I fell today..................I was doing so well and then this happens. I was trying soo hard!!
It's so depressing. i just couldn't handle it. I was holding off for soo long and I just couldn't keep my sanity.

I am determined to get right back but I feel so lost.

If anyone has any advice for me right now please please share it because I really need it. You can PM if you'd like too, whatever you want.

PS: I have never gotten back up right after a fall. In other words, I have never gone 3 days straight clean after a fall. It's usually a vicious cycle which I can never stop. Please HaShem I really want to stop this, given me the strength because I know I can't do this on my own.

IM BACK!!!!

Ready to start over again. I had rough last 2 days but I'm ready or this.

Thanks to all those who helped me out!

LITS

Good luck.

--Eye.

LITS,

I also used to blame vicious cycles for falls 2-infinity.  I'll give you another name for it.  Depression.  When you fall, which is generally caused by RID, you become more depressed.  Now if the level of depression that had just been experiencing caused you to fall, then the greater level of depression is all the more stronger.  That is one of  things that causes us to fall repeatedly, then stay clean for a stretch.  That stretch is just long enough to pick us up; just to get slammed back down.  Listen to me, focus focus focus.  Like this.  When you  get up from a fall, look at your watch for one second and say:  "Wow, I have now been clean for a WHOLE second!"  (laugh at the idea of it now, but I'm telling you, this will save you from the depression when it counts the most).  Then look at your clock for two seconds and say to yourself:  "Wow, I have now been clean for a two WHOLE seconds, which is double the previous time that I tried!!"  Then look at your watch for 4 seconds and repeat the line to yourself: "Wow, I have now been clean for a WHOLE four seconds, Which is double the last set of time that I tried!!!!" And continue on until the day that you die (or until you start over again).  And let me add one more thing.  START this the INSTANT that you finish falling. NOT ONE SECOND LATER!!!!!!!  The short time periods at the beginning are the ones that get you up and away from the computer.  The next, slightly longer sets of time are the ones that keep away depression and instill confidence.  The longer time periods give you fulfillment and joy.  Try this.

Rising Up

Thanks Risingup- its all about the baby steps.

I just completed day 1 in this new journey! I felt like today that in order for me to get by, I had to use distractions. And that is exactly what I did. Without the distractions I would have been a goner.

I wanted to share something that has been bothering me for a while-
Ever since I joined GYE I have been noticing how one of the themes here is that we shouldnt look at the addiction as being are fault. Rather HaShem is testing us and that we have to overcome this. This is just a disease that we have and it could be that we didn't have free will in previous years with this addiction so that HaShem could test us.

I don't know about you guys but I definitely feel that I am at fault for this addiction. I remember clearly having the choice of acting out to have a few minutes of enjoyment or keeping clean. It is hard for me to have the perspective of HaShem just giving me this test. If anything I have the perspective that HaShem is in a sense upset at my past. I feel that they are both connected.
I am asking anyone to help with this issue I am having of how I feel at fault for past failures.

I don't think I am being so clear, but if you understand me please respond.

Has this thought ever entered your head when you were thinking about acting out:

"I SHOULD; I SHOULDN'T; I SHOULD; I SHOULDN'T; I CAN'T; IT'S EVIL; BUT I NEED TO DO IT; YES, I'M GOING TO DO IT ANYWAYS; NO I'M NOT; YES I AM; NO; YES; NO; YES, NO; DANG IT!  I DID IT!  WHY DIDN'T I CHOOSE TO STOP; I COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO STOP!"

If that's what you're talking about as choosing to act out, you're not really choosing.  It's an obsession, an addiction, and it's just a matter of time before we act out, and it doesn't matter that it looks like a serious debate is going on inside our heads.  We really have no choice.  Lust has got total control over us.

--Eye.

It is now erev shabbos and I have 2 days in my pocket!

Going for 3.....

Good shabbos

its the YH
at times it feels as if you could've stopped easily
but its not true, you are totally out of control
our fight should be avoiding the triggers

Officially made it on to the 90 day chart today!

4 days clean

I didn't have such a difficult time over shabbos. This morning with one look at the newspaper I had to cover it up.

These first 4 days have been pretty is easy thank G-d. But i am just waiting for the YH to strike without me looking. Its gonna happen one of these days so Im trying to keep an eye out.

LITS

Re 2nd Chance- I am not talking aobut now at age 20 after many years of acting out.
I am talking about when I first started acting out and through the first couple of years.

life is too short wrote on 11 Apr 2011 22:54:


(I just caught this now on one or your earlier posts)

Is it you're sanity you are trying hard to keep, or just your sobriety?

--Eye.

I had 8 days clean then fell but now I am going 2 days strong!!

I will try to write more later

life is too short wrote on 17 Apr 2011 13:39:


YOU CAN ONLY TAKE CARE OF TODAY. 

WHERE ARE YOU HOLDING NOW?

One day at a time, also, means that whatever happened yesterday doesn't matter anymore--there's nothing you can do to change it, and also there's nothing you can do about tomorrow until it gets here.

And, I would add, that just because, looking back now, you think you weren't addicted 10 years ago, ALSO doesn't mean that you weren't addicted.  To be an addict we don't have to be wasting all our time all day long looking at p*rn.  All that matters is we're out of control; we can't stop--even if we only go on a spree once every few months or once every few years.  A spree's a spree and it's downhill, even if you haven't fallen too far yet from the top of the hill.

--Eye.

5 days going strong!

I almost had a slip/fall last night but I held on for the win!

Eye thanks for your words of wisdom. I was having a frustrating day that day so thank you

life is too short wrote on 27 Apr 2011 14:27:


It's easier to win by letting go than by holding on.

How are you holding up?

--Eye.