לעג וקלס, אני מקווה שקיבלת את התשובה - כי לא היה ברור לי שאני יודע איך לשלוח אותה...

bs"d

Shalom' and again sorry about my English . I keep saying "sorry" because I guess each and every time' other guys will read the post' and won't understand why I write like that....
I'm now having 40 clean days/ At shabbat I went to a hotel' and I had tough nisyonot in shmirat haeynaim' but with Hshem help' I made it. It was sooooo difficult' I thought all the shabat' just on one thing' whether I should make my Neder' which doesn't alow me to fall' or not. Finally I made it' I just couldn't think that after 40 clean days' I will just fall like nothing had happened until now. The truth is that I was very sad at shabat' knowing that I will not be able to act-out the whole week because of the Neder.... Now [ at  1:30 am ] I feel a bit better' but I'm asking my self: maybe I took on my self a mission that I can't stad with' that it may be more tough then I can hold?! Maybe I should start with alowing myself once or twice a week and go from there on and on, with  little steps.....once a week once for two weeks and so on... what do you think?

ulay-yachus wrote on 04 Jun 2011 22:34:


OK.  I'm not a maven in recovery.  But I am (honestly) a maven in corruption, degradation and the Yetzer Hora.  I don't know how recovery works, but I do know how descent (falling) works, and it is bit by bit.  The YH prompts you to touch the tree - pushes you into it.  Then pick the fruit.  Then taste a tiny bit...  Before you know it, you've eaten the fruit, and you've fallen completely.

If you have 40 clean days, you have no need of these "once per week" falls.  They will weaken you, not make you stronger.  Giving in is not an option for you at this stage - if you want to take on ANYTHING in moderation (small steps), then you should try EXTRA things once or twice per week.  And I promise you that the extra things will feel better afterwards than the "small falls" that you are thinking of allowing yourself.  If you think that is too much, consider giving yourself small rewards once per week instead - a meal out with your wife, etc.

Thanks a lot about the chizuk,

What do you mean by EXTRA steps? And what can I do when I feel that saddnes [ATZVOOT] and I can hardly stand with that YH. (today B"H I don't feel that ...]

ulay-yachus wrote on 05 Jun 2011 09:21:


It seems that you need something extra.  Your YH has convinced you that it is acting out.  But you can fight back and say "Great idea, YH - I'll take your 'once or twice per week' advice, but instead of acting out, I will read a shiur on Shmiras Eynayim.  Or I will take 10% of that 3000NIS I would have to pay, and treat myself and my wife to a nice steak.  You will end up enjoying it more than acting out, and you will feel better afterwards, and for all of your life.  And you will not fall as a result.  That's a triple gain.




This is heavy stuff, and I do not have the answer.  I read something in Tanya(LINK) once that might help - I'll see if I can remember it.  Serene Smile might help out here.  By realizing that the urges are not your problem, and come from outside of you, and are just a part of being human, and moreover, this could be the battle you are put here to win!


When it comes to depression over matters between you and G‑d, however, in that case you need to take some advice seriously to get rid of it. Obviously, this is so when you are in the middle of doing G‑d's work—because working for G‑d must be with joy and wholeheartedness. But it is so even for a businessperson involved in worldly affairs: If you suddenly find yourself depressed or concerned over matters between you and G‑d in the middle of your business, this is plainly a trap of the yetzer, intended to bring you down into a pleasure-seeking state afterwards.

...

What if your depression is not from a nagging sense of guilt over sins, but from immoral fantasies and destructive urges that keep falling into your mind?

It all depends on what you are doing at the time. Let's say we are not talking about these thoughts falling into your mind at your time for prayer and study, but rather when you are occupied with your business and other day to day concerns. Then, on the contrary, you should rejoice in your lot. Yes, these fantasies fall into your mind, but nevertheless you take your mind off of them. You are fulfilling the words, "...and you shall not follow your heart and your eyes after which you tend to stray."

תודה על תשומת לבך.
קיבלתי תשובתך והנה שאלתי כבר מחכה לך שם
עוד פעם תודה עך הסבלנות

BS"D

Hasdey Hashem! Today I have 43 claen days! May hashem help me to be clean and pure' and serve him as much as I can!

Lasot Elokay Retzoncha Hafatzty - The only thing I want is to do your will....

