And for me, the acid test of honesty comes down to this.... If I'm being all 'giving' and 'giving' to someone else, but just in the hope that they'll act better toward me... I ain't there yet.

And today, I think I was buying presents so that I might get something back myself. That's not right. I've got to get my mind back into just purely giving. Without reciprocation, or expectation, or anything.

Maybe it's sorta like, pray for someone else first and your own prayers are answered -- in that case, as well, if you're only praying for them because you want your needs answered first, well....

Sophomore wrote on 23 Mar 2011 00:45:


I just looked back at my PM folder, and found pages and pages of posts from a guy, who wasn't capable of relating to his wife properly, of making attraction to be more then skin deep. Yet still claiming his love for his wife was not lacking, somehow or other.

Just sayin.

Me3: Yeah, I'll confess to being confused right now about where I'm holding in that department.

If pressed, I'd try to claim that my "love" is pure and abundant, while it's my "lust" for her doesn't carry everything she might want (despite lots of frequency & enjoyment etc on both our parts). If pushed, though, I'd confess that even my "love" is colored by some resentments that I hold in several areas.

There's a difference, I know, between "I want to love her" and the mere "I want to WANT TO love her" that I might practice. But the same is true in her, totally, in spades, and obviously it bothers me more when I see the pitiful "want to want to" look in HER compared to seeing it in mySELF.

Holding on to the thought that "love is a verb" is often challenging for me, and doing it while she's acting so darned unlovably is even harder. I also hate it when she does something for HERSELF and claims it was a favor to me. If you're going to "do" something for me, darnit, make sure you're thinking about what _I_ might want (take over a carpool drive for me) and not just what would make you happy (wash the counters).

As we say about parenting: "children need the most love just when they're being the most unlovable." But a husband's desire & performance in the bedroom, and even in the other rooms of the house, is trickier to fake than a parent's loving discipline. So for the kids we can do what's needed, but between my wife and myself it's trickier to show love when the resentment still brews.

I've been rambling and not making much sense here, but somehow I think these words will resonate with me if I return to them later. I wonder if they say enough that you'll have a comment. Thanks.

Well obviously my marriage is the epitome of perfection so I am well qualified to respond.

I'm not 100% sure of what is behind your recent bout with resentment and unfulfillment, but I'll try to send you a PM later.

Isn't it a strange "coincidence" (hashgacha pratis) that every time I start to slip, my kids end up getting into some kind of trouble? Zera, zera.

You'd think I would pay attention to the signs by now. But NO-O-O-O-O, I apparently still think that I'm the master of my own universe. Oy.

I was reading Rabbi Dr Twerski's newspaper column this week. He discusses how talking in shul is the worst kfirus there is, and particularly so in parenting. After all, if the grownups can't show kovod to The Big Guy Upstairs when it's time to talk to Him or listen to His law because they have a better idea... then how can a kid decide to listen to any grownups in his life because they ALSO have a better idea. Something like that.

Anyhow, the impact of our lust on the children is a good theme for my meditation this week.

(Mods: If this does not belong in this thread, feel free to move it.)

I had a tough week last week and I felt like I was slipping. I read an article on nyt.com that I knew (or should have known) was more explicit than is good for me & I was not careful enough about avoiding the swiming pool (which was in fact empty) in the hotel I was staying in. Doing nothing worse than that on a three day business trip to where the nearest Orthodox Jew was a few hundred miles away, might be an accomplishment for some, but for me this is going in the wrong direction.

In any case, shabbos, my wife was fuming mad at me for something that I am pretty sure I didn't do. It seems invariable; I'll slip 1000 miles away from home and my wife will accuss me of doing something (similar) that I did not in fact do at home. I don't see much option other than to improve my behavior and hope for the best. After a couple of days (and cleaning under the stove and fridge) things seem to be much better, B"H.

Well, thanks for checking in hope to see you agin in another 2 years.

hey there - hope things are going OK. Keep us posted!

I've been crazy busy, so I apologize for my absence here, there, and everywhere.