sleep after 12... And either way, if you update in the morning (which would make sense) it counts that whole day as clean even though it's still the morning! Whatever, just my little rant on the 90-Day Chart lol

Brothers, and sisters who can't read this, may we all have a clean night and many more to come!!
ASERES YIMAI TESHUVA!!!

Hey Geshmak!

It's great that you got the filter back on. Did you figure ot what was wrong with K9, or are you using something else now?

Buit you MUST make sure that you do not have the password. Have someone you trust change it for you, or contact the Filter Gabai here at GYE.

I noticed that the chart is weird like that too. But you don't have to update it every day, as long as you stayed clean you just have to update once a week. But you do have to report every day you fell (CH"V should never happen again) if you want that part to be accurate.

Now say Fell Shmell Geshmell!!!!! and Tamshich Trucking!!!!!

Gmar Chasima Tova,

Gevura!

Hey Gevura -
Thanks for checking up on my filter status - that's really nice! So K9 was making my computer NUTS!! I had help from K9 AND the filter Gabbai - but no luck. Finally I said that's it, get K9 off the computer, and I was really nervous because I couldn't find another comparable free filter. B"H I tried K9 one more time and downloaded a different antivirus protection than I had before - and now it's working fine!! BARUCH HASHEM! I have protected access without crazy internet crashes. GYE has the password, don't worry.

When I started up this week, I couldn't possibly remember all my falls over the last few months, so my cumulative clean days on the chart isn't accurate, but what can you do. The important thing is that I know where I'm holding.

Yesterday was Day 2, B"H! I'm taking everyone's advice - looking at it hour by hour, clapping when I have a thought, and tonight when I was triggered - I literally grabbed onto the wall and whisper-screamed to myself, "You KNOW how much you hate it after the fact, how you cry out to Hashem in Davening to help you remember during the moment how much you hate it right afterwards." BARUCH HASHEM that helped me get over the trigger. Phew! It isn't easy, but I gotta keep trucking!!!!

I think I'm going to keep track like someone who says what day of Sefirah it is after dark - "Yesterday was day ___" lol because I don't want to say anything before I wake up clean the next day. Maybe the new GYE site will have a more accurate 90-Day chart.

A good and clean night to all!

Well, yesterday was day 3!
I had a slip last night, but B"H it stopped before I fell. It was really tough.
Anyway, tonight is my first night home for Bein Hazmanim/break. I was really nervous all day of what might happen when I come home. But, I Davened to Hashem to help me avoid any triggers tonight. One day at a time. One HOUR at a time. IY"H I can do this!

Hey everyone!

I didn't get a chance to post on Erev Yom Kippur, so I haven't been keeping to my decision to post everyday.    But, it's okay. So, Thursday was day 4, and Friday was day 5!! 5 days going into Yom Kippur - how great is that!?!?
I had a very meaningful Yom Kippur, and I hope everyone else did, too. May this be a year in which GYE has thousands more members (it's a shame that it's necessary, but the fact is, there are so many more people out there), a year in which ALL of the community finds rest from their addiction with Hashem's help, and a year in which GYE has all the financial resources necessary to run its program!

A good and clean night to all.

A fall.
Motzai Yom Kippur.
I can blame it on the fact that I can't sleep.
But, there's clearly something bigger than this.
It's time to stop playing with GYE. Sure, some emails, posts, handbooks (once). I need to start taking this seriously. It's time for a sponsor, for joining - FULL TIME - a 12-step group, learning the 12 steps, and living them.
I'm sick and tired of acting out and pretending I'm involved with GYE.
But, I'm not getting depressed about it either. I'm not letting my Yetzer Harah win. I will win. Because Hashem will help me.
I wanted to start the 90 for 90 sponsorship program, but I just lost my 3 days. I'm still going to find a regular sponsor and IY"H join the 90 for 90 the next time I can.

Does anyone know how to find a sponsor?

www.guardyoureyes.org/?p=1823
hatzlacha rabbah umerubah

Wow. Haven't posted in a few days. I guess constant falls can do that to ya. Well I've fallen every day since Motzai YK. No, I'm not proud. I'm torn, destroyed. But not depressed. Not given up. Bein Hazmanim is hard. I need to do whatever I can when my head is free (like now). I just filled out the sponsor/partner form - Thanks Tehillim.
I don't want to turn my computer on tomorrow until someone else comes home. It's too risky. I have a filter, but there are enough things I can view that satisfy my Yetzer Hara. No, I don't want to remove them, because I want to access them for their benefits. Even if I do block them, there are always going to be some sites that are problematic. The issue clearly isn't restricting all internet access, it's finding out what's causing me to get so crazy, what gets me "in the moment", and how to avoid it at all costs. It's CRAZY how as soon as I have a trigger, I know I'm gone. It could be right then. It could get pushed off temporarily. But I know that at some point that day or night, it's gonna come back, and experience shows, I'm going to fall.
I plan to start reading A LOT more into the 12 steps, joining a phone conference, and joining the 12 step forum.

A good and clean night to all!

HSG,
Sounds like you're really struggling and want to beat this.
A wise man once said, "if you want to change some things in your life, then you have to change some things in your life."  For you, I think this means staying completely away from the computer.  And newspapers.  And magazines.  And billboards.  And babes on the street.  Step one is admitting powerlessness over this taivah.  When you're powerless over an opponent, you don't face him in the ring.  You avoid the ring, and the whole freaking arena for that matter.  Then you can live.

You want to keep your access to GYE, set your filter to block EVERYTHING except GYE, and give someone else the password.  Maybe some other frum sites.  There's nothing on the mainstream web that's good enough to sacrifice your very sanity for.  If you think there is, that's the counsel of the Y"H.

For the hirhurim, start working the steps.  Try this tefilah when they come.  The second they come.  Every time.  Even if they come right back.

"Ribbono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only You can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to Your care and ask you to please heal me from this illness of lust.  I don't want to lust, I only want You and a relationship  with You and Your Torah.  Take my lust.  Please, take my lust.

Do keep on trucking.
Alex

Hi Geshmak,

Wow you're having a tough time! But you have a great attitude and you keep getting back in the truck!

Keep on keeping on, and work hard on identifying your triggers and avoiding them. Listen to Alex, he knows what he's talking about!

Have a great YomTov and KOMT!!!!! Lo Lehityaesh!!!!!

Gevura!

Hey Geschmack,

all my love to you and positive wishes to you. Fell schmell as Bards puts it. Today you are sober, hey you can do one day. And keep writting heiliger Yid, be honest on what triggered you, thus bring healing to yorself, to me and the rest of GYE... Keep on trucking!!! 8)

Hi guys,

Gut Moed to all! Thank you guys for all your tips. Alex - that's pretty intense - no computer at all? I don't know if that's manageable, I'll be honest. I know that would help for the falls, but that's just a temporary fix. I want to uproot this deep down, to the point where I can have the few "maybe" sites I allow through without giving in and using them in an inappropriate way. Maybe this is not possible. I don't know.

Anyway, to update my status: I had a slip on Erev Succos, but otherwise went clean from Weds-Fri. Then I had a slip on Shabbos, and fell Motzai Shab. Then I fell today...twice. I am half-embarrassed to write this online, but not enough to deter me when I'm in the moment.

I haven't heard back from the partner Gabbai yet, but I hope he finds me a match soon!
I also saw the email today and plan to join one of the new 12-step groups next week!

the less you have the technology around you are better off, whenever i am close to any unfiltered web connection that i could access freely i fall, even a stupid old fashioned phone. that is why i throughout my blackberry and cut off internet access to my cell phone, i have a strong filter and accountability software, and I am still struggling, but with free access forget it.

Hsg, I read your whole thread on my phone (no small task), I am so inspired that you keep getting back up. Hashem WILL help you find your path to sobriety if you continue. May you have a sweet rest of yom tov. - question? Do you believe you are powerless?

So... it's been a while. Since Succos and now it's Shavuos. Wow.
Firstly - thanks Back on Track for reading my whole story and for the support. To answer your question - I'm not sure if I believe I am powerless, I'd like to think I am, but to be honest, I probably do feel that I can still do this on my own.

And secondly - to bring the topic back to my story...
It's been 7 months since I last posted here (crazy!). 7 months of up-and-downs with, unfortunately, never too long of a good streak. So, what bring me back here tonight? I had this feeling of trying to go 3 days clean and realized Shavuos (for which I went away) would be the perfect time! And BH I was clean for all of Shavuos - which means I'm at 2 days clean - Shabbos and Sunday because today's not over yet. I told myself on Yom Tov that I would post here tonight to try to give me the strength to hold back for JUST tonight so I can have 3 days in my pocket when I wake up tomorrow - a Chazaka! I hope this works.

Good night to all