UY, This is a miracle, yes? 43 days!  After what your life used to be like? 

Here's something that someone on GYE taught me about "extra things" to do.  Look for little chesed things to do every day.  Really look for them.  Do the dishes for your wife.  Take all the kids out and give her an hour to herself.  Bring the kids a little something when you come home from work.  Let somebody in a hurry get in front of  you in a line.  Instead of giving someone a few coins for tzedakkah, give them some real money!  Tell someone you work with you appreciate them.  Look for every opportunity you can to do a little extra chesed.  Make it a project.

I am also a maven on self deception.  the "once or twice a week" idea is totally yetzer harah.  No question about it.  Forget about it.  Keep on doing what you're doing.  Add a little bit at a time from the handbook.  An accountability partner, online SA groups to start, give chizuk to other guys.  Just keep going.  You are doing amazingly.

(Again my English isn't so good]
Today , I'm on my 45thclean day....who could belive that?! I can't! I just can't belive that I made it, with a lot of help from HASHEM! THANK YOU HASHEN THANK YOU HASHEM AND GAGIN THANK YOU!

At the former Motzay Shabat I almost fall, I had a lust attac, and I was sure - that I'm going to fall. Since I made a vow, that I have to pay money for tzedoke ' everytime I come into non- tznuim sites on the net - I felt that I can't fall on the net, but my wife told me to go to my mother house, from some reason - so I thought to my self - :"Ok she has TV [I don't have] and I didn't make a vow about TV....BUT then bezrat hashem, the plans were changed' and I didn't have to go to my mom....so I remaine clean until today.....I see it as a mirical...

I want to ask you guys, those who have  a half year or so, clean - how is the feeling after 90 days clean, is it such a relife? because I see on this forum, that there are many, who keep falling after the 90 days?

Thanks

Hello Ulay-Yachus,

I see a lot of similarities between us.  Similar age, similar family situation, been in the struggle for about the same amount of time.

So, I think you might identify with my thread and find it useful:
www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=634.msg8690#msg8690

Good luck,

--Eye.

bs"d

I don't have time to write, but I just want to write to myself, and to you all, that I had a hard time, on shabes, and I feel like I have to m*....It's burnning in me...I pray , that I won't do it.....

הַצִּילֵנִי נָא מִיַּד אָחִי, מִיַּד עֵשָׂו:  כִּי-יָרֵא אָנֹכִי, אֹתוֹ--פֶּן-יָבוֹא וְהִכַּנִי, אֵם עַל-בָּנִים  :-\

תקשור את הידיים
;D

UY,

How are you holding up?

--Eye.

BS"D

I have a really bad day today, although I didn't fall yet.... I had some hard feelings because of few things, and the only way I know, to handle these feeling, is by acting out.....What is even more bothring me, is the fact that I keep telling my self - if after so many clean days, you still feel so crazy about this lust, how will you be able to stick with this mission of "being clean" for your entire life?
I think that my saddness was also becuase my ego has broken, I consider my self as someon who has high wills, and here I'm going to finish with that disturbing thing' called lust, but I'm still stuck with these dirty, unholy and ugly stuff.
I red the daily chizuk today, and I felt like it talks about me.... the feeling that, oy li mitzri,and oy li miyotzry. because deep in heart, there is a thought, which tells me : "Stop fighting! Can't you see that you are in the yetzer hara hands?! Why should you take a lost battle from the first place? be [chas ve chalila] mumar for one aviera.....will you suffer for your whole life?" I know these are very hard words to say, but if I want to be honnest with my self - I need to know that they are in me.
This is how I feel in the darkness.... I so much belive in the words of chazal :"masbio raev", but I didn't reach the "marivo savea" even I already had 48 clean days.
Is there any alternative activity to m*, which can lead to reduce the lust when it attacks you?

Hashem Yazor!!!!

I

ulay-yachus wrote on 12 Jun 2011 21:57:


You've got the answer right there!  You've got to pick up on those feelings and deal with THEM before they drive you to act out!

Make a list of other activities you like to do, and it doesn't have to be anything fancy.  Sometimes just sitting down for a cup of tea, listening to some music, going for a short walk, can change your mood.  But, most importantly, figure out what those feelings are and FACE THEM.

Hope this was helpful.

--Eye.