After being a member of GYE for a few months now, I decided that I want to start my own thread. I hope that writing about my progress each day will help me along this journey.
A little background information about myself:
I am 20 years old in Yeshiva and I go to college too. I have been struggling with this addiction since I discovered masturbation at the age age of 14, although I never really thought of it as an addiction until recently. At first I didn't really know what I was doing, and until about 15 or 16, I didn't even know that what I was doing for enjoyment was called masturbation and that it was assur. For some reason I thought I had this 'special power' of getting enjoyment with myself that noone else had. And then I realized that what I was doing was assur, but I couldn't stop. The truth is, that I didnt care to stop until I was 18. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I didn't care whatsoever. And then when I started to mature a bit and decided to space in and realize that HaShem does run the world, I really wanted to stop. But after doing an issur for over 1460 days straight and sometimes a few times a day, lets just say I didn't have an easy time going cold turkey.
The past 3 years and particularly the last few months haven't been easy for me.
I have never been able to have more than a month of freedom. It has been affecting every part of my life. My avodas HaShem, my learning, my davening, my social life, school, everything.
Usually after a fall I have been able to pick myself up and tell myself to just let it go and continue. The last few months though have been rough and it has really made me a little depressed.
Right now Im on a high and ready to battle till the death with this menuvel.
With everyones help here, and with HaShem's help I will reach sobriety!
I have just completed my first day clean!!
90 days here we come!!

Thank G-d I have just completed Day 3 being clean! It feels great.
I had some tough times especially on the second day and I almost fell, but held out.
I hope to continue this streak and tomorrow reach Level 1.

Hi,
That's great news, well done!
There will be some ups and some downs, especially in the start. Hang in there and it will get easier as you go along.
The trick is to not dwell on the slips but focus on what's happening right now.

The "tough times" come from us deciding to change our ways but our body (or rather our Nefesh Habahamis) is still used to the old ways. Every moment we hold out, we bring our body more in to line with our clean thoughts.

Whishing you lots of strength.

ToAdd

Hello LTS, welcome to the forum.

I have found, for myself, that the best way to beat this addiction is by NOT thinking about it.  Get involved in living, being useful and helpful to others.

Good luck!

--Eye.

Thanks for your responses! It gives me chizuk when others take the time to help out.
To Eye-Nonomous: So are you saying I should also spend less time on GYE and the forum so that I wont think about it as much.

Baruch HaShem today I completed Day 4! Level 1!
Today was a bit of a hard day. I was put in a matziv on the street where there is a lot of pritzus. I was good for the most part, but when I felt myself starting to lust, I quickly tried talking it out with HaShem. And it worked, and I am hear to tell the tale!

life is too short wrote on 07 Apr 2011 05:32:


Good question.  You get chizzuk here, and eitzas.  You get in touch with other people here.  You can give chizzuk here.  These are good things.

What's not good is that internal struggle--should I act out, shouldn't I, why do I, why can't I stop, I should I shouldn't I should I shouldn't, WHY WHY WHY, Oh this is so evil!  Oh, it's against Halacha so I should stop; but I can't stop.

That sort of stuff isn't good.

--Eye.

Yes now i understand what you mean and it makes a lot of sense.
What I find interesting was that I had a streak a few months ago that lasted for a month. I think what kept me going was not thinking about it all, meaning not even going on the gye website and not even reading the daily chizuk emails. I didn't even want to think about it.
But in the end I failed and I didnt have the tool to get back up. So perhaps its not a good raya because I could have continued that streak if I used the forum.
Therefore, now I decided to take a different apporach by taking full advantage of this forum.

Tachlus:
I succeeded today but today was by far the most difficult day of my 5 day journey. The Y''H was all over me. I didnt know what to do. So I decided to take a nap. And it worked, but I woke up still lusting a little bit, and I knew I needed to do something. So I went to learn and hang out with some friends. And now I am here with a 5 day streak.
I took this tool from gye- You cant tackle the Y''H head on otherwise you are going to lose without a doubt. One has to have battle plans and tactics of how to get around him. And in this way you actually do beat him. Until hes mischadesh on you the next day and you have to be prepared for it.
Oh and tefial also is the ikur!

Thank you HaShem for these past 5 days!

Sounds like you're doing great.

Have a good Shabbos.

--Eye.

Keep up the great work LITS!!!!  Let me hear back about a week-long streak!!!!

Have a great Shabbos!!!

LITS you are doing great.  Continued Hatzlacha and a Good Shabbos

Checking in before shabbos-

Today was by far the hardest day. My mind was racing all day. I couldn't think straight. From right when I woke up my Y''H has been all over me. I just keep trying to push him off but its not easy. He keeps persisting.
I have tried so many things today to push him off. I went jogging, I got together with a friend, I went to the mikva (took off my glasses on the way there and back) but my mind is still getting taken over. I just have to keep him away for another couple of hours until Shabbos rescues me.I cant wait.

Oh in case you were nervous, I forgot to say that thank G-d I didn't fall today. I may have had a borderline slip but no fall.
While i am writing here right now I feel myself having a little menuchas hanefesh. it helps a lot to talk it out, even if no one is listening. Well HaShem is.

I really pray to G-d that I don't fall on shabbos and that I will have an easier time tomorrow because today was just brutal.

Also the thought of knowing that I would have to write on the forum later also gave me an added boost.

Have a great shabbos! A Menuchas (Hanefesh) Shabbos!

Just an idea--if you jog TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF OF LUST, you're going to keep your mind on lust.

Just go jogging, and put your mind on jogging, just to get involved with jogging.

Or whatever.

--Eye.

Thanks Eye for your idea. I am going to try to remember to have mindset next time  I go jogging. And I assume this idea applies to any sort of outlet.
It helps a lot to hear different suggestions and ideas so thanks, feel free to add more!

I am still alive and kicking through 7 days.
My shabbos was totally different than my Friday. Once Shabbos came the Shabbos feeling came over me and I felt so free. After struggling all of Friday, HaShem gave me a boost. I was rarely tested and I was able to keep my mind from lusting. I feel great!
Now that my neshama yesarah left me I need to work extra hard. But I am ready for the fight. I am ready for level 2!

LITS

Today:
I had a farely easy time today. Not too many tests came knocking. However I do feel that I am growing because of the few tests I had today, I was able to quickly turn my head/mind away. Good Job!

I hope this is a good sign that things will be getting easier.

Btw, If anyone wants a life changing mussar shmooze, then they should go where I went to today- An old age home. There you will really see how LIFE IS TOO SHORT and we don't have time.

Eye- I wetn jogging today and beforehand I just focused on having a good time jogging and it really worked. I didn't even think about other stuff at all. My mind was able to free and clear. So thank you

Completed Level 1 and now off to Level 2.....Thank you HaShem!

life is too short wrote on 11 Apr 2011 04:54:


Glad this was helpful.

--Eye.