LOG 1,

Sorry for grasping your attention through unorthodox means!!! but,.... It was the best idea that i could think of.

I have decided to start a log in order to make sure I come to this site everyday. Even if I only post 3 words a day it would have been worth it.
A little about me and how I came to the decision that I need GYE.

"See I have a rule whenever I was shidduch dating a girl I couldn't allow myself to fall. I thought that when I eventually got married that it would cure my problem. So instituted this rule in order prove to myself that my logic was sound. That the fact that I had someone in my life who was interested in me and who was under the impression while dating me that I was a "good normal guy" made me instill this rule upon myself.

i was dating this one girl for five weeks and things were getting serious. In my mind she was perfect for me, great middos, kind, caring, spiritual, and beautiful.  I had to leave her for two weeks and head back to New  York to finish my semester off. She told me she didn't won't me to go, i told her  "i had to". One night while studying late into the am's my yetzer hara flared up. I beat it a couple of times because I told myself that if I messed up, I would loose her. I was giving myself a choice (as crazy and illogical as the choice may seem) Her, the girl who i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, or ,lust. I messed up that night. The next day she called me and told me that she couldn't come to New York for the following shabbos. That following motzi shabbos she told me she wanted a 2 week break in order to decided if I was the right one for her. After the 2 week break, 4 weeks since I last saw her she called me and decided that I wasn't the right one for her. Crushed is an understatement to how i felt. I know that everything that g-d does is for a reason, sometimes we think we understand why and other times we just have faith. I hope from this experience that i went through and the effect it had on me that I will learn through the help of this website to beat my addiction once and for all it won't be easy, but alternative of giving up or not putting forth proper effort aka "GYE", will lead me to a path of pain and sorrow."

That was around a month and a half ago.

Right now I am a recent college graduate that is jobless. I feel like i am really far away from finding my future wife. I'm living at home bec I don't want to search for a job in New york where my Yeshiva is located.bec of all this,  I have way to much free time on my hands .

On a brighter note I have 10 day streak going, and even though I am feeling very down, I am determined with Hashems help to hit the 90 day marker, if not more.

I welcome encouragement, ideas, advice or just talking it out.

It's not necessarily a matter of Sechar v'Onesh.  I just know from personal experience that things tend to fall apart when I'm, c"v, not clean.  I just cannot function in that state.  That's not a bad thing, though.  On the contrary, it's a great incentive to stay clean, one day at a time.

LOG 2

11 days clean

If you can't think about fighting lust then how do u deal with it? I define fighting lust as reading chuizik emails, putting walls up, reading stories in GYE. If these things are to difficult for u than how do u fight it? Fighting means taking precautions. These precautions will help battle your Y'H when a it acts up. With out taking proactive measures how do u fight flares?

Taking precautions is not fighting lust.  Fighting lust = "white knuckling."

Hi fire! Welcome to GYE, and hatzlacha in your journey! The only way I've succeeded in fighting flares is to call up a fellow GYE'er to help you get out of it.  I can be that guy for you if you want...Pleading to Hashem to help can also be effective.

Any GYE guy would be happy to help I'm sure, but I think you might want to call me because we're probably close in age and probably have what to talk about.

NOYA wrote on 13 Mar 2011 03:49:

LOG 3

12 days clean


tonight was difficult. I feel like my body is starting to have a minor withdrawal (if that's even possible).

Sure i would really like someone to talk to about this, especially when my y''H flares up . how old are u if u don't mind me asking?

LOG 4

13 days clean.

6 weeks clean and i was just trembling from my constant battling from flares that night. as it got later and later and the time jumped from 1 am to 2 am and then eventually to 3 am. I justified my staying up, I told myself that it was key that i finish my work tonight, even though I was getting less productive and more horny. I knew that if i let lust over take me i would lose so much and that despair and depression would entrench itself inside of me. But the urg was to great there is only so long a person can fight something on his pure will alone. i left the room and headed toward the elevator. As i entered the elevator I begged myself not to go through with it told myself that I would regret it for eternity, But my body wasn't listening to what my mind was saying. Logic had no control to over me. My body wanted to act of its own accord, it wanted lust. My head hit the elevator wall hard as a began to cry. I didn't make it that night. It was the least enjoyable thing. i just wanted to get it over with not for the pleasure or the thrill. But so my Y''H would stop torturing me. i wanted control over myself at that moment, but I couldn't have it until I lusted.

That was before I found this amazing website that has insightful tips and inspiring people. The Y""H might have tricked me that night but it is important not to let the guilt and despair linger, but to remember how the Y'H tricked u and to be proactive and make strategies to ensure  that one doesn't fall again. So i'm sharing this just for the sake of remembering, yes remembering can lead one to feeling guilty and full of despair, however with the right attitude a person can remember the past and prepare for the future. I choose the latter.

LOG 4

better log now, it going to be a full day. I have a date tonight. Is there a frame of mind that a GYEr should have when going on a date? If so please share?

2 weeks clean.. But i need to work harder on not taking second looks at girls in the street.

LOG 5

I traveled through the city today did a pretty good job at not taking second looks.

Still clean

good day

You're on the right track! Especially during your trek through the city!

Give yourself a pat on the back...... but don't stop at that. (You might get bumped from behind!)

Recognize that you wouldn't have been able to do so by yourself, Hashem must have been guiding you & guarding you. Thank Him. Ask Him for His continued guidance & guardiance!

LOG 6

Thanks for the encouragement Yosef Hatzadik, every little bit helps.

I really hate waking up and having to deal with morning glory. I feel that as soon as I reach consciousness that I am in the midst of a mini battle. grhh!!

still clean. Thank you Hashem..

Haha, morning glory. I find that as soon as I get to a certain point in streaks, I stop having it in the morning. You're doing great, fire! Just stay positive and be happy! Purim is coming!

Thanks NOYA, I'm aware.. just venting..

I'm tired of keeping track of the exact log number, i feel that there is no real value to it. Anyways, My K-9 doesn't work properly when I'm in yeshiva, I went to Aish.com to watch a video, and the youtube player worked. K-9 is prob malfunctioning. this could be a big problem.

Still clean.. but a little hungry. have a meaningful fast everyone.

If I may suggest, redirect that little hunger into something positive. Dont try just to stay clean. Find things to do that will increase the kedusha, learn, read some inspiring things on the site. Whatever speaks to you. But I think past experience has proven that a little hunger can be a dangerous thing

thanks for the advice geshertzarmeod. thank g-d today my y'h didn't try to entice me.
Have a god shabbos everyone.