Hi, dear friends. I had posted a great deal until recently. Abruptly, for very personal reasons, I stopped posting. I tried keeping up by reading, but found it painful to read without commenting so I've been truly off-line. My personal reasons are now settled (aargh) so now... I'm b'a'a'a'a'c'k.

Anyhow, recently I hit my first anniversary of my work here. Looking back is a piece of work in and of itself. Being in my sophomore year here (hence the new username) feels a little different than being a newbie. Like acknowledging that my work is not about keeping my hands above my waist etc, but rather it's all about learning how to give without resentment, and how to receive without worrying about the cost of payback. And about trusting in HKB'H to bring me what's best for me, in a manner that feels like it's loving and gentle.

In my first year, I was proud of falling only two times the entire year and resisting some temptations to fall that you'd probably call stunning. Already in this year, though, I've fallen twice. Once in a typical way and that I might even try to rationalize as onesh but of course that's false. The other fall was a huge, spectacular, can't believe it happened fall. Yet in each case, I was able to pick up the next day and get back on track without giving in to the y'h suggesting I just give in for a few more days. So something has happened in the rewiring department that I find very important.

That's all I've got. I just wanted to post and say hello, to old friends and new, to those I've virtually met and those I have not yet had the pleasure. And thanks to everyone. It's been a heck of a year.

Welcome Back!!!!

How was your Purim this year?

Jerk.
You don't call!
You don't write!
We've been worried sick about you!

You'd better have a good excuse!

Are you going to give us any hint as to who you are/were. I think I can guess based on the info you provided. But it is not clear and don't think it is good for my health to operate with guesses and assumptions.

Any way I wish you well. You were missed and I am sure your new contributions will be greatly appreciated.

Welcome Back, Kotter

Rising up: Thanks for checking in. Yep, Purim was pretty good. I tried drinking a little which brought on more depression than joy, I'm afraid. I'm just not the drinking type anymore. (Sorry, kiddush club at BYE, but I just don't think it's for me.) The table actually held more Torah than shtius in the conversation (not by much, mind you, but even 51% is good for us.)

And Me3, I suppose I owe you the courtesy of  an answer (dear readers, please know that he's totally entitled to be so blunt, and he knows it):

Me3 wrote on 21 Mar 2011 16:23:

Hey, is that a salutation or a command. (Whoops, that was way too inappropriate; sorry.) I'll take it as a New Yorker's version of a call of affection. (Folks from out of town might never understand New Yorkers. )  Me3 wrote on 21 Mar 2011 16:23:

You don't call!

Well, you don't give me your number. I tried dialing ME3- and the operator told me I was a few digits shy of a valid phone number. I guess she's from New York, too.) Me3 wrote on 21 Mar 2011 16:23:

You don't write!

Yeah, I've been off-line. So whaddya want from me, Donny? (I can't speak New Yawkeez but I'm okay at Sabra.)
Me3 wrote on 21 Mar 2011 16:23:

We've been worried sick about you!

Thanks. Me3 wrote on 21 Mar 2011 16:23:

You'd better have a good excuse!

Hmmnn. My dog ate it?

hi
nice to see you back!
here's to a bechizzuked year
lechaim

Kosher, URAJ, Zemmy AMUSH,
Thanks for checking in and the warm welcome.

I forgot to make one special request on this thread. If you by chance can associate my old screen-name identity with Sophomore (I was also thinking of the nickname Sof, as in Maspik!), please do NOT use that old name in this public thread. You can PM if you want verification or details.

- Sof

Welcome back!

Since there's a new welcoming package...

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama   Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!

GYE Program in a Nutshell: (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer).

'Guard Your Eyes' offers a unique approach to helping people by recognizing that there are many different levels in the struggle for "Shmiras Ainayim" and "Shmiras Habris". After studying the experience of hundreds of religious strugglers over the past few years, we put together the suggestions and recommendations that we feel are best for the various levels. We divided the tools, features and services that GYE offers into 8 different levels. This "GYE Program in a Nutshell can help people quickly identify at what level of the struggle they are at, and which tools and features would help them most at their particular level.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into recovery:

1) Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best – and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"… See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information… We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability, because filters alone are usually not sufficient and they can often be bypassed.

2) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

3) Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

4) Post away on this forum! You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

5) GuardYourEyes also offers many free anonymous phone conferences where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See www.guardyoureyes.org > Tools > Phone Conferences for many different options. Our conferences are taking place every day, morning, noon and night… Joining a phone group would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but the daily call will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

6) If you need more general guidance, write to our e-mail helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call our hotline at 646-600-8100.

7) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook". This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "Attitude & Perspective", details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

The second part, "The 18 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

May Hashem be with you!

I couldn't resist, sorry...

EBD

Sophomore wrote on 21 Mar 2011 16:41:

[/quote]

& I had a hard time resting the urge to call you.

But on GYE we learn how to resist urges......

Yeah, it's good to be back. And it's nice to see I wasn't completely forgotten. Thanks, guys.

I am SO sorely tempted to begin (re-establish?) my compulsive, daily posting as a way to journal the continuing journey. It's not really a good idea, especially since it risks overstaying my welcome (and boring y'all to tears). So I won't.

Even so, I've lost track of so much that I thought I had integrated just a few months ago. [Perhaps a guy's just gotta be really brilliant to know just how ignorant he is, or something like that.] Anyhow, somehow I've missed that essential link between lust issues and learning to give the spouse unconditional love in great quantity.

Right now, I've lost any hope of having my wife really care about me, or that she'd do anything that's really just for me, instead of her just expecting me to fill her own needs. A little bit of unconditional love would feel really good right now. I know that kind of wish is misplaced. I know the work is all about giving (i.e., love is a verb).

This sets me up into that love vs lust battle: it's really connected to the P&M issues -- how can I think of "depriving" myself if there's no one there to offer me anything as compensation. How can I even daven for it, or simply put my needs in His court, or do anything else to connect to the Source of all blessing in the universe?

The key is to give. I've just forgotten... why. And if the answer is nothing beyond, "because He put us here to emulate Him in His ways," then I'm afraid I'm just too tired this week to want to be divine. I'm hoping He can settle for "human." Sigh.

- Soph

Welcome back!

w

Hey there - welcome back. I know the feeling, but if we're aware of the fact that we need to rise above those feelings, then we have a chance to do so.

Sophomore wrote on 23 Mar 2011 00:45:


I cannot explain the How or the Why, but the fact of the matter is that those days that I decided that'just for today' I will give without expecting to get - I will push off my expectations of 'getting' until tomorrow, those days turned out to be the days that I ended up getting the most!!!!

strange!  Can't imagine why that would be!  ;D