difficult b/c baal duvor hates what you're doing with a passion but you're an inspiration for us all.

Thank you all for posting. It feels like years since I have posted. 20 min ago I fell, and for some reason that I can;t explain i found myself back to this site. it's like there is something inside me that knows the only way I can live my life and grow is with the help of ppl like you.

I can;t win!!!! I don;t trust myself anymore. This is ruining my life and I can;t stop. Its like a twisted game, in which no matter how hard i try I don't have the power, the endurance, the inner strength to beat this, but I'm to stupid to give up. Probably because I know there is no giving up. Giving up means more guilt more intense suffering. I want to win. I want to win and spit in the Y'H face and say you have no power or over me. I want to be the one making the Y"H play that twisted game. How do I start? How do I get back on track. When it comes down to it I'm weak and I only want to do what "I" want to do. I don;t care..

I'm getting reckless, insensitive, haughty and for what ???? Why??? How do I stop.. I need ideas. Please somebody! Anybody help........ 

where is the fight that I used to have inside me, where is the burning anger to stop that fueled my good streaks? And even if I had it .. so what... I need  to let go of the idea that I can beat this thing. The idea is selfish! who am I to climb such a mountain? who am I to spit on the most cunning of faces and say no. Who are you to read this post and to think that you have what it takes. There is no "I" and this game. There is only We. "I"s don't get to play. They just sit on the side line wishing they had a real chance. I want to be a we. I want to give and receive in the hope of one day (w/ g-ds help) getting stronger. i've lost so much already, and for what , self pleasure. i wish I could see my self in the act.. see how forsaken I am when I do it. see that I am stuck in a dream that is holding me back from the man I want to be. I have no more strength to type. I wish i knew what it felt like to still think there is hope. prove me wrong restrengthen me.

It sounds like you need to read some of dov's posts. Here's a link to all of his posts http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?action=profile;area=showposts;u=1308

fire wrote on 23 Aug 2011 03:38:



this is true words from a contrited heart. I really agree with you- there is no I, it is only a higher power taht can help us from addiction. If i may say, that burning anger which fueled your clean streaks.... it has no chance against the burning lust and desire from within. I thnk the only way is to surrender and rea;ize (as it sems you have) that THIS is bigger tahn you. only with the help of a group, a higher power, and something outside of you.

we are not goiong to spit in teh face of the angry monster.... we are simplygoing to lean on teh shoulder of a kind Father. that my friend is the path forward and advice from those who have traveled taht path....

Thank you the insightful words.

I'm doing good I have a couple of days behind me now and I can't take any credit for it.

Might I add the chizick emails have much improved.

Hi, I'd like to suggest you read BlindBeggars thread over at Introduce Yourself.  There you will see determination that I think will inspire you no matter how many times you fall. You will make it to the personal connection and relationship with Hashem that you crave, that you lust for.  Persevere, KOT.

My dear friend fire,

I love you very much and appreciate all the angst you're going through. It is very hard. One thing I can tell you that will help you is something Dov pointed out a while ago: People make a big mistake with this fight and pretend like they're some hero from Gondor or something, fighting a dragon. They want to fight honorably and dramatically, and then lay ruin to their foe. The thing is, one thing I've learned about this fight is that the more dramatic and more serious you make the fight out to be, the more strength you give the yetzer hara.

I don't want to jinx myself, but BH I'm going through a really good streak right now, and I think it's mostly thanks to not thinking about taivah or fighting or 90 days or anything at all. Whenever lust hits me I just sort of play dead and let it wash through me while I think about something else or call someone. It's kind of like just letting the dragon fly overhead without trying to kill it. Just ignore the dragon and it'll starve to death because its food is the chashivus we give it.

Be strong but don't be a brave warrior. Just be fire, set up your life so that it's full of meaningful and happy things and friends, and I believe we'll both be fine! Love, Noya.

thanks NOYA very good advice

Thank you Noya